Boundaries – the Big List.

Boundaries are our best friends – always.

I’m certain you already know why they are essential to having good, enriching relationships with ourselves and others. Boundaries are about clarity regarding who we are and what we stand for. They express our values, limits, and love. They keep us safe, emotionally and physically. They reduce anxiety: we know where we and others stand. They help us nurture ourselves and the ones we love.

Keep in mind that boundaries are about being clear when ours are crossed, AND being clear about what we might want instead. For example, if a friend says something that feels hurtful, you might say: “I want to let you know why that hurt my feelings because I care so much about our friendship and know you do too.” In this case you set a boundary while increasing connection.)

Healthy Boundaries Are:

• Clearly and kindly stated

• Helpful to each person in the relationship

• Based on love – for oneself and others

• Stated without starting with “I’m sorry” (implying that either you’re about to say something that will hurt, or that having a boundary is something we need to apologize for. We don’t.)

• Framed in a context of caring about the relationship

• Respectful

• Saying yes when we mean yes, and no when we mean no

Healthy Boundaries Are Not:

• Fences or walls, to keep people out of our hearts and minds

• Ways to avoid difficult conversations

• Based in fear (although they can feel protective)

• Harsh or unreasonable

• The same for everyone

• Punishment or retribution

• Something to apologize for

• Saying no because we’re annoyed with them about something else

• Saying yes and then resenting that we said yes

And boy are boundaries challenging to implement when we aren’t feeling so strong – which is when our self-esteem may feel a bit fragile, and our capacity to stand up for ourselves may be less accessible. One doesn’t have to feel depressed or anxious to struggle with boundaries.

I’m always impressed when I hear someone clearly and kindly say “no” to someone, because it reminds me of my long ago childhood fear: if I dared to say no or disagree (especially with an adult), it was an unspoken understanding that doing so was way out-of-bounds. Tack on the likelihood of criticism, and shame quickly went into action. So, speaking up did not come naturally to me; I had to learn.

It’s not that way for me now, thankfully, because of the work I’ve done to unlearn these false, harmful narratives that I grew up with. It’s interesting though, that those narratives can be reawakened still – and in a way I think that’s really great – because it reminds me when I’m helping others, like you, that setting and maintaining boundaries is not something most of us were taught and encouraged to do. It’s good to stay mindful about whatever our own challenges about boundaries might be.

I’ve noticed that both young girls and boys all need help acquiring the language and confidence required of setting boundaries – although somewhere along the way some boys, as they grew to be men, seemed so much more at ease with challenging, boundary-related conversations at work – explaining why they deserve a raise, saying no to staying late that night, or declining an invitation to after-work drinks with the boss.

Are men less vulnerable to people-pleasing? I don’t think so – I’ll bet they feel it inside as much as women often do – but I encountered so many men in my former career who didn’t appear to spend a lot of time worrying about others’ reactions when they put their foot down about something. It looked like it was pretty natural to them. (Looked like being the operative phrase here, I think.)

Why boundary setting with our fellow humans can be challenging or even scary

Let’s look at what we imagine the consequences to be when we say “no” or “thanks for asking, but I have to decline” – or any other version.  Here are some of the things I was told when I surveyed a bunch of people about their worries:

• She’ll feel I let her down…and will think less of me

• He’ll think I can’t be relied on to pitch in

• He’ll think my leaving at 6pm to celebrate my partner’s birthday means my career isn’t important enough to me

• She won’t like me anymore

• Maybe I’ll get passed over for a promotion because I don’t say yes to every request

• My friend will think I don’t love her enough

• The friendship will suffer

• My friends know how reliable and helpful I am, so now I feel I can’t say no if one of them needs something from me

• I feel pressure to always say yes because others’ opinions about me matter so much

If your boundaries could use a brush up or reinforcement, or you want some ideas on things you can say, I’m here to help – with this Big List of Boundaries. See if some of them might be just right – whether for work, friendship, love or anything in between. (And in case you would like the list in a printable PDF, just click on the button at the end of this post to get it.)

Phrasing Work Boundaries

♥ I would be glad to help with that but need your help prioritizing what I’m doing now because I won’t be able to meet all my deadlines if I take on anything new. Could we look at my workload together?

♥ Thanks for thinking of me to take this on. Could you clarify the deadline? Given all my assignments right now, I think I’d have to delegate a few of my current projects. Could you help me figure that out?

♥ I wish I could help, but I have a commitment at 5:30pm that I can’t change. I do have extra time tomorrow – would that help?

♥ I want to let you know that I’m having to work every evening and weekend, just to keep up with all the deadlines. I’d like to see if there is some way we could problem-solve, and see if there are some adjustments that could be made…what are your thoughts?

♥ It’s important for all of us to be here on time so our meeting is productive. We need your input so I’d be grateful if you could be more punctual

♥ I’m not comfortable discussing my personal life at work

♥ It’s great you’re so enthusiastic in our meetings, and I just wanted to mention that when you interrupt, it’s frustrating

Phrasing Boundaries For Relationships & Connections

♥ I’m certain you didn’t mean to, but when you said/did X, it hurt my feelings and wanted to let you know so it doesn’t come between us

♥ I’m upset about our argument. I’d like to talk about it but I’m not quite ready. Could we talk tomorrow?

♥ I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve spent together, but our friendship isn’t a good fit for me now. I hope you’ll understand. And I wish you all the best

♥ Thank you for asking. It’s been a rough year, but I am doing better. (Then perhaps shift subjects)

♥ It would be great to talk about it some other time because the support would be so helpful. Are you free for a coffee next week?

♥ I appreciate your concern, that means a lot. It’s not something I can speak about right now

♥ If person persists in asking: As I said, I’m not able to talk about this now. Thanks for respecting that

♥ I’m sure you understand how difficult that subject is for me. I appreciate your caring, but it’s been a nice break to be so busy at work

♥ This has been a painful few months, and it’s still too hard to discuss. I appreciate you keeping a good thought for me

♥ You’re so kind to ask how I am. I need time to heal. Maybe at some point I’ll feel ok talking about it

♥ Lighthearted tease, with a smile: Well, that’s quite a question! Not everyone would go there, Susan!

♥ I just need some time alone right now

♥ I wish I was free to help with that, but I have to decline

♥ I’m not comfortable continuing this conversation right now

♥ I want to hear what you are saying, but your angry tone is making it hard for me to listen. Could we start over?

♥ When you made a joke about ________, it wasn’t funny to me

♥ You may not be aware that sometimes you tease me in a way that feels mocking and disrespectful. For example, when you said ________ it felt like a put-down

♥ I’d really appreciate it if we didn’t text or talk after 8pm as that’s when I’m unplugging

♥ I’m not comfortable sharing that information as I’m holding it in confidence

♥ I realize this may disappoint you, but I have to decline your invitation

♥ I’d love to help, but I’m already overextended

♥ I’m flattered that you asked me to be part of that project, however I’m not able to take that on right now

♥ It makes me uncomfortable when you speak unkindly about others

♥ Please don’t comment on my appearance/weight/lifestyle choices. It feels disrespectful and hurtful

♥ I know you really want me to do __________, but I’ve already said I couldn’t and it seems like you are pressuring me to change my mind

♥ I’m not comfortable with that level of intimacy. I’d like to take things slowly

♥ I’d be grateful if you could respect my privacy

♥ Thank you, but I can’t meet up at that time

♥ I’m sad about the way you are speaking to me. It feels terrible

♥ It’s going to be impossible for me to stay in this conversation if you keep shouting

♥ I’ve made my decision, and I’m ok with it. If I need any more input, I’ll be sure to ask

♥ I’m really sensitive about being touched or hugged unless someone asks first

♥ I was told that you said _________about me. Please don’t talk about me to others. It’s important to me that we can speak directly to each other if there’s a problem

♥ Sometimes you tell me things about others and I’d prefer that you didn’t

♥ Yes, it’s true I am open about my mental health, but it is my information to share, not yours. Please don’t do that again

♥ I don’t think anyone should apologize for being clear about having a particular boundary. Would you like to know more about why this boundary is important to me?

♥ When you said ___________, it invalidated my feelings and hurt me. My and your feelings are equally important.

♥ I care about our relationship and think being clear about our different needs will strengthen our connection

♥ Thank you for understanding as I express my needs

♥ I trust that you’ll understand and respect the boundaries I’m setting

♥ Our friendship is important to me and I don’t expect you to read my mind, which is why I am telling you what upset me

♥ Your feelings matter, and that’s why I’m being honest about my boundaries

♥ It’s important that we both feel safe and respected, so I’d like to talk to you about what happened yesterday

♥ Right now I have to prioritize my work, so let’s connect next month

♥ This isn’t a good time to talk, but thank you for calling. Is there a good time to call over the weekend?

♥ Talking about that won’t be helpful to me, thank you for understanding

♥ No, thank you

♥ Thanks for asking, but that isn’t possible for me

♥ I’ll have to give some thought to what you said

♥ I feel sad that you would say that

♥ I prefer to avoid political discussions as they often become argumentative. Let’s talk about something else

Depending on the situation, you may need to be firm or gentle, or a combination. I always lean towards giving people the benefit of the doubt – and not to assume my boundary was crossed from carelessness (or worse).

I believe we’re all trying our best.  Sometimes we cross lines because we didn’t know what the other person needed. Or we may reflect later, and realize we should have been more sensitive/respectful/kind in the way we said or did something.

A great response to someone who declares their boundary to us, or lets us know we’ve upset them, is to simply say: “Thank you for letting me know how that made you feel. I’m sorry, and I understand. I’ll be more aware in the future.” We’ve learned something, we make amends, and move on.

None of us are mind readers – we must listen deeply to others’ needs as well as our own. And – you guessed it – that means we have to speak up and unapologetically ask for what we need, and say how things make us feel.

We’re all in this together.

Love,

P.S. I just heard this on a podcast: “No” is a complete sentence. Clear, concise…but I like a little softness thrown in there when I’m told “no”  : )