Managing family, expectations, and boundaries.

(Part of The Holiday Stress Series)

Here we are again. The year has rolled around to that six-week period of time that can be tough even if we’re not depressed and anxious – but if we are, it can induce dread/avoidance/how-on-earth-will-I-get through-this feelings, with no apparent answers (beyond the irritating platitudes telling us to put on a brave face and after all, you only get to see your great Uncle Max once a year.) Not sure about you, but the stiff upper lip approach doesn’t work for many of us because it puts us in the position of denying our feelings and having to fake enjoyment. Ugh. Not so f-ing merry in my book!

There are better ways to deal with this season (not including pulling our covers over our heads), that help us come out not only intact, but without a worsening of depression or anxiety.

Here we go. Most of the stress and anxiety seems to center on three prominent aspects of the season: being with family, managing expectations, and putting boundaries into action. Let’s take a look at each and see if we can neutralize some of the anticipatory anxiety, to put ourselves back into a position of empowerment.

FAMILY

Parents want their kids (adult ones too) to be “happy”. Even if they know about and empathize with your mental health struggles, they likely expect you to get in the holiday spirit anyway. And they certainly expect you to show up to the party or family dinner or whatever.

Could this feel any more daunting if we’re depressed and anxious? The small talk, the what-are-you-doing-these-days questions, the remarks about your appearance or clothes, opinions on your new book that just came out? A comment like “you look so much better than the last time I saw you” is meant well from the speaker’s point of view because they think it’s a compliment, but the very unsubtle message is “you didn’t look good before.” Double ugh. Now shame has shown up too. (Check out the article “Taming Shame” on the home page of thrivingbravely.com; it has some nuggets in there that could help.)

WHAT ARE OUR OPTIONS?

♥ CHOOSE NOT TO ATTEND. Yes, this really is an option. If you feel the experience is too much for you right now, you can indeed politely decline (well in advance). You don’t need to make excuses. You could say something like: “I’m sure you will be disappointed, but I’m not able to make the trip this year. But I’d love to connect on that day – could we maybe have a brief Zoom call so I can say hello to everyone?” If they pepper you with their objections, worry, questions, etc., most of which can be answered with an empathic response “I can understand you feeling that way, however this is my decision and let’s find a time to meet for lunch after the holiday.”

♥ CHOOSE TO ATTEND, BRIEFLY. Tell your family in advance that you don’t feel up to being there (all day, or all evening), so you plan to arrive in time to help out but will need to leave at X time. And ask what you can bring, of course. Again, there may be protests and questions (because they will miss you), and again, you can validate their feelings and stay true to your needs at the same time.

♥ CHOOSE TO ATTEND, BUT STAY SOMEWHERE ELSE. If you can stay in a hotel nearby (whether you have to travel for the holiday or not) – this can be a wonderful happy medium because you can leave for a while and come back. And you could have a couple of relaxing evenings on your own. Just knowing you have your escape hatch nearby may make staying longer a bit easier.

About a decade ago, I decided to sit out Christmas with my family. I had never done this before. There was a lot of drama going on, and it coincided with a very low point in my own mood and I knew nothing good would come of attending. Yes, my parents were upset and worried, but after reassuring them I was okay, and that I just needed a respite from all the stress from my job, and a few quiet days on my own, they (somewhat grudgingly) let it go. After the phone call, I felt some dormant shame bubble up (very familiar; whenever I made a decision that didn’t fit with their opinion, I was “wrong”). Recognizing this outworn dynamic for what it was, I let it go. And baked a cake.

Let me tell you, it was one of the best Christmases ever. I cooked, I went to my favorite church, I had an afternoon bubble bath and spent the rest of the day on the sofa watching movies. Alone, but not: I had myself.

MANAGING YOUR EXPECTATIONS

♥ By this I mean working on not automatically deciding that X holiday event (family or otherwise) will be awful. When we’re depressed and anxious, we tend to expect the worst, then act from that projection into the future, instead of staying in the present and letting things unfold. We can be surprised when we find out “that wasn’t so bad after all – but I am glad I had my own hotel room.”

♥ Examine your reasons for going. Are you looking forward to seeing that really nice cousin you like? (Make sure you sit next to him at the table!) Is there a new baby in the family you haven’t met? Does the meal promise to be delicious? Would it feel like a big win in the bravery department to go, even if you really don’t want to? As you depart, would it feel good to you to have pushed through some anxiety to do this your way?

♥ When we’re depressed and anxious, we tend to assume everyone else is having a ball, they don’t have any problems, they’re all in great, happy relationships, etc., etc. Those things may be true for some people, some of the time, but in a gathering of thirty adults you can bet that at least three of them feel depressed. So no, the generalization that everyone is happy is false. And we’re not even including strained marriages, financial worry, or any other life challenges. NO ONE IS IMMUNE FROM STRUGGLE OF ONE KIND OR ANOTHER. It is safe to say that although many of them may be putting on that brave face, your fellow guests are all too human, and vulnerable, as well.

BOUNDARIES: Some things to try.

Boundaries are our best friends – always. And they are powerful allies you can call on when things get a little crazy at a family or other holiday function. I’ve listed very common statements of boundary-less people, and offered some boundary re-set statements you can use. And I’m sure you will come up with great ones of your own

(Keep in mind that boundaries are about being clear when ours are crossed, AND being clear about what we might want instead. For example, if a friend says something that feels hurtful, you might say: “I want to let you know why that hurt my feelings because I care so much about our friendship and know you do too.” In this case you set a boundary while increasing connection.)

Yes, it is different at a holiday or family party because people assume it’s ok to say anything (we’re family!) and seem to leave any concept of needing a filter at the door. In these contexts, you may not be looking for more connection, just a polite “stay in your lane” one.  Check out these examples with possible responses:

“That’s an interesting hairstyle…the 80s are calling, they want their hair back!” (This from your great Uncle Max who’s clearly on his 3rd eggnog).
You: “It’s great, isn’t it? I love it. Now tell me about how your car dealership is doing…”

“You seemed to have gained some weight, but I think you look fine.”
You: “Hmm. Not sure what to say to that except I only talk about my health with my doctor. I feel good. How have you been?” Or, more directly: You: “I’m sure you don’t mean to be offensive, so let’s just move on. How have you been?”

“When are you going to find some nice girlfriend?”
You: “You’ll be the first to know! I’m lucky to have such good friends.”

“I heard you’ve been depressed. Are you taking any medication?”
You: “I don’t discuss my health with anyone except my doctor.”

“You should cheer up – it’s Christmas!”
You: “Yes, it is Christmas, isn’t it. What’s been happening in your life?” (the side-step)

“Your mom told me you’re having a rough time. Can I help?”
You: “Thank you for asking, but I’m not comfortable talking here. Could we meet for a coffee sometime?”

Here are a few other boundary re-sets you can try:

• “That’s not a topic I can discuss right now.”
• “Talking about that won’t be helpful to me, thank you for understanding.”
• “No, thank you.”
• “Thanks for asking, but I just need some time on my own.”
• I’ll have to think about what you said.”
• I feel sad that you would say that.”
• “I avoid political discussions at a party as it seems to dampen the fun. Could we talk about something else?”

BOUNDARIES: Getting ahead of them being crossed.

The key here is to initiate the conversation with, say, your great Uncle Max. March right up to him and engage him in a discussion about anything you know that interests him.

If/when the conversation veers toward a poor boundary zone, shift it right back to him, or say “please excuse me, I have to refill my glass”, or “I’m just going to check on what’s happening in the kitchen.” This is not avoidance – it’s really just a polite, different way of moving on and choosing to feel comfortable.

We don’t need to hold our breath until January 2nd, wishing the time away. We can take ourselves by the hand and choose how, and for how long, we want to participate in this season. And we can definitely welcome the gift of loving ourselves – depression and anxiety be damned – so we can be there when we need to be, for those we love.

Click here to read the other articles in The Holiday Stress Series

I am now going to close with a Holiday/Christmas/New Year’s message, from my heart to yours.

We are all a bit of a mess. We are all strong. We can be both at the same time and still be our loving, loveable, cranky, sad, hopeful, generous selves. Just be you.

People who really see us and understand us, get there partly by our leading the way in making it okay to be messy, strong – and human.

With love for all the seasons to come.