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The Journey Continues: Taking Tiny on the Road.

The Journey Continues:
Taking Tiny on the Road.

Part Two of the Tiny is Mighty Series

Welcome back! In Part Two, we’re taking Tiny on the road to explore what interesting things can happen on our journey of all things small.

But first, a quick recap. In Part One, we embarked on a novel way of embracing our New Year, upending conventional views of it as the start of a race to bigness. Instead, we started by going very, very small because…it works. We saw how tiny starts can evolve into big results – but they don’t have to have that destination to be highly worthwhile. Tiny is an awesome little powerhouse all on its own.

And in Part One you might have set up your own tiny goal with the guidance of two questions: What does your heart tell you could be the most meaningful ways you’d like to feel and be in your New Year? And what three tiny things might you begin with?

Tiny starts have two things in common:
an idea and a decision.

So, now that we know Tiny is the key to any beginning, in this second installment of the Tiny is Mighty Series, we will explore implementation, do some problem solving around any obstacles that appear, learn about the concepts of Habit Stacking and the Ripple Effect, and how they can fuel our journey. We will also see how Tiny and mental health pair beautifully together.

On we go.

Getting around roadblocks

First, let’s check-in and see if we’ve encountered anything standing in the way of our tiny New Year start. Have unforeseen circumstances or illness made you hit pause? Is your tiny goal feeling either not-so-tiny, or perhaps it’s not as interesting to you as you hoped it might be? Are you frustrated that it’s “too tiny” and thus questioning its worthiness? Any or all of these can happen. Not to worry, I’m here to help. See if any of these suggestions might feel right to you:

- • If you hit pause due to external circumstance or illness: Repeat after me: “I am not behind.” I promise, you aren’t. This is your year, to start and live (and enjoy) your way. We are human, we live in bodies that sometimes stop working perfectly. Give yourself the gift of rest and recovery. Nobody’s going anywhere, you can start on your timing. (Email me at sarah@thrivingbravely.com and I will lovingly remind you that you are not behind.)

- • If your tiny goal is actually much bigger than you realized: break it down into pieces, like chapters or categories. List all the parts of the goal that you can think of until you find one (or more) things that you could start right now. Then, what next step would make sense, or be the most fun, or the fastest?

- • If your tiny goal is suddenly feeling less interesting, a couple of things might be happening.

- - - • One, even though it’s tiny, it has such big potential that it’s scaring the pants off you. As in “What me, achieve that? No way. That’s impossible.”

- - - • Ok. First, if your tiny goal is scaring you a little or a lot, that could be a great sign that you’ve chosen something that will get you out of your comfort zone. Being stretched is awesome and stimulating – however, if we take on too much, too fast and thus start avoiding taking any action, it might be time to rein things in a little. Just for now. How about picking one itty bitty piece to start? A phone call, write a page of notes about what you’d like to do, do fifteen minutes of research, tell a friend what you are setting out to do and ask for suggestions?
  - - If you wanted to drive from Los Angeles to New York, you’d map a route based on time, your interests, weather, good food, sights, etc. Do the same with your tiny goal: what is the first landmark or town you’ll reach on your journey? That’s all you need to think about right now. The first leg. Not the whole trip.

- - - • Second, maybe as you thought about it some more, your tiny goal is indeed not quite right for you. If it turns out it’s not so compelling after all, or doesn’t feel as relevant now – ditch it and pick another. (Your life is much too valuable to use it on things that don’t feel meaningful.)

- • If your sweet tiny goal now feels too tiny, as though it’s perhaps not challenging enough, or you in fact reached it already and want more challenge, then see what happens if you widen the scope. For example, if your tiny goal was to create a handmade collection of your poetry as gifts for friends and family, maybe your heart’s desire is to keep that tiny start, with a view of expanding it by starting to research how to find a book agent.

We bring our whole selves to everything we think about, care about, and do. And when we’re struggling with difficult feelings such as anxiety, sadness, depression, overwhelm – Tiny can help with those vulnerabilities too.

Tiny starts, habits & changes
support our mental health

In this section we’ll take a closer look at ways that Tiny can help us feel better. Remember how Tiny took on creating land where there was none before? Watch Tiny take on these common features of depression, anxiety (and really all mental health challenges):

Challenge: Feeling easily overwhelmed
Tiny connection: Take any task and break it into as many tiny pieces as necessary. For example: “I can’t face the stack of mail” becomes “I’ll open one piece of mail right now. The rest can wait.”

If, and only if, it will help, do a quick scan of each, separate them into two stacks. Label one stack DO THESE BY FRIDAY (or whatever day) and the other stack DO THESE BY X DATE or WHEN I WANT TO. This strategy can help loosen the grip of overwhelm by eliminating worry about what’s actually in the pile of mail.

Challenge: Feeling stuck in a negative feedback loop
Tiny connection: “I can’t/don’t want to X because I’m feeling stuck and am disappointed in myself” becomes “I will do this one small thing (throw out the recycling? Send one email or make one phone call?) And for heaven’s sake, show shame the door: “I do want to do X but it’s ok to have an off day. Instead I’m going to have lunch and give myself a break. And that will be my win today.” (Yes, that would be one hell of a tiny yet big win!)

Challenge: Depression makes it hard to reward myself. (Yes, depression and other conditions disrupt the brain’s reward pathways.)
Tiny connection: After any positive habit, action, decision – even if it’s making your bed or cleaning up the kitchen, activate your dopamine response by saying something nice to yourself (e.g., “Good for me, I finished that”).

Challenge: Feeling unmotivated
Tiny connection: One small action builds confidence. Want to get to the gym? Make it tiny, tiny, tiny: go to the gym but instead of working out take a sauna. You got there, right? Motivation can appear more easily when we give ourselves credit for simply showing up. (Plus, the sauna will coax your brain into viewing the gym as rewarding.)

Challenge: Routines are really difficult right now
Tiny connection: Pick one tiny thing to do after you’ve woken up and put your feet on the floor. Could it be a short statement starting with either “I’m looking forward to…” or “I did well yesterday when I….” Could it be a 30-second breathing exercise where you inhale calm, exhale worry?

Challenge: Feeling Burnout
Tiny connection: Burnout is not healed by doing more (that’s akin to whipping an exhausted horse; please don’t do that to yourself!). Burnout is healed by rest, engaging in something different, and tapping into feeling pleasure again.

Speaking of pleasure, last week I did an experiment in Tiny. Almost every day, for years, I’ve had a salad for lunch – some combination of greens, protein, maybe some beans…quick and easy. Healthy, too. But good gracious it got boring and I was hungry again an hour later. The antithesis of pleasurable! Last week I’d had enough. Just couldn’t do one more salad for lunch. I still wanted to have the greens, but I changed the timing and had the salad for breakfast. It includes two fried eggs cooked over-easy, making its own delicious, warm dressing. And then I went all out and had what I really wanted for lunch. A grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes and…wait for it…crispy bacon. What’s the big deal, some might ask.

Well, the big deal for me was two-fold: I gave myself the gift of looking forward to a delicious lunch AND felt fed. Nourished. That little bit of extra pleasure cascaded into feeling satisfied and re-connecting with the enjoyment of food. I had been in a food rut of unnecessary self-denial which included tolerating unnecessary hunger. (That it took me so long to make the connection that my hunger came from not eating enough is wildly comical, in hindsight! Read on for more on the obvious hiding in plain sight.)

Food is a necessity. It’s not just for survival, though. It’s meant to be relished and enjoyed. I know that this tiny shift I made, and the big result I experienced, also improved my stamina and focus on my writing projects. Who’d have thought a grilled cheese sandwich could have such power!?

I’m sharing this example with you because it was both tiny and transformative. And as I reflect on what made it transformative, I realize it is a perfect illustration of two key features of just about any change you’d like to make, whether it’s a behavior (a habit) or a mind-set (a pattern of thinking), or a feeling (an emotional state).

Habit Stacking + the Ripple Effect =
tiny and transformative

These two key components are Habit Stacking and the Ripple Effect. (Habit stacking is discussed at length in books by BJ Fogg and James Clear.) For our purposes, we will keep the focus on how these powerful concepts intersect with both Tiny and Mental Health.

Habit Stacking

Habit Stacking leverages our brain’s natural tendency to stick with the familiar, to follow our own well-established routines. Habit Stacking is just that: connecting a new habit or behavior to one we already do automatically.

Let’s say one of your routines is making coffee first thing in the morning. You might have “stacked” this with reading the news, or checking your email. But now you’ve decided instead you want to have your coffee while listening to some music, because the news and email are creating needless stress. So, you’ll set up a morning playlist for whatever effect you’d like – maybe energizing, maybe soothing, maybe meditative, and so on. Your cue is coffee, and as it brews, you stack on your new habit by hitting PLAY. Voilà!

Here’s another example. I wanted to change when I tidy my desk (until recently, I did that first thing in the morning while having coffee). But I wanted to do that routinely at the end of the day, having discovered that when I cleaned my desk at night, it gave me such a boost to return to it early in the morning and not have do one thing before doing what I really want: to write. I am a very early riser and I want to make the most of the couple of hours I have before other parts of my workday begin. So here’s the habit stack: At the end of my workday, right after the automatic, established routine I have of checking tomorrow’s schedule, I clean up. It takes 4-6 minutes. Then in the morning, I have my nice inviting, clear desk (and thus clear mind!) to do what I want, immediately.

This may seem like a mind-numbingly obvious (tiny) change to make, but it’s amazing how not-at-all-obvious our routines, automatic patterns and ways of doing things are. They live in the invisible world of our brains’ neural pathways which are so accustomed to the way we’ve usually done things, that automaticity takes over. We just don’t notice doing them anymore. Like a train going along the same tracks that were laid down years ago, no decision is necessary…just stay on the same tracks. With Habit Stacking, we are making use of this well-worn track to introduce a new habit that wants to go along for the ride. Thus, automatic, reflexive behaviors have an oft-overlooked value: they allow us to piggyback the new habit onto an established one.

This is much, much easier than starting from scratch, I assure you. And further, we can scale up this little habit stack by adding other habits or behaviors to the sequence. This makes change incremental (Tiny to the rescue, again!) and thus more sustainable.

Here’s the fast-track way
to create an effective Habit Stack:

A. Choose a habit you consistently have
B. Choose a new habit or behavior you want
C. Anchor B (new habit) to A (existing habit) by saying “After I (current habit), I will (new behavior/habit).”
D. Reinforce with repetition

Example from my breakfast/lunch habit:

A. I eat breakfast every morning.
B. I want to eat salad at breakfast because I want greens every day, and I need something different and more satisfying for lunch.
C. “After I have my coffee, I’ll prepare the salad, and eat it before starting work.”
D. I’ve done this everyday for two weeks (so far). I also discovered an unexpected reward: for unknown reasons I’m less uncomfortably hungry by the time lunch rolls around.

Three examples of mental health Habit Stacks

A: Current Habit	B: New Habit to Stack	C: Anchor New to Current
I set foot in the gym 3x a week and use the sauna	Spend 10 minutes on the elliptical	“After I get to the gym I’ll spend 10 minutes on the elliptical and then have a sauna.”
I write down all my worries so they’re out of my head	Add task of examining each worry and deciding how to manage it (or delete it!)	“After I make my list, next to each worry I’ll write down exactly what I would suggest to a friend.”
I’m working on staying in the present	Create a three-sentence prompt I will use when a future anxiety intrudes	“When I notice I’m not in the present, I’ll read my sentences out loud. I’ll keep one copy in my bedside drawer and the other on my desk.”

Note that D: Reinforce with repetition, is always the fourth step

A close cousin of Habit Stacking, the Ripple Effect metaphor describes how tiny actions, choices and decisions create chain reactions, spreading outward far beyond the point of origin, as when a pebble is thrown into a pond.

The Ripple Effect

The Ripple Effect is a non-linear concept of change, growth and empowerment; ripples don’t go in a straight line and neither do we. The Ripple Effect also emphasizes the interconnectedness of all aspects of ourselves. And how our own selves engage with and potentially help change the world around us.

A smile to a stranger passing us by could have a Ripple Effect; he might feel a boost from it and say something nice to the next person he encounters. One tiny instance of goodwill can build at an exponential rate.

Here are some more examples of the Ripple Effect in action – starting tiny yet radiating powerfully:

• Deciding to spend 15 minutes a day learning Mandarin (tiny) could lead to conversational fluency
• Research shows that when people start working out regularly, their diets often quickly improve because they’re drawn to food that fuels activity
• When we set a boundary with someone, it changes how they relate to us
• One act of kindness can create a domino effect
• When someone inspires me, I can’t wait to share it with others
• The Ripple Effect is cumulative: small changes add up over time
• We don’t need leaps to make progress, we need intentional steps
• Starting a conversation about transgender rights, or any value and belief, can lead to community and even national conversations

The Ripple Effect means that
no action is too small to matter.

Which means, without a doubt, that every tiny step we take, every load of soil, rock and cement that is added to the pile, every kindness to ourselves and others, every breath, every loving choice, every tiny beginning, every generosity, and every piece of love we’re offered – matters. More than ever.

Tiny is incredible. It can create land that never existed before (and construct massively heavy buildings to go on it). It can take you across the country. It can get you published. It can help you find your life partner. It can change your life.

And still, Tiny is just as amazing being its tiny self, without a destination in mind. Such as the sweet little white lilac I wrote about in The New Year Effect, which made me smile whenever I walked past it. Such as resting when we’re tired. Such as starting your day with a kind word to yourself. Such as watching my dog run at breathtaking speed at the park and then collapse into sleep. Such as having a salad for breakfast.

Keep your big heart focused on small and Tiny,
and all kinds of beautiful things will come into focus.

See you again soon for Part Three, where we will look closely at Resting and Refueling, to ensure that in whatever form you’ve invited Tiny into your life, it continues to enrich your New Year.

The Journey Begins: A Tiny Start for Your New Year

The Journey Begins:
A Tiny Start for Your New Year.

Part One of the Tiny is Mighty Series

Does anyone love New Year’s resolutions? Good for you if you do – I always felt set-up to fail by my way-too-massive goals that usually centered on being different, better, faster, more, less – basically working on something I had to stop doing – or at least something I had to do better. Way better. Exhausting and unnecessary! Many years of life later, I started taking a different approach and I’m much happier for it. (For more on dealing with New Year pressures, click here: The New Year Effect.)
So, if you are interested in embarking on an anti-resolution, pressure-free New Year, you’ve come to the right place. And I’m happy to show you how to begin.
To get there we are going to start by thinking very small and explore the power of tiny. We’ll also take a look at some examples of results that came from tiny starts, and you’ll find a couple of questions that can help you decide where you’d like to begin. At the end you’ll be able to download the questions as well as a list of 59 Tiny Seeds for Cultivating your New Year Goal – in case some added inspiration will be helpful : )

This guide will help you kick start your New Year
with a tiny goal, just for you.

First, take a moment or two and decide to explore your New Year as a joyful reminder that a) we’re here b) we have choices, and c) beautiful plans and deadlines often change. Because life does.
Don’t worry, a tiny goal can still be life-changing (if that’s what you want) – think changing a mind-set, or deciding to work on staying in the present. OR a tiny goal can be just that: very, very small. You’ll see how shortly.

Why tiny?

All things begin as tiny. All goals, buildings, nations, governments, relationships, work, love, writing, inventions – all of it – start with tiny little things and then more tiny little things get done and it starts to become a bigger thing.

Every single creation on earth has a tiny beginning.
Even a skyscraper, even a person, even a bridge,
even a vase, even a house,
even a poem.

I once watched workers in Hong Kong’s harbor begin reclaiming land from the water, so that new buildings could go up. I was enthralled by the process. That tiny start involved the first of a seemingly endless dumping of some mixture of heavy rock, soil, and cement into the water. It was weeks before the pile was visible at water level. This went on, the same tiny step times a million times a billion, for months. Five months later I was back in Hong Kong and saw the progress from my hotel window. Unbelievably, there was now a large peninsula. Actual land! Men in hard hats were walking on it. Heavy equipment was going back and forth. It seemed to me a miracle had occurred – and yet, the new peninsula simply had a tiny beginning. On repeat.
Here’s the key that I couldn’t wait to share with you when I was writing this:

Thinking small and tiny is the first step
in thinking big.

Focusing on tiny things to start our thriving bravely year does several things for us:
• By acknowledging tiny as essential, we can focus on that one tiny thing and side-step overwhelm along with self-defeating thoughts such as “oh my god, how-the-f— will I be able to write 200 pages” …and then go take a nap or binge that new show on Netflix (nothing wrong with either choice unless it keeps you from feeling refreshed and ready to begin).
• Beginning tiny makes any beginning doable. Way easier to write a sentence than a full page. Way easier to make a list of ten subjects for chapters than to write the chapter (oh, yes, we will get to the chapter but we’re going to start with a sentence first.) See? Tiny is a rockstar. Tiny is the chapter on its way to being born.
• It nudges us into momentum. (Remember Newton’s Law of Motion? An object in motion stays in motion). So, focusing on a tiny step will create more tiny steps and this momentum will build on its own energy.
Even the goal of having a completely clean and clear desk (a frequent tiny goal of mine) has a tiny start: I gather stray pencils and pens and they go in this darling cup:

Then I put books back where they belong. Then I gather into a stack the papers that I don’t need to do anything about right now (and get them out of my sight, into a pretty dark pink box they go).
Three tiny steps and less than two minutes later I have a tidy desk, on its way to being completely clean, and I can focus again.

Tiny is doable, purposeful, & often fun.
Tiny is badass.

Here are some real-life examples of people whose tiny beginnings led to big result
• Result: Marcus finished writing his book. Tiny start: Had an idea, wrote it down and all thoughts associated with his idea
• Result: I launched an online mental wellness business. Tiny start: Had an idea, thought of a name, wrote a brand statement
• Result: Susan was chosen to speak at a professional conference. Tiny start: Printed proposal requirements, jotted down a few ideas
• Result: Tabitha got fit and strong. Tiny start: Tried one free class
• Result: Charlie bought a house. Tiny start: Researched mortgages for first-time buyers, and for inspiration went to see some houses
• Result: Lucia read twelve books in six months. Tiny start: Made a list of books she had always wanted to read, picked one, then ordered it
• Result: Joshua found his life partner. Tiny start: Made a decision to stop dating emotionally unavailable people

Now, of course there can be a few or a thousand tiny steps
between the Start and the Result,
but without exception,
there can be no Result unless there is a Start.

This is precisely where some of my wishes, goals, and dreams got derailed – the sheer enormity of some of them activated the fear that they’d be impossible to achieve – because I lost sight of the first, tiny step. (It’s great to keep your big dream in view, so long as you get yourself back to tiny: what is one (tiny!) thing I could do today?
I made a huge shift over two decades ago when I decided to change careers. This required steps that a) were hard b) were expensive and c) took a while (years). But still, the start was absolutely tiny. I was living in Chicago and found out that Northwestern University had degree programs for grown-ups. I called the school. That’s it. That was the start.
I reached more milestones than ever when I switched to tiny beginnings. And the beauty of tiny is that it doesn’t have to be a milestone, huge achievement – it can be as small and beautiful as growing a sweet little herb garden. We are after hopes and wishes, contentment and joy, in whatever form they come, large or small.

“Little drops of water
make the mighty ocean.”
– Julia Carney

Here are two questions to help guide you in setting up your own tiny goal. See where they take you.
1. My heart tells me that during this coming year, these are the most meaningful ways I’d like to feel and be:
Some of the countless possibilities: Do I want to be challenged, nourished, stimulated, comforted, encouraged, satisfied, pushed, soothed? Do I want to feel more peaceful, more accepting, more calm? Or perhaps I want to learn something new, improve a relationship, clarify what kind of work I’d love to do, care for my mental or physical health? Do I want to create something brand new – a poem, a cookbook, a mini Zen garden? Do I want to nourish myself while being of service to others?

2. These are three tiny things I could start with:
Tiny really means tiny! As in: “Can I start right now? If not, what do I need first?”
Example 1: If my heart tells me that learning to live in the present moment is what I want and need, I can certainly start practicing right now by turning off my phone, dimming the lights, and using five minutes to focus on my breathing. Will this mean I’ve achieved living in the present consistently? No, but it gets me on my way! Example 2: If I want to read two books every month, I can start today by making a list of books and ordering one.
One tiny thing:
Another tiny thing:
And another tiny thing:

Around here we love small things, that despite their
smallness, can have mighty impact.

When I had the idea for Thriving Bravely (big), I started with my vision and a brand statement and created an organized binder (tiny).
Then I decided to make a commitment to keep going.

Tiny starts have two things in common:
an idea and a decision.

If you feel like it, jot down other thoughts you have about what the next tiny things might be. Little is a delightful, smart powerhouse.
Remember that beautiful plans and deadlines often change. Because life does. It’s ok. Change your mind, change your goal, change your deadlines…this is your New Year.
Would you like to hear about my tiny start this year? Here it is: My heart tells me I want to work on living in the present moment so I can absorb and appreciate what is right in front of me. My husband. My dogs. My health. My work. You. My writing. The love I’m offered. Three tiny things I can do right now to practice living in the present moment? One: Spend ten minutes focused on my breathing. As I breathe in, I inhale calm. As I breathe out, I exhale fear. Two: When a future worry intrudes, I will hear it but not engage. Three: When I need to re-ground myself, I will put my hand over my heart and count the beats.
Tiny yet mighty. I’m excited to see how it will unfold. And I wish you all the very best as you create the start of your year, your way.
Part Two in this Tiny is Mighty Series will go wider and deeper into the journey of small and ways to capitalize on momentum. Stay tuned, more to come : )

TO GET A PRINTABLE PDF OF THE QUESTIONS AND
“59 Tiny Seeds for Cultivating Your New Year”
CLICK HERE!
Boundaries – the Big List

Boundaries – the Big List.

Boundaries are our best friends – always.
I’m certain you already know why they are essential to having good, enriching relationships with ourselves and others. Boundaries are about clarity regarding who we are and what we stand for. They express our values, limits, and love. They keep us safe, emotionally and physically. They reduce anxiety: we know where we and others stand. They help us nurture ourselves and the ones we love.
Keep in mind that boundaries are about being clear when ours are crossed, AND being clear about what we might want instead. For example, if a friend says something that feels hurtful, you might say: “I want to let you know why that hurt my feelings because I care so much about our friendship and know you do too.” In this case you set a boundary while increasing connection.)
Healthy Boundaries Are:
• Clearly and kindly stated
• Helpful to each person in the relationship
• Based on love – for oneself and others
• Stated without starting with “I’m sorry” (implying that either you’re about to say something that will hurt, or that having a boundary is something we need to apologize for. We don’t.)
• Framed in a context of caring about the relationship
• Respectful
• Saying yes when we mean yes, and no when we mean no
Healthy Boundaries Are Not:
• Fences or walls, to keep people out of our hearts and minds
• Ways to avoid difficult conversations
• Based in fear (although they can feel protective)
• Harsh or unreasonable
• The same for everyone
• Punishment or retribution
• Something to apologize for
• Saying no because we’re annoyed with them about something else
• Saying yes and then resenting that we said yes
And boy are boundaries challenging to implement when we aren’t feeling so strong – which is when our self-esteem may feel a bit fragile, and our capacity to stand up for ourselves may be less accessible. One doesn’t have to feel depressed or anxious to struggle with boundaries.
I’m always impressed when I hear someone clearly and kindly say “no” to someone, because it reminds me of my long ago childhood fear: if I dared to say no or disagree (especially with an adult), it was an unspoken understanding that doing so was way out-of-bounds. Tack on the likelihood of criticism, and shame quickly went into action. So, speaking up did not come naturally to me; I had to learn.
It’s not that way for me now, thankfully, because of the work I’ve done to unlearn these false, harmful narratives that I grew up with. It’s interesting though, that those narratives can be reawakened still – and in a way I think that’s really great – because it reminds me when I’m helping others, like you, that setting and maintaining boundaries is not something most of us were taught and encouraged to do. It’s good to stay mindful about whatever our own challenges about boundaries might be.
I’ve noticed that both young girls and boys all need help acquiring the language and confidence required of setting boundaries – although somewhere along the way some boys, as they grew to be men, seemed so much more at ease with challenging, boundary-related conversations at work – explaining why they deserve a raise, saying no to staying late that night, or declining an invitation to after-work drinks with the boss.
Are men less vulnerable to people-pleasing? I don’t think so – I’ll bet they feel it inside as much as women often do – but I encountered so many men in my former career who didn’t appear to spend a lot of time worrying about others’ reactions when they put their foot down about something. It looked like it was pretty natural to them. (Looked like being the operative phrase here, I think.)
Why boundary setting with our fellow humans can be challenging or even scary
Let’s look at what we imagine the consequences to be when we say “no” or “thanks for asking, but I have to decline” – or any other version. Here are some of the things I was told when I surveyed a bunch of people about their worries:
• She’ll feel I let her down…and will think less of me
• He’ll think I can’t be relied on to pitch in
• He’ll think my leaving at 6pm to celebrate my partner’s birthday means my career isn’t important enough to me
• She won’t like me anymore
• Maybe I’ll get passed over for a promotion because I don’t say yes to every request
• My friend will think I don’t love her enough
• The friendship will suffer
• My friends know how reliable and helpful I am, so now I feel I can’t say no if one of them needs something from me
• I feel pressure to always say yes because others’ opinions about me matter so much
If your boundaries could use a brush up or reinforcement, or you want some ideas on things you can say, I’m here to help – with this Big List of Boundaries. See if some of them might be just right – whether for work, friendship, love or anything in between. (And in case you would like the list in a printable PDF, just click on the button at the end of this post to get it.)
Phrasing Work Boundaries
♥ I would be glad to help with that but need your help prioritizing what I’m doing now because I won’t be able to meet all my deadlines if I take on anything new. Could we look at my workload together?
♥ Thanks for thinking of me to take this on. Could you clarify the deadline? Given all my assignments right now, I think I’d have to delegate a few of my current projects. Could you help me figure that out?
♥ I wish I could help, but I have a commitment at 5:30pm that I can’t change. I do have extra time tomorrow – would that help?
♥ I want to let you know that I’m having to work every evening and weekend, just to keep up with all the deadlines. I’d like to see if there is some way we could problem-solve, and see if there are some adjustments that could be made…what are your thoughts?
♥ It’s important for all of us to be here on time so our meeting is productive. We need your input so I’d be grateful if you could be more punctual
♥ I’m not comfortable discussing my personal life at work
♥ It’s great you’re so enthusiastic in our meetings, and I just wanted to mention that when you interrupt, it’s frustrating
Phrasing Boundaries For Relationships & Connections
♥ I’m certain you didn’t mean to, but when you said/did X, it hurt my feelings and wanted to let you know so it doesn’t come between us
♥ I’m upset about our argument. I’d like to talk about it but I’m not quite ready. Could we talk tomorrow?
♥ I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve spent together, but our friendship isn’t a good fit for me now. I hope you’ll understand. And I wish you all the best
♥ Thank you for asking. It’s been a rough year, but I am doing better. (Then perhaps shift subjects)
♥ It would be great to talk about it some other time because the support would be so helpful. Are you free for a coffee next week?
♥ I appreciate your concern, that means a lot. It’s not something I can speak about right now
♥ If person persists in asking: As I said, I’m not able to talk about this now. Thanks for respecting that
♥ I’m sure you understand how difficult that subject is for me. I appreciate your caring, but it’s been a nice break to be so busy at work
♥ This has been a painful few months, and it’s still too hard to discuss. I appreciate you keeping a good thought for me
♥ You’re so kind to ask how I am. I need time to heal. Maybe at some point I’ll feel ok talking about it
♥ Lighthearted tease, with a smile: Well, that’s quite a question! Not everyone would go there, Susan!
♥ I just need some time alone right now
♥ I wish I was free to help with that, but I have to decline
♥ I’m not comfortable continuing this conversation right now
♥ I want to hear what you are saying, but your angry tone is making it hard for me to listen. Could we start over?
♥ When you made a joke about ________, it wasn’t funny to me
♥ You may not be aware that sometimes you tease me in a way that feels mocking and disrespectful. For example, when you said ________ it felt like a put-down
♥ I’d really appreciate it if we didn’t text or talk after 8pm as that’s when I’m unplugging
♥ I’m not comfortable sharing that information as I’m holding it in confidence
♥ I realize this may disappoint you, but I have to decline your invitation
♥ I’d love to help, but I’m already overextended
♥ I’m flattered that you asked me to be part of that project, however I’m not able to take that on right now
♥ It makes me uncomfortable when you speak unkindly about others
♥ Please don’t comment on my appearance/weight/lifestyle choices. It feels disrespectful and hurtful
♥ I know you really want me to do __________, but I’ve already said I couldn’t and it seems like you are pressuring me to change my mind
♥ I’m not comfortable with that level of intimacy. I’d like to take things slowly
♥ I’d be grateful if you could respect my privacy
♥ Thank you, but I can’t meet up at that time
♥ I’m sad about the way you are speaking to me. It feels terrible
♥ It’s going to be impossible for me to stay in this conversation if you keep shouting
♥ I’ve made my decision, and I’m ok with it. If I need any more input, I’ll be sure to ask
♥ I’m really sensitive about being touched or hugged unless someone asks first
♥ I was told that you said _________about me. Please don’t talk about me to others. It’s important to me that we can speak directly to each other if there’s a problem
♥ Sometimes you tell me things about others and I’d prefer that you didn’t
♥ Yes, it’s true I am open about my mental health, but it is my information to share, not yours. Please don’t do that again
♥ I don’t think anyone should apologize for being clear about having a particular boundary. Would you like to know more about why this boundary is important to me?
♥ When you said ___________, it invalidated my feelings and hurt me. My and your feelings are equally important.
♥ I care about our relationship and think being clear about our different needs will strengthen our connection
♥ Thank you for understanding as I express my needs
♥ I trust that you’ll understand and respect the boundaries I’m setting
♥ Our friendship is important to me and I don’t expect you to read my mind, which is why I am telling you what upset me
♥ Your feelings matter, and that’s why I’m being honest about my boundaries
♥ It’s important that we both feel safe and respected, so I’d like to talk to you about what happened yesterday
♥ Right now I have to prioritize my work, so let’s connect next month
♥ This isn’t a good time to talk, but thank you for calling. Is there a good time to call over the weekend?
♥ Talking about that won’t be helpful to me, thank you for understanding
♥ No, thank you
♥ Thanks for asking, but that isn’t possible for me
♥ I’ll have to give some thought to what you said
♥ I feel sad that you would say that
♥ I prefer to avoid political discussions as they often become argumentative. Let’s talk about something else
Depending on the situation, you may need to be firm or gentle, or a combination. I always lean towards giving people the benefit of the doubt – and not to assume my boundary was crossed from carelessness (or worse).
I believe we’re all trying our best. Sometimes we cross lines because we didn’t know what the other person needed. Or we may reflect later, and realize we should have been more sensitive/respectful/kind in the way we said or did something.
A great response to someone who declares their boundary to us, or lets us know we’ve upset them, is to simply say: “Thank you for letting me know how that made you feel. I’m sorry, and I understand. I’ll be more aware in the future.” We’ve learned something, we make amends, and move on.
None of us are mind readers – we must listen deeply to others’ needs as well as our own. And – you guessed it – that means we have to speak up and unapologetically ask for what we need, and say how things make us feel.
We’re all in this together.
Love,
P.S. I just heard this on a podcast: “No” is a complete sentence. Clear, concise…but I like a little softness thrown in there when I’m told “no” : )

TO GET A PRINTABLE PDF
OF THE LIST OF BOUNDARIES, CLICK HERE!
The New Year Effect

The New Year Effect.

Hello, and welcome back as we start the first month of this new year.
Two things often happen with me at this juncture, and I wonder if they happen to you, too. One, the build-up to the holidays can be any combination of rushed/stressed/anxious/get-me-out-of-here/fun/when can I sit down/great to see everyone/cool gifts given and received…and everything in between. In short, it’s a lot.
And two, the abrupt, sudden stop to the preparations – well, because the day finally arrived – sometimes left me feeling somewhat adrift and untethered in the days that followed – not sad, exactly, but with the New Year looming I always felt I had to get my act together, for real this year, because you know – hopes and dreams.
I’d like to share a brief anecdote with you because I have been thinking about my own new year, and that made me think of you. (If you noticed I used the word “looming” –that is what it felt like, sort of like the Sunday Scaries and you’ve got a project due tomorrow you haven’t even started. Yuck.) I think I now understand why I, and maybe you, have mixed feelings about the calendar turning over: it’s a fresh start (good) that can induce pressure (not so good) to be better, do better – and don’t forget to add in the things we should stop doing.
In my case, a particular context set the stage for these mixed feelings. In my family of origin, there was a certain tradition I never quite understood (and came to dislike). My father would put on a record (yup, an album) of Christmas carols, gorgeously sung by a highly professional German choir. Because the record was old, it had small scratches from the needle making its way around for at least a hundred Christmases, which became a familiar part of the experience. Ok, so far so good.
But here’s the thing: within ten to fifteen seconds of the music starting, everyone was crying. Usually someone would make a forlorn remark about time going by so fast, but mainly you had to be silent, weeping. It seemed to me one of the very few times I saw my parents express what had to be deep, though wordless, emotions. But this annual event was stubbornly central to the evening – it was just what we did. Every year, the build up to Christmas included the anticipation of sobbing. Good times!
I think for years, the Christmases of my youth, with their pathos and sorrow and the regrets and sadness swirling around the adults, had a dual effect of wearing me out and spurring me on not to be like them, not to dwell in regret and the past. The present couldn’t even get a seat at the table.
So, we come to what I call The New Year Effect: the pressure (self-imposed or otherwise), the habit and the wish to kick of a new year with bold, marvelous, lofty, important goals – so that – here’s the kicker – we can become “better” than what we are today, and fix the regrets of yesterday. The New Year Effect can induce feelings of shame. (Click here to read all about how to tame shame.)
Lest you start swearing at me or feel an urge to leave the site, I hasten to add that bold, marvelous, lofty goals are terrific. But, if we create them from a place of “I’m not good enough”, hoping and expecting that whatever transformation that occurs will make men or women flock to us, get us raises, help us lose twenty pounds and make us the thinnest person at that 25-year reunion in May (because then things will be great and I’ll finally feel really good about myself), we’ll be headed for trouble. Maybe you will get those things. But I have some doubts.
Achieving goals that have even a teeny bit of people-pleasing attached to them, or are driven by any “should”, or are accompanied by the expectation that they will make us feel different, better, happier, more liked – are very unlikely to be deeply satisfying in the long haul. Deeply satisfying, along the lines of “I can’t wait to go back to my project, it’s so hard and fun” or “It feels so good to be making new friends. I needed this.”
The typical way many of us think about New Year’s resolutions is inherently problematic: we tend to focus on what we need to stop doing (things we like) and start doing (things we don’t really like). It’s no wonder that by February those resolutions have weakened or disappeared altogether – and we feel worse about ourselves for it.
Let’s think about this new year differently. Let’s think about our hopes and dreams for the year and create them from a place of love and acceptance about who we are today. We are perfectly imperfect the way we are. And let’s give ourselves permission to stop working towards that goal if it no longer seems to fit or excite us.
Wanting to achieve anything – more fitness or health, more close friendships, starting a business, writing a book, repairing a relationship, learning a new skill – all need our most positive, excited self as the launching pad. Shame and its favorite partner guilt will sabotage our beautiful goals come February 1, when we may feel we’ve bitten off more than we can chew, or the steps to that goal start to feel overwhelming. Shame (which is not the core of you, it’s the carried part from the past) will find an opening to inflame self-doubt. And that’s a terribly deflating way to embark on your new year.
How about instead, come February 1, you lasso any discouragement or self-doubt, let it sit there, then spend some time reflecting about whether your goal just needs modifying, or a different timeline? Or perhaps you could get some help with it? Or, have you changed your mind and something else feels more important now, that you hadn’t thought of before? See Quitting is for Winners for some thoughts on the beauty of letting go of things.
My goal last year was to launch Thriving Bravely in July. Now I find that comically hysterical! It was lofty all right, but so unrealistic because I didn’t know at the time how much longer each step would take than I had planned. So, I fine-tuned how I was working, kept going, blew through a few deadlines, met others, and here we are. I loved every minute of it, and had I launched in July it wouldn’t be what it is today. It needed time and so did I.
Would you like some ideas about how to make your new year dreams come true? I thought so : )
Creating a solid foundation for success
• Find your “why”. Keep asking yourself “why is this important to me?” until you feel you’ve reached the core desire. Here’s a common example: “I want to lose 20 pounds.” Why? “I’d like to feel healthier and have my clothes fit better.” Why? “I’ll feel more confident.” Why? “Because it will help me feel stronger.” Why? “It will decrease my depression and build my self-esteem.” You get the idea. In this case, sounds like feeling less depressed and better about yourself is actually the goal; losing 20 pounds is one of the strategies.
• Get very clear on how achieving your resolution will improve your life, and be aware of any thoughts that surface about how you hope others will feel about your achievement. This is your year, not theirs.
• I love huge goals, but smaller ones are fantastic too, because they feel immediately rewarding and keep our energy up. For example: “This year I am determined to say something kind to myself, everyday. I’ll write it down.”
• At Thriving Bravely we look for small moments of joy. Could one goal be to slow down and notice the little things that inspire happiness, wonder, love? (I got a darling white lilac bulb in a tiny vase, and watching it blossom makes me smile every time I walk past it.)
• Revisit what you set out to do, often. Examine its ongoing importance to you, tweak your schedule to fit it in, or abandon it and choose something else if your interest has changed (that too is growth).
• Watch out for resolutions like “I’m not going to eat Cadbury’s mini-eggs this year.” If you feel less candy would be a good resolution, how about “I’m going to enjoy my Cadbury’s as a treat on the weekend.”
• Resolutions are destined for the garbage heap if they feel like deprivation or an endurance test. They are made to be enriching, not to spoil fun!
Here are some of my intentions this year: continue being my wholehearted self, laugh more at my quirks and flaws, and love my peeps and my animals as much as I possibly can.
Best wishes to you for the New Year.
The Holiday Stress Series

The Holiday Stress Series

Managing family, expectations, and boundaries.
The original article that kicked off the series, previously titled “Dealing with Holiday Stress.” Discusses the challenges of close contact with the people we no longer live with (even though we still love them), and how to navigate holiday events your way.
READ >

Loss doesn’t take a holiday.
Dealing with our feelings of loss, as well as others’ reactions to our feelings, can be especially difficult at this time of year.
READ >

Loneliness and belonging.
Loneliness is everywhere and although we are not alone in this, it can feel as though we are. Explore ways to increase your connections and sense of belonging.
READ >

Did someone just ask me that?
Good-hearted people can stumble when it comes to showing empathy, never mind allowing sadness, without withdrawing into their own discomfort. Here you’ll find lots of ways to address questions and comments you’re not ready to deal with, in a loving, firm, thriving bravely way.
READ >
Taming Shame

Taming Shame

Shame is an extraordinarily loaded feeling and reaction. I’ll bet it’s at the top of most peoples’ lists of feelings they loathe. It’s a close cousin to guilt, which I will explain.
We are not born feeling shame; it is an internal response to humiliation, judgment, and rejection by people we care about and love. Shame is a searing moment when terrible things are said or done to us, and standing there, red-faced, we wish more than anything that we could be swallowed up by the ground under our feet. Shame is when we feel wholly inadequate as a person, exposed, broken, even – and worthy of the rejection itself.
Shame is someone else dumping their pain on us.
Guilt, on the other hand, is a feeling we get when we have crossed a moral boundary of our own (or society’s). For example, if you took money off your parent’s dresser when you were young, you probably felt guilty. Anticipating guilt, from doing something we are thinking about, but know is wrong, can help us put the brakes on and thus steer clear of engaging in that behavior. For sure, guilt can occur when someone tells us we’ve hurt their feelings. So we apologize, own our transgression and move on.
However, if we have not addressed the core feelings that live inside us, from being shamed growing up, the shame can easily attach itself to instances where we feel guilt, making that normally transient emotion larger-than-life, all-consuming and leaving us feeling worthless and about one inch tall. If that. So, shame and guilt can be toxic companions.
Can the beast of shame be tamed? Yes! I can’t promise total eradication, because we can’t erase our early experiences of shame – but we can explore them, try our best to understand them, and work to recognize that feeling shame is not our fault and was not caused by us. Try to imagine an infant experiencing shame. Exactly.
So, to summarize: incidents of humiliation (or coercion and abuse) by a parent or other person whom we love, care for and depend on, create shameful feelings that lead to (a usually unconscious) belief that indeed, we are insufficient and deserving of devaluation. We often perpetuate the shame by judging ourselves harshly. This pattern can manifest in choosing relationships that mimic the behavior of the original shamer, not trusting our own feelings (further invalidation), and living with excruciating self-doubt and self-sabotage.
We’ve seen how shame and guilt can be cozy partners. Add depression and anxiety to that duo and we can end up in a full-blown crisis. I know, it sounds like taming shame is harder than you thought and it would be understandable if you are now wondering if the toxic mess shame generates can be stopped (or at least wrangled into submission). Yes, it can. And I am going to show you how.
I’ve purposely detailed my thoughts on shame to underscore how imperative it is that we get a handle on it. Tackling the problems of depression and anxiety are going to, at some point, unearth hidden (or maybe not so hidden) pockets of shame. That’s ok. More than ok. It’s a good thing. Because sunshine is the best disinfectant.
Ready to move on to some ways to bring shame out of the darkness, and give it the heave-ho? Let’s go.
EMPATHY
Empathy is the mother of all shame antidotes. Shame doesn’t stand a chance against it. Empathy towards ourselves and others is the pathway to belonging and connection, which in turn become the way we heal. (Read anything by Brené Brown, PhD, MSW to go deeper into your understanding of shame).
• Show yourself some love. Spend some time, every day, feeling into a few things you love about yourself. There is just one you in the world, here to share your gifts and be the truest you possible. Here, I’ll go first. I love myself for my generosity with time, love and money. I love that I am resourceful and good at solving problems. I love my auburn, curly hair (finally! I was teased endlessly for it in middle school and back then wished I had pin-straight blonde). I love myself for my kind heart. Now you try. It’s not bragging. It’s owning who you are. It’s ok to not like some things about ourselves – as long as shame isn’t the driver and you work to frame it as perfectly acceptable to be imperfect. (I am working on this too.) The artist Salvador Dali wrote: “Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.” We’d do well to absorb this message of acceptance.
• Consider asking your partner or a close friend to tell you three things they love and admire about you. (Notice if your inner voice says “Really? They’re just being nice”; that’s a big molecule of shame trying to bust the party.)
• Find some mantras that work for you, write them down and say them, feel them, believe them. I know, this sounds a little woo woo, but stay with me here. It helps in challenging that old shame voice, coaxing it to into submission. A few of my go-to mantras are “When I stay connected to the core me, I am unstoppable” and “I love myself and therefore have more love to give”. Google self-love mantras and see what resonates.
• Who in your life has offered you empathy? What was it about their presence, words and behavior that felt empathic to you? (One of the most enduring memories I have of being shown empathy was my amazing 4^th Grade teacher Mrs. Stokes. I was riddled with anxiety and she saw it, gently embraced it, and soothed it with kind words, praise and patience.)
• How do you manifest empathy towards others? Who are these lucky people? What things trigger your empathic response? (By the way, the activation of our empathy towards others can offer interesting information about our own shame; we sometimes recognize in others what we needed but did not get).
TELL YOUR STORY. EXPLORE YOUR NARRATIVE OF SHAME. Shame feeds on secrecy and all variations of self-doubt such as “what will she think of me if I reveal how I feel?” Stuck in our heads and hearts, shame calls the shots – but, when we call it out by speaking about it, shame loses its grip. You can start by asking yourself some questions, such as:
• Who shamed me when I was young? What did they say or do (to me)?
• How do I remember reacting at that time?
• Who else in my family carries shame? How do I know this? Perhaps they are people-pleasing, overly solicitous, angry, unkind, narcissistic, lonely, depressed, entitled, very uncomfortable with feelings (tend to leave the room if a feeling is even mentioned), quick to judge others about appearance, their tastes – or anything at all?
• What do I know about family members’ histories? (Shame is often transferred through generations.)
These can be painful questions, leading to painful answers. No need to go it alone. I highly recommend engaging in therapy while exploring them, which will provide you with a safe relationship and additional perspective, especially if your shame is connected to trauma. (Perhaps the course A Thriving Life might be right for you; in it we do a deep dive into shame.) Click here to learn more
We need to accept ourselves as we are,
before we can become who we want to be.

You’ve got this.
Quitting is for Winners

Quitting is for Winners.

The idea for this article came to me as I caught my inner critic surfacing; I was trying to meet a deadline and the writing was not coming as easily as it often (thankfully) does. My ever-so-helpful critic said “Hmmm….seems to me you’re not going to make that deadline – perhaps you shouldn’t have watched that show you love last night. Maybe you’d be done by now.” Seriously? That stung, but I took a deep breath and told it (silently): “You’re not the boss of me. I am quitting listening to your nonsense.” I got a cup of tea, and on my way back from the kitchen realized how powerful quitting is – and how necessary. (We’d never let a friend speak to us the way we sometimes speak to ourselves, right?)
But quitting flies in the face of our culture, where perseverance and finishing (usually in first place) are paramount, no matter what: “no pain, no gain” and “you must get to the peak of that mountain even if your feet are bleeding and you’re running out of oxygen”. (Really? Do I?) If you ask someone why winning, achieving, blasting through pain is so important, they say “Well, it just is. It’s what winners do. Good things don’t come easily, you know.” Oh boy.
Let me make myself super clear on one thing: I believe in hard work and enjoy the process. I love being stretched and challenged, physically, intellectually, and emotionally. I accept that growth can be (very) hard. But I do not believe pain and suffering must be present. In an apparent contradiction, pain could be like that guy on the roadside with a flag, there to slow cars down. Pain might be a great partner in letting us know enough is enough. And good enough is good enough.
Quitting can be our partner in shifting from languishing to flourishing.
I have called it quits on many things and at times struggled to do so:
• I quit my first marriage (with kindness) because what was broken couldn’t be fixed
• I quit beating myself up for not being one of the “cool” girls in high school. I loved school and learning. That was me.
• I quit a job I hated after six weeks; the people were mean and I couldn’t stand one more minute
• I quit laughing at my father’s trying-to-be-funny-but-meant-as-a-criticism remarks. Not funny. Told him it hurt my feelings.
• I quit comparing myself to others (sometimes still working on that one)
• I quit allowing shame to take over when I realized the other person’s poor behavior was not mine to own.
So…what does being a winner by quitting have to do with mental health? Glad you asked!
When we quit believing, saying, doing things (and being with people) that make us feel bad about ourselves, we are depriving depression and anxiety of some of the fuel they run on. One of the sneakiest ways win-at-all-costs shows up is when we have made what someone else thinks of us more important than what we think about ourselves.
Of course, if a friend or colleague has helpful feedback and kindly points out something we do that bothers them, we need to listen. And then stop doing whatever it is. But this can be integrated into your budding self-worth by accepting that needing to change something is not an indication of some flaw – it just means you’re human.
Winning-at-all-costs does not allow for mistakes – or for changing your mind. Maybe your goal was to climb to that highest peak but three quarters of the way there the dangers and the pain got through to your wise brain and you chose to turn back. You quit pushing yourself to take a risk that, to you, was no longer the prize you imagined it to be. It’s not “I failed to reach the peak” – it’s really “Getting as far as I did is amazing but I changed my mind about risking my life.” Sounds like a win to me! (If the idea of now having to explain to others why you made that choice feels… awkward…embarrassing…shameful…that’s a note to self that there’s some quitting you might want to consider. As well as some work on shame.)
When we are depressed and anxious, we can feel either so depleted, or our minds feel so cloudy, that tapping into our deepest selves, listening to what our heart really needs, can be mighty challenging. This is where working on quieting your mind and just breathing can be so helpful. Staying still for a few minutes can allow us to see the break in the clouds. Then you can really feel into what you need and ask yourself does saying or doing this thing serve me? Am I being true to myself or perhaps just a teeny bit too concerned about what others might think of me?
Letting our hearts speak to us, and understanding
our inner critic, can set us up to quit
what no longer serves us.
See what happens when you decide to quit things or relationships that dampen your joy or hurt your feelings. Please send me an email and let me know how it goes!
(By the way, this article feels a little unfinished to me. Some people may love it, others not so much. That’s ok. I am quitting worrying (for now!) about that. And there is that deadline, after all. So I published it, and can move on to writing an article about shame.)
Happiness, reimagined

An excerpt from A Thriving Life

Happiness, reimagined.

It appears that many of us are interested in being happy. I just learned an amazing fact: depending on how you search, there are no fewer than 23,000 and probably more than 50,000 books on happiness. Really.
Two things about this struck me. One, apparently there is no one definition of happiness or one way to find it. Two, a lot of us are writing and buying books about it. We want answers : )
Our culture is obsessed with happiness – and it can feel oppressive. Sure, feeling dissatisfied, sad, worried, doubtful, scared, and irritable are not on the list of favorite feelings, but we are not denying ourselves happiness by having them.
And it is not our problem if other people freak out when we feel those ways. I have met a number of people who get so uncomfortable if you answer their question “How are you?” honestly. You can feel their discomfort; they seem to squirm internally if you say anything other than “Great, thanks.”
I’m calling bullshit on forced happiness and pressure to be joyful all the time. Please. It’s not real. (And how would we even recognize the state of joy if we have never felt despair?)
My qualification to offer you some thoughts on a way to reimagine happiness is that I’ve been walking around on this planet for a few decades, and having experienced both depression and anxiety, I have a very, very high interest in figuring out this mysterious, you-know-it-when-you-feel-it, thing called being happy. I suspect you may feel the same.
Unhappiness and depression are not equivalent.
Before moving on, let’s get one thing out of the way: unhappiness and depression are not interchangeable terms. We can feel unhappy, but not be depressed, and we can feel happy even if we are depressed. But when we are depressed or suffering through anxiety, happiness can be challenging to recognize. Like trying to find something you dropped, in the dark, without a flashlight.
I’d love to hand you that flashlight. Read on to explore more about happiness and some ways to tap into your own particular sense of it, by creating the conditions for recognizing and enjoying happiness when it occurs.
I’ll begin by sharing a short story.
A few years ago, I was on vacation at our favorite beach. It was lovely. And I was crying.
I had become aware of some depression symptoms returning, slowly, insidiously. I remember feeling a profound sense of time rushing by, and the rhythmic, relentless sound of the waves reaching the shore reflected that feeling. I felt untethered and somewhat hopeless. In the painful moments that followed, I focused on my breath.
Some uncomfortable feelings and thoughts bubbled up: “I hate this. I can’t stand feeling this way; it makes no sense – I have so much in my life that I love and am grateful for; I’m worried I will ruin our vacation; I’m angry, this is so unfair.”
Clearly, my mind ran with very unhelpful (though understandable) thoughts. Despite all my experience managing and recovering from depression, this time it crept up on me and my mood was in a nosedive before I had a chance to pull back on the throttle.
I did two things immediately once I realized I was in trouble: I told my husband how I was feeling and forced myself to walk the length of the beach. Then, I went back to my breathing, quieted my mind, and trusted that while I couldn’t control the depression itself, I did have agency to react to it differently – not to get anxious, angry or project (what may never happen) into the future.
I’m sure you noticed that I got caught, momentarily, in the vortex of “hating” depression – of course we don’t like it and I wish for all of us it didn’t happen, but “hating” it gives it fuel and momentum – not to mention that it connects us to anger and that definitely won’t make us feel better. Don’t worry, I’m not going to recommend we find a way to be grateful for depression (there’s probably a book about that…no thanks), but it has helped me when I fight with it less, and roll with it more, so that I remain empowered even if I’m struggling.
Back to the story.
Although it seems wildly contradictory – because who wants to “stay in the present” when the present is depression? – I did just that. I accepted what was happening (doesn’t mean I liked it) and did my best to just…be. I focused on the warmth of the sand on my feet and the faint smell of sunscreen. I listened to the surf.
When I relaxed a little, my attention was drawn to a little boy of about four, who was laughing so hard he was bent over double, eyes closed, completely overtaken by amusement. My eyes pricked with tears at witnessing such a beautiful, present moment of joy. I felt a tenderness that almost ached, and I became aware of my heart opening wide at his sweetness and laughter. I reached for my husband’s hand and stayed in the tenderness. Some minutes later I saw the little boy leaning against his mother’s legs while she sat in her beach chair, and she offered him a sandwich. I was in contentment.
This would be a fairy tale if I told you that feeling lasted and lasted. But the existence of that moment was a very real piece of happiness for me – and those moments of happiness have recurred again and again. And moments count. I’m going to repeat that because it’s really, really important: Moments count.
Happiness often hides in plain sight.
I’ve thought a lot about happiness since then. As I’ve become more attuned to these experiences, I realize I didn’t really register them before as aspects of my own happiness, contentment and love. But there they’ve been, hiding in plain sight.
Sometimes when I’m in that emotional space I’ve described, I feel a curious, intense longing; a mixture of an acute, piercing recognition of my deepest self and the oneness of the world – which feels exquisite: poignant and infused with extraordinary joy. The feeling is so visceral that words can’t quite capture it (sort of like trying to explain what love is).
Music often activates the experience; Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”, any rendition of “Silent Night” and Pearl Jam’s “Just Breathe” are guaranteed to transport me to this mysterious, beautiful, slightly sorrowful place. Art, deeply moving films and books can open me to these feelings too. (Note: I go in very different direction musically when I want a dopamine hit and high energy. Think UB40, The Rolling Stones, Brandi Carlisle).
However, I have also been learning that there is plenty of joy to be found in the simplest of things. An absorbing book and doing laundry (yes, really) are good examples. When we get quiet, as I did on the beach, happiness can show up unexpectedly.
It is perfectly okay – even expected – that you may not agree with some of my thoughts. I am sharing these experiences with you to underscore both how personal the state of happiness is, and to offer you encouragement to tap into the sources of your own.
One more layer that I find fascinating: what makes me feel happy has changed with time. For example, in my early thirties I had a huge job in advertising and traveled the world constantly. I loved it. I loved the smell of jet fuel and the adventure it promised. I loved the bewildering strangeness and beauty of Southeast Asia and being so far from home: absorbing a sense of being on another planet while discovering the common humanity everywhere.
But…there came a time when I no longer wanted to live that way or have that career. Other things now make me happy, and still others will that I have yet to discover. Do I feel twinges of nostalgia for my former life? Of course. But growth leads to change and change leads to growth.
Growth leads to change and change leads to growth.
If we can love and miss what came before, we can also anticipate that we will look back someday on this week, this year, and miss parts of them, too.
Translation: there are relationships and things happening in our lives today, that feature aspects of happiness, contentment and peace. We don’t want to overlook them, especially when we are anxious or depressed. They are there, waiting to be seen and enjoyed.
Happiness (for you, for me, for all of us) fluctuates and evolves, and I believe (on my best days, I know) that if it is not here at this very minute, it will be back soon.
CREATING THE CONDITIONS TO ALLOW HAPPINESS.
It can be helpful to think of this as intentionally letting happiness, whatever that may be for you, reveal itself.
We can embrace the possibility that a moment of contentment, no matter its brevity, can be mighty powerful.
And that moment can be sustaining. My hour of contentment on the beach that day lifted my spirits for far longer than the moment itself.
Here are some ways to coax happiness to the surface. If you like, jot down some things you might like to try yourself.
• What do you really, really care about? List a few things that matter deeply to you. Could be a relationship, a cause, your work, a creative project, writing, a pet, a friendship…anything at all that feels indispensable in your life. It could be a big thing such as your relationship with your partner, or a smaller thing such as feeling your home is a cozy, restful place that you enjoy decorating. If it matters to you, it matters. Now, think about how often you pay deep attention to that thing or person. Given how much it/they matter to you, can you take time every day to be in it, notice it, and enjoy how wonderful it feels to care so much about it/them? That is an invitation for happiness to show up.
• Do something that nourishes you. (One time I started baking something when I was depressed. It took about an hour to get going and just do it already (because I was depressed)…and then, because working with my hands relaxes me, I was caught by surprise. I began to feel…peaceful. I enjoyed myself. That was happiness, all right.
• Take a day off. This will sound like I’m contradicting myself, but sometimes we just need to let go, stop thinking of our “to do” list, and give ourselves a break. (On one of my days off I bundled up on the sofa after breakfast and read a mystery novel cover to cover. For eight hours. It was bliss. And it felt great to give myself what I needed.) This can work best if you plan the day off ahead of time, so you don’t have to make a bunch of calls to clear your calendar: sidestep the trap of feeling badly about rescheduling things.
• Be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Rest is just as “productive” as making dinner for your family (or anything else). Depression and anxiety can be so, so draining. We need to balance pushing through while honoring our need to step away for a bit. To breathe. To pause. Life is not an endurance test!
• What do you find beautiful? The perfect lilac in your garden? A song? A thunderstorm? A beautifully arranged tower of books? A film you watch often? Think of everyday things that you may walk past, or take for granted, without really seeing them. Look for them now. Make noticing beauty, as you define it, a part of your day. There are pieces of happiness all around us. (Although it has become ordinary because of its frequency, every single time I return home my dog is over-the-moon delighted to see me. All I have to do is notice how wonderful it makes me feel and I’m back in happiness again.)
• Try to let go of the fantasy/expectation that feeling happy should be a permanent state. You’ll end up fighting so hard to “be happy” that you won’t feel it when it’s there. It may help all of us to think of happiness as a very welcome visitor who may not take up residence, but whose arrival is eagerly expected and anticipated.
One last thought. The vulnerability that depression and anxiety have opened in me, sometimes makes me feel tender and overly sensitive. I’ve come to appreciate that my vulnerabilities, although partly born from heartache, have also, over time, made me more available to joy and love. I wish the same for you.
Now that will make me happy : )

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