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The Journey Continues: Taking Tiny on the Road.

The Journey Continues:
Taking Tiny on the Road.

Part Two of the Tiny is Mighty Series

Welcome back! In Part Two, we’re taking Tiny on the road to explore what interesting things can happen on our journey of all things small.

But first, a quick recap. In Part One, we embarked on a novel way of embracing our New Year, upending conventional views of it as the start of a race to bigness. Instead, we started by going very, very small because…it works. We saw how tiny starts can evolve into big results – but they don’t have to have that destination to be highly worthwhile. Tiny is an awesome little powerhouse all on its own.

And in Part One you might have set up your own tiny goal with the guidance of two questions: What does your heart tell you could be the most meaningful ways you’d like to feel and be in your New Year? And what three tiny things might you begin with?

Tiny starts have two things in common:
an idea and a decision.

So, now that we know Tiny is the key to any beginning, in this second installment of the Tiny is Mighty Series, we will explore implementation, do some problem solving around any obstacles that appear, learn about the concepts of Habit Stacking and the Ripple Effect, and how they can fuel our journey. We will also see how Tiny and mental health pair beautifully together.

On we go.

Getting around roadblocks

First, let’s check-in and see if we’ve encountered anything standing in the way of our tiny New Year start. Have unforeseen circumstances or illness made you hit pause? Is your tiny goal feeling either not-so-tiny, or perhaps it’s not as interesting to you as you hoped it might be? Are you frustrated that it’s “too tiny” and thus questioning its worthiness? Any or all of these can happen. Not to worry, I’m here to help. See if any of these suggestions might feel right to you:

- • If you hit pause due to external circumstance or illness: Repeat after me: “I am not behind.” I promise, you aren’t. This is your year, to start and live (and enjoy) your way. We are human, we live in bodies that sometimes stop working perfectly. Give yourself the gift of rest and recovery. Nobody’s going anywhere, you can start on your timing. (Email me at sarah@thrivingbravely.com and I will lovingly remind you that you are not behind.)

- • If your tiny goal is actually much bigger than you realized: break it down into pieces, like chapters or categories. List all the parts of the goal that you can think of until you find one (or more) things that you could start right now. Then, what next step would make sense, or be the most fun, or the fastest?

- • If your tiny goal is suddenly feeling less interesting, a couple of things might be happening.

- - - • One, even though it’s tiny, it has such big potential that it’s scaring the pants off you. As in “What me, achieve that? No way. That’s impossible.”

- - - • Ok. First, if your tiny goal is scaring you a little or a lot, that could be a great sign that you’ve chosen something that will get you out of your comfort zone. Being stretched is awesome and stimulating – however, if we take on too much, too fast and thus start avoiding taking any action, it might be time to rein things in a little. Just for now. How about picking one itty bitty piece to start? A phone call, write a page of notes about what you’d like to do, do fifteen minutes of research, tell a friend what you are setting out to do and ask for suggestions?
  - - If you wanted to drive from Los Angeles to New York, you’d map a route based on time, your interests, weather, good food, sights, etc. Do the same with your tiny goal: what is the first landmark or town you’ll reach on your journey? That’s all you need to think about right now. The first leg. Not the whole trip.

- - - • Second, maybe as you thought about it some more, your tiny goal is indeed not quite right for you. If it turns out it’s not so compelling after all, or doesn’t feel as relevant now – ditch it and pick another. (Your life is much too valuable to use it on things that don’t feel meaningful.)

- • If your sweet tiny goal now feels too tiny, as though it’s perhaps not challenging enough, or you in fact reached it already and want more challenge, then see what happens if you widen the scope. For example, if your tiny goal was to create a handmade collection of your poetry as gifts for friends and family, maybe your heart’s desire is to keep that tiny start, with a view of expanding it by starting to research how to find a book agent.

We bring our whole selves to everything we think about, care about, and do. And when we’re struggling with difficult feelings such as anxiety, sadness, depression, overwhelm – Tiny can help with those vulnerabilities too.

Tiny starts, habits & changes
support our mental health

In this section we’ll take a closer look at ways that Tiny can help us feel better. Remember how Tiny took on creating land where there was none before? Watch Tiny take on these common features of depression, anxiety (and really all mental health challenges):

Challenge: Feeling easily overwhelmed
Tiny connection: Take any task and break it into as many tiny pieces as necessary. For example: “I can’t face the stack of mail” becomes “I’ll open one piece of mail right now. The rest can wait.”

If, and only if, it will help, do a quick scan of each, separate them into two stacks. Label one stack DO THESE BY FRIDAY (or whatever day) and the other stack DO THESE BY X DATE or WHEN I WANT TO. This strategy can help loosen the grip of overwhelm by eliminating worry about what’s actually in the pile of mail.

Challenge: Feeling stuck in a negative feedback loop
Tiny connection: “I can’t/don’t want to X because I’m feeling stuck and am disappointed in myself” becomes “I will do this one small thing (throw out the recycling? Send one email or make one phone call?) And for heaven’s sake, show shame the door: “I do want to do X but it’s ok to have an off day. Instead I’m going to have lunch and give myself a break. And that will be my win today.” (Yes, that would be one hell of a tiny yet big win!)

Challenge: Depression makes it hard to reward myself. (Yes, depression and other conditions disrupt the brain’s reward pathways.)
Tiny connection: After any positive habit, action, decision – even if it’s making your bed or cleaning up the kitchen, activate your dopamine response by saying something nice to yourself (e.g., “Good for me, I finished that”).

Challenge: Feeling unmotivated
Tiny connection: One small action builds confidence. Want to get to the gym? Make it tiny, tiny, tiny: go to the gym but instead of working out take a sauna. You got there, right? Motivation can appear more easily when we give ourselves credit for simply showing up. (Plus, the sauna will coax your brain into viewing the gym as rewarding.)

Challenge: Routines are really difficult right now
Tiny connection: Pick one tiny thing to do after you’ve woken up and put your feet on the floor. Could it be a short statement starting with either “I’m looking forward to…” or “I did well yesterday when I….” Could it be a 30-second breathing exercise where you inhale calm, exhale worry?

Challenge: Feeling Burnout
Tiny connection: Burnout is not healed by doing more (that’s akin to whipping an exhausted horse; please don’t do that to yourself!). Burnout is healed by rest, engaging in something different, and tapping into feeling pleasure again.

Speaking of pleasure, last week I did an experiment in Tiny. Almost every day, for years, I’ve had a salad for lunch – some combination of greens, protein, maybe some beans…quick and easy. Healthy, too. But good gracious it got boring and I was hungry again an hour later. The antithesis of pleasurable! Last week I’d had enough. Just couldn’t do one more salad for lunch. I still wanted to have the greens, but I changed the timing and had the salad for breakfast. It includes two fried eggs cooked over-easy, making its own delicious, warm dressing. And then I went all out and had what I really wanted for lunch. A grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes and…wait for it…crispy bacon. What’s the big deal, some might ask.

Well, the big deal for me was two-fold: I gave myself the gift of looking forward to a delicious lunch AND felt fed. Nourished. That little bit of extra pleasure cascaded into feeling satisfied and re-connecting with the enjoyment of food. I had been in a food rut of unnecessary self-denial which included tolerating unnecessary hunger. (That it took me so long to make the connection that my hunger came from not eating enough is wildly comical, in hindsight! Read on for more on the obvious hiding in plain sight.)

Food is a necessity. It’s not just for survival, though. It’s meant to be relished and enjoyed. I know that this tiny shift I made, and the big result I experienced, also improved my stamina and focus on my writing projects. Who’d have thought a grilled cheese sandwich could have such power!?

I’m sharing this example with you because it was both tiny and transformative. And as I reflect on what made it transformative, I realize it is a perfect illustration of two key features of just about any change you’d like to make, whether it’s a behavior (a habit) or a mind-set (a pattern of thinking), or a feeling (an emotional state).

Habit Stacking + the Ripple Effect =
tiny and transformative

These two key components are Habit Stacking and the Ripple Effect. (Habit stacking is discussed at length in books by BJ Fogg and James Clear.) For our purposes, we will keep the focus on how these powerful concepts intersect with both Tiny and Mental Health.

Habit Stacking

Habit Stacking leverages our brain’s natural tendency to stick with the familiar, to follow our own well-established routines. Habit Stacking is just that: connecting a new habit or behavior to one we already do automatically.

Let’s say one of your routines is making coffee first thing in the morning. You might have “stacked” this with reading the news, or checking your email. But now you’ve decided instead you want to have your coffee while listening to some music, because the news and email are creating needless stress. So, you’ll set up a morning playlist for whatever effect you’d like – maybe energizing, maybe soothing, maybe meditative, and so on. Your cue is coffee, and as it brews, you stack on your new habit by hitting PLAY. Voilà!

Here’s another example. I wanted to change when I tidy my desk (until recently, I did that first thing in the morning while having coffee). But I wanted to do that routinely at the end of the day, having discovered that when I cleaned my desk at night, it gave me such a boost to return to it early in the morning and not have do one thing before doing what I really want: to write. I am a very early riser and I want to make the most of the couple of hours I have before other parts of my workday begin. So here’s the habit stack: At the end of my workday, right after the automatic, established routine I have of checking tomorrow’s schedule, I clean up. It takes 4-6 minutes. Then in the morning, I have my nice inviting, clear desk (and thus clear mind!) to do what I want, immediately.

This may seem like a mind-numbingly obvious (tiny) change to make, but it’s amazing how not-at-all-obvious our routines, automatic patterns and ways of doing things are. They live in the invisible world of our brains’ neural pathways which are so accustomed to the way we’ve usually done things, that automaticity takes over. We just don’t notice doing them anymore. Like a train going along the same tracks that were laid down years ago, no decision is necessary…just stay on the same tracks. With Habit Stacking, we are making use of this well-worn track to introduce a new habit that wants to go along for the ride. Thus, automatic, reflexive behaviors have an oft-overlooked value: they allow us to piggyback the new habit onto an established one.

This is much, much easier than starting from scratch, I assure you. And further, we can scale up this little habit stack by adding other habits or behaviors to the sequence. This makes change incremental (Tiny to the rescue, again!) and thus more sustainable.

Here’s the fast-track way
to create an effective Habit Stack:

A. Choose a habit you consistently have
B. Choose a new habit or behavior you want
C. Anchor B (new habit) to A (existing habit) by saying “After I (current habit), I will (new behavior/habit).”
D. Reinforce with repetition

Example from my breakfast/lunch habit:

A. I eat breakfast every morning.
B. I want to eat salad at breakfast because I want greens every day, and I need something different and more satisfying for lunch.
C. “After I have my coffee, I’ll prepare the salad, and eat it before starting work.”
D. I’ve done this everyday for two weeks (so far). I also discovered an unexpected reward: for unknown reasons I’m less uncomfortably hungry by the time lunch rolls around.

Three examples of mental health Habit Stacks

A: Current Habit	B: New Habit to Stack	C: Anchor New to Current
I set foot in the gym 3x a week and use the sauna	Spend 10 minutes on the elliptical	“After I get to the gym I’ll spend 10 minutes on the elliptical and then have a sauna.”
I write down all my worries so they’re out of my head	Add task of examining each worry and deciding how to manage it (or delete it!)	“After I make my list, next to each worry I’ll write down exactly what I would suggest to a friend.”
I’m working on staying in the present	Create a three-sentence prompt I will use when a future anxiety intrudes	“When I notice I’m not in the present, I’ll read my sentences out loud. I’ll keep one copy in my bedside drawer and the other on my desk.”

Note that D: Reinforce with repetition, is always the fourth step

A close cousin of Habit Stacking, the Ripple Effect metaphor describes how tiny actions, choices and decisions create chain reactions, spreading outward far beyond the point of origin, as when a pebble is thrown into a pond.

The Ripple Effect

The Ripple Effect is a non-linear concept of change, growth and empowerment; ripples don’t go in a straight line and neither do we. The Ripple Effect also emphasizes the interconnectedness of all aspects of ourselves. And how our own selves engage with and potentially help change the world around us.

A smile to a stranger passing us by could have a Ripple Effect; he might feel a boost from it and say something nice to the next person he encounters. One tiny instance of goodwill can build at an exponential rate.

Here are some more examples of the Ripple Effect in action – starting tiny yet radiating powerfully:

• Deciding to spend 15 minutes a day learning Mandarin (tiny) could lead to conversational fluency
• Research shows that when people start working out regularly, their diets often quickly improve because they’re drawn to food that fuels activity
• When we set a boundary with someone, it changes how they relate to us
• One act of kindness can create a domino effect
• When someone inspires me, I can’t wait to share it with others
• The Ripple Effect is cumulative: small changes add up over time
• We don’t need leaps to make progress, we need intentional steps
• Starting a conversation about transgender rights, or any value and belief, can lead to community and even national conversations

The Ripple Effect means that
no action is too small to matter.

Which means, without a doubt, that every tiny step we take, every load of soil, rock and cement that is added to the pile, every kindness to ourselves and others, every breath, every loving choice, every tiny beginning, every generosity, and every piece of love we’re offered – matters. More than ever.

Tiny is incredible. It can create land that never existed before (and construct massively heavy buildings to go on it). It can take you across the country. It can get you published. It can help you find your life partner. It can change your life.

And still, Tiny is just as amazing being its tiny self, without a destination in mind. Such as the sweet little white lilac I wrote about in The New Year Effect, which made me smile whenever I walked past it. Such as resting when we’re tired. Such as starting your day with a kind word to yourself. Such as watching my dog run at breathtaking speed at the park and then collapse into sleep. Such as having a salad for breakfast.

Keep your big heart focused on small and Tiny,
and all kinds of beautiful things will come into focus.

See you again soon for Part Three, where we will look closely at Resting and Refueling, to ensure that in whatever form you’ve invited Tiny into your life, it continues to enrich your New Year.

The Journey Begins: A Tiny Start for Your New Year

The Journey Begins:
A Tiny Start for Your New Year.

Part One of the Tiny is Mighty Series

Does anyone love New Year’s resolutions? Good for you if you do – I always felt set-up to fail by my way-too-massive goals that usually centered on being different, better, faster, more, less – basically working on something I had to stop doing – or at least something I had to do better. Way better. Exhausting and unnecessary! Many years of life later, I started taking a different approach and I’m much happier for it. (For more on dealing with New Year pressures, click here: The New Year Effect.)
So, if you are interested in embarking on an anti-resolution, pressure-free New Year, you’ve come to the right place. And I’m happy to show you how to begin.
To get there we are going to start by thinking very small and explore the power of tiny. We’ll also take a look at some examples of results that came from tiny starts, and you’ll find a couple of questions that can help you decide where you’d like to begin. At the end you’ll be able to download the questions as well as a list of 59 Tiny Seeds for Cultivating your New Year Goal – in case some added inspiration will be helpful : )

This guide will help you kick start your New Year
with a tiny goal, just for you.

First, take a moment or two and decide to explore your New Year as a joyful reminder that a) we’re here b) we have choices, and c) beautiful plans and deadlines often change. Because life does.
Don’t worry, a tiny goal can still be life-changing (if that’s what you want) – think changing a mind-set, or deciding to work on staying in the present. OR a tiny goal can be just that: very, very small. You’ll see how shortly.

Why tiny?

All things begin as tiny. All goals, buildings, nations, governments, relationships, work, love, writing, inventions – all of it – start with tiny little things and then more tiny little things get done and it starts to become a bigger thing.

Every single creation on earth has a tiny beginning.
Even a skyscraper, even a person, even a bridge,
even a vase, even a house,
even a poem.

I once watched workers in Hong Kong’s harbor begin reclaiming land from the water, so that new buildings could go up. I was enthralled by the process. That tiny start involved the first of a seemingly endless dumping of some mixture of heavy rock, soil, and cement into the water. It was weeks before the pile was visible at water level. This went on, the same tiny step times a million times a billion, for months. Five months later I was back in Hong Kong and saw the progress from my hotel window. Unbelievably, there was now a large peninsula. Actual land! Men in hard hats were walking on it. Heavy equipment was going back and forth. It seemed to me a miracle had occurred – and yet, the new peninsula simply had a tiny beginning. On repeat.
Here’s the key that I couldn’t wait to share with you when I was writing this:

Thinking small and tiny is the first step
in thinking big.

Focusing on tiny things to start our thriving bravely year does several things for us:
• By acknowledging tiny as essential, we can focus on that one tiny thing and side-step overwhelm along with self-defeating thoughts such as “oh my god, how-the-f— will I be able to write 200 pages” …and then go take a nap or binge that new show on Netflix (nothing wrong with either choice unless it keeps you from feeling refreshed and ready to begin).
• Beginning tiny makes any beginning doable. Way easier to write a sentence than a full page. Way easier to make a list of ten subjects for chapters than to write the chapter (oh, yes, we will get to the chapter but we’re going to start with a sentence first.) See? Tiny is a rockstar. Tiny is the chapter on its way to being born.
• It nudges us into momentum. (Remember Newton’s Law of Motion? An object in motion stays in motion). So, focusing on a tiny step will create more tiny steps and this momentum will build on its own energy.
Even the goal of having a completely clean and clear desk (a frequent tiny goal of mine) has a tiny start: I gather stray pencils and pens and they go in this darling cup:

Then I put books back where they belong. Then I gather into a stack the papers that I don’t need to do anything about right now (and get them out of my sight, into a pretty dark pink box they go).
Three tiny steps and less than two minutes later I have a tidy desk, on its way to being completely clean, and I can focus again.

Tiny is doable, purposeful, & often fun.
Tiny is badass.

Here are some real-life examples of people whose tiny beginnings led to big result
• Result: Marcus finished writing his book. Tiny start: Had an idea, wrote it down and all thoughts associated with his idea
• Result: I launched an online mental wellness business. Tiny start: Had an idea, thought of a name, wrote a brand statement
• Result: Susan was chosen to speak at a professional conference. Tiny start: Printed proposal requirements, jotted down a few ideas
• Result: Tabitha got fit and strong. Tiny start: Tried one free class
• Result: Charlie bought a house. Tiny start: Researched mortgages for first-time buyers, and for inspiration went to see some houses
• Result: Lucia read twelve books in six months. Tiny start: Made a list of books she had always wanted to read, picked one, then ordered it
• Result: Joshua found his life partner. Tiny start: Made a decision to stop dating emotionally unavailable people

Now, of course there can be a few or a thousand tiny steps
between the Start and the Result,
but without exception,
there can be no Result unless there is a Start.

This is precisely where some of my wishes, goals, and dreams got derailed – the sheer enormity of some of them activated the fear that they’d be impossible to achieve – because I lost sight of the first, tiny step. (It’s great to keep your big dream in view, so long as you get yourself back to tiny: what is one (tiny!) thing I could do today?
I made a huge shift over two decades ago when I decided to change careers. This required steps that a) were hard b) were expensive and c) took a while (years). But still, the start was absolutely tiny. I was living in Chicago and found out that Northwestern University had degree programs for grown-ups. I called the school. That’s it. That was the start.
I reached more milestones than ever when I switched to tiny beginnings. And the beauty of tiny is that it doesn’t have to be a milestone, huge achievement – it can be as small and beautiful as growing a sweet little herb garden. We are after hopes and wishes, contentment and joy, in whatever form they come, large or small.

“Little drops of water
make the mighty ocean.”
– Julia Carney

Here are two questions to help guide you in setting up your own tiny goal. See where they take you.
1. My heart tells me that during this coming year, these are the most meaningful ways I’d like to feel and be:
Some of the countless possibilities: Do I want to be challenged, nourished, stimulated, comforted, encouraged, satisfied, pushed, soothed? Do I want to feel more peaceful, more accepting, more calm? Or perhaps I want to learn something new, improve a relationship, clarify what kind of work I’d love to do, care for my mental or physical health? Do I want to create something brand new – a poem, a cookbook, a mini Zen garden? Do I want to nourish myself while being of service to others?

2. These are three tiny things I could start with:
Tiny really means tiny! As in: “Can I start right now? If not, what do I need first?”
Example 1: If my heart tells me that learning to live in the present moment is what I want and need, I can certainly start practicing right now by turning off my phone, dimming the lights, and using five minutes to focus on my breathing. Will this mean I’ve achieved living in the present consistently? No, but it gets me on my way! Example 2: If I want to read two books every month, I can start today by making a list of books and ordering one.
One tiny thing:
Another tiny thing:
And another tiny thing:

Around here we love small things, that despite their
smallness, can have mighty impact.

When I had the idea for Thriving Bravely (big), I started with my vision and a brand statement and created an organized binder (tiny).
Then I decided to make a commitment to keep going.

Tiny starts have two things in common:
an idea and a decision.

If you feel like it, jot down other thoughts you have about what the next tiny things might be. Little is a delightful, smart powerhouse.
Remember that beautiful plans and deadlines often change. Because life does. It’s ok. Change your mind, change your goal, change your deadlines…this is your New Year.
Would you like to hear about my tiny start this year? Here it is: My heart tells me I want to work on living in the present moment so I can absorb and appreciate what is right in front of me. My husband. My dogs. My health. My work. You. My writing. The love I’m offered. Three tiny things I can do right now to practice living in the present moment? One: Spend ten minutes focused on my breathing. As I breathe in, I inhale calm. As I breathe out, I exhale fear. Two: When a future worry intrudes, I will hear it but not engage. Three: When I need to re-ground myself, I will put my hand over my heart and count the beats.
Tiny yet mighty. I’m excited to see how it will unfold. And I wish you all the very best as you create the start of your year, your way.
Part Two in this Tiny is Mighty Series will go wider and deeper into the journey of small and ways to capitalize on momentum. Stay tuned, more to come : )

TO GET A PRINTABLE PDF OF THE QUESTIONS AND
“59 Tiny Seeds for Cultivating Your New Year”
CLICK HERE!
Boundaries – the Big List

Boundaries – the Big List.

Boundaries are our best friends – always.
I’m certain you already know why they are essential to having good, enriching relationships with ourselves and others. Boundaries are about clarity regarding who we are and what we stand for. They express our values, limits, and love. They keep us safe, emotionally and physically. They reduce anxiety: we know where we and others stand. They help us nurture ourselves and the ones we love.
Keep in mind that boundaries are about being clear when ours are crossed, AND being clear about what we might want instead. For example, if a friend says something that feels hurtful, you might say: “I want to let you know why that hurt my feelings because I care so much about our friendship and know you do too.” In this case you set a boundary while increasing connection.)
Healthy Boundaries Are:
• Clearly and kindly stated
• Helpful to each person in the relationship
• Based on love – for oneself and others
• Stated without starting with “I’m sorry” (implying that either you’re about to say something that will hurt, or that having a boundary is something we need to apologize for. We don’t.)
• Framed in a context of caring about the relationship
• Respectful
• Saying yes when we mean yes, and no when we mean no
Healthy Boundaries Are Not:
• Fences or walls, to keep people out of our hearts and minds
• Ways to avoid difficult conversations
• Based in fear (although they can feel protective)
• Harsh or unreasonable
• The same for everyone
• Punishment or retribution
• Something to apologize for
• Saying no because we’re annoyed with them about something else
• Saying yes and then resenting that we said yes
And boy are boundaries challenging to implement when we aren’t feeling so strong – which is when our self-esteem may feel a bit fragile, and our capacity to stand up for ourselves may be less accessible. One doesn’t have to feel depressed or anxious to struggle with boundaries.
I’m always impressed when I hear someone clearly and kindly say “no” to someone, because it reminds me of my long ago childhood fear: if I dared to say no or disagree (especially with an adult), it was an unspoken understanding that doing so was way out-of-bounds. Tack on the likelihood of criticism, and shame quickly went into action. So, speaking up did not come naturally to me; I had to learn.
It’s not that way for me now, thankfully, because of the work I’ve done to unlearn these false, harmful narratives that I grew up with. It’s interesting though, that those narratives can be reawakened still – and in a way I think that’s really great – because it reminds me when I’m helping others, like you, that setting and maintaining boundaries is not something most of us were taught and encouraged to do. It’s good to stay mindful about whatever our own challenges about boundaries might be.
I’ve noticed that both young girls and boys all need help acquiring the language and confidence required of setting boundaries – although somewhere along the way some boys, as they grew to be men, seemed so much more at ease with challenging, boundary-related conversations at work – explaining why they deserve a raise, saying no to staying late that night, or declining an invitation to after-work drinks with the boss.
Are men less vulnerable to people-pleasing? I don’t think so – I’ll bet they feel it inside as much as women often do – but I encountered so many men in my former career who didn’t appear to spend a lot of time worrying about others’ reactions when they put their foot down about something. It looked like it was pretty natural to them. (Looked like being the operative phrase here, I think.)
Why boundary setting with our fellow humans can be challenging or even scary
Let’s look at what we imagine the consequences to be when we say “no” or “thanks for asking, but I have to decline” – or any other version. Here are some of the things I was told when I surveyed a bunch of people about their worries:
• She’ll feel I let her down…and will think less of me
• He’ll think I can’t be relied on to pitch in
• He’ll think my leaving at 6pm to celebrate my partner’s birthday means my career isn’t important enough to me
• She won’t like me anymore
• Maybe I’ll get passed over for a promotion because I don’t say yes to every request
• My friend will think I don’t love her enough
• The friendship will suffer
• My friends know how reliable and helpful I am, so now I feel I can’t say no if one of them needs something from me
• I feel pressure to always say yes because others’ opinions about me matter so much
If your boundaries could use a brush up or reinforcement, or you want some ideas on things you can say, I’m here to help – with this Big List of Boundaries. See if some of them might be just right – whether for work, friendship, love or anything in between. (And in case you would like the list in a printable PDF, just click on the button at the end of this post to get it.)
Phrasing Work Boundaries
♥ I would be glad to help with that but need your help prioritizing what I’m doing now because I won’t be able to meet all my deadlines if I take on anything new. Could we look at my workload together?
♥ Thanks for thinking of me to take this on. Could you clarify the deadline? Given all my assignments right now, I think I’d have to delegate a few of my current projects. Could you help me figure that out?
♥ I wish I could help, but I have a commitment at 5:30pm that I can’t change. I do have extra time tomorrow – would that help?
♥ I want to let you know that I’m having to work every evening and weekend, just to keep up with all the deadlines. I’d like to see if there is some way we could problem-solve, and see if there are some adjustments that could be made…what are your thoughts?
♥ It’s important for all of us to be here on time so our meeting is productive. We need your input so I’d be grateful if you could be more punctual
♥ I’m not comfortable discussing my personal life at work
♥ It’s great you’re so enthusiastic in our meetings, and I just wanted to mention that when you interrupt, it’s frustrating
Phrasing Boundaries For Relationships & Connections
♥ I’m certain you didn’t mean to, but when you said/did X, it hurt my feelings and wanted to let you know so it doesn’t come between us
♥ I’m upset about our argument. I’d like to talk about it but I’m not quite ready. Could we talk tomorrow?
♥ I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve spent together, but our friendship isn’t a good fit for me now. I hope you’ll understand. And I wish you all the best
♥ Thank you for asking. It’s been a rough year, but I am doing better. (Then perhaps shift subjects)
♥ It would be great to talk about it some other time because the support would be so helpful. Are you free for a coffee next week?
♥ I appreciate your concern, that means a lot. It’s not something I can speak about right now
♥ If person persists in asking: As I said, I’m not able to talk about this now. Thanks for respecting that
♥ I’m sure you understand how difficult that subject is for me. I appreciate your caring, but it’s been a nice break to be so busy at work
♥ This has been a painful few months, and it’s still too hard to discuss. I appreciate you keeping a good thought for me
♥ You’re so kind to ask how I am. I need time to heal. Maybe at some point I’ll feel ok talking about it
♥ Lighthearted tease, with a smile: Well, that’s quite a question! Not everyone would go there, Susan!
♥ I just need some time alone right now
♥ I wish I was free to help with that, but I have to decline
♥ I’m not comfortable continuing this conversation right now
♥ I want to hear what you are saying, but your angry tone is making it hard for me to listen. Could we start over?
♥ When you made a joke about ________, it wasn’t funny to me
♥ You may not be aware that sometimes you tease me in a way that feels mocking and disrespectful. For example, when you said ________ it felt like a put-down
♥ I’d really appreciate it if we didn’t text or talk after 8pm as that’s when I’m unplugging
♥ I’m not comfortable sharing that information as I’m holding it in confidence
♥ I realize this may disappoint you, but I have to decline your invitation
♥ I’d love to help, but I’m already overextended
♥ I’m flattered that you asked me to be part of that project, however I’m not able to take that on right now
♥ It makes me uncomfortable when you speak unkindly about others
♥ Please don’t comment on my appearance/weight/lifestyle choices. It feels disrespectful and hurtful
♥ I know you really want me to do __________, but I’ve already said I couldn’t and it seems like you are pressuring me to change my mind
♥ I’m not comfortable with that level of intimacy. I’d like to take things slowly
♥ I’d be grateful if you could respect my privacy
♥ Thank you, but I can’t meet up at that time
♥ I’m sad about the way you are speaking to me. It feels terrible
♥ It’s going to be impossible for me to stay in this conversation if you keep shouting
♥ I’ve made my decision, and I’m ok with it. If I need any more input, I’ll be sure to ask
♥ I’m really sensitive about being touched or hugged unless someone asks first
♥ I was told that you said _________about me. Please don’t talk about me to others. It’s important to me that we can speak directly to each other if there’s a problem
♥ Sometimes you tell me things about others and I’d prefer that you didn’t
♥ Yes, it’s true I am open about my mental health, but it is my information to share, not yours. Please don’t do that again
♥ I don’t think anyone should apologize for being clear about having a particular boundary. Would you like to know more about why this boundary is important to me?
♥ When you said ___________, it invalidated my feelings and hurt me. My and your feelings are equally important.
♥ I care about our relationship and think being clear about our different needs will strengthen our connection
♥ Thank you for understanding as I express my needs
♥ I trust that you’ll understand and respect the boundaries I’m setting
♥ Our friendship is important to me and I don’t expect you to read my mind, which is why I am telling you what upset me
♥ Your feelings matter, and that’s why I’m being honest about my boundaries
♥ It’s important that we both feel safe and respected, so I’d like to talk to you about what happened yesterday
♥ Right now I have to prioritize my work, so let’s connect next month
♥ This isn’t a good time to talk, but thank you for calling. Is there a good time to call over the weekend?
♥ Talking about that won’t be helpful to me, thank you for understanding
♥ No, thank you
♥ Thanks for asking, but that isn’t possible for me
♥ I’ll have to give some thought to what you said
♥ I feel sad that you would say that
♥ I prefer to avoid political discussions as they often become argumentative. Let’s talk about something else
Depending on the situation, you may need to be firm or gentle, or a combination. I always lean towards giving people the benefit of the doubt – and not to assume my boundary was crossed from carelessness (or worse).
I believe we’re all trying our best. Sometimes we cross lines because we didn’t know what the other person needed. Or we may reflect later, and realize we should have been more sensitive/respectful/kind in the way we said or did something.
A great response to someone who declares their boundary to us, or lets us know we’ve upset them, is to simply say: “Thank you for letting me know how that made you feel. I’m sorry, and I understand. I’ll be more aware in the future.” We’ve learned something, we make amends, and move on.
None of us are mind readers – we must listen deeply to others’ needs as well as our own. And – you guessed it – that means we have to speak up and unapologetically ask for what we need, and say how things make us feel.
We’re all in this together.
Love,
P.S. I just heard this on a podcast: “No” is a complete sentence. Clear, concise…but I like a little softness thrown in there when I’m told “no” : )

TO GET A PRINTABLE PDF
OF THE LIST OF BOUNDARIES, CLICK HERE!
The New Year Effect

The New Year Effect.

Hello, and welcome back as we start the first month of this new year.
Two things often happen with me at this juncture, and I wonder if they happen to you, too. One, the build-up to the holidays can be any combination of rushed/stressed/anxious/get-me-out-of-here/fun/when can I sit down/great to see everyone/cool gifts given and received…and everything in between. In short, it’s a lot.
And two, the abrupt, sudden stop to the preparations – well, because the day finally arrived – sometimes left me feeling somewhat adrift and untethered in the days that followed – not sad, exactly, but with the New Year looming I always felt I had to get my act together, for real this year, because you know – hopes and dreams.
I’d like to share a brief anecdote with you because I have been thinking about my own new year, and that made me think of you. (If you noticed I used the word “looming” –that is what it felt like, sort of like the Sunday Scaries and you’ve got a project due tomorrow you haven’t even started. Yuck.) I think I now understand why I, and maybe you, have mixed feelings about the calendar turning over: it’s a fresh start (good) that can induce pressure (not so good) to be better, do better – and don’t forget to add in the things we should stop doing.
In my case, a particular context set the stage for these mixed feelings. In my family of origin, there was a certain tradition I never quite understood (and came to dislike). My father would put on a record (yup, an album) of Christmas carols, gorgeously sung by a highly professional German choir. Because the record was old, it had small scratches from the needle making its way around for at least a hundred Christmases, which became a familiar part of the experience. Ok, so far so good.
But here’s the thing: within ten to fifteen seconds of the music starting, everyone was crying. Usually someone would make a forlorn remark about time going by so fast, but mainly you had to be silent, weeping. It seemed to me one of the very few times I saw my parents express what had to be deep, though wordless, emotions. But this annual event was stubbornly central to the evening – it was just what we did. Every year, the build up to Christmas included the anticipation of sobbing. Good times!
I think for years, the Christmases of my youth, with their pathos and sorrow and the regrets and sadness swirling around the adults, had a dual effect of wearing me out and spurring me on not to be like them, not to dwell in regret and the past. The present couldn’t even get a seat at the table.
So, we come to what I call The New Year Effect: the pressure (self-imposed or otherwise), the habit and the wish to kick of a new year with bold, marvelous, lofty, important goals – so that – here’s the kicker – we can become “better” than what we are today, and fix the regrets of yesterday. The New Year Effect can induce feelings of shame. (Click here to read all about how to tame shame.)
Lest you start swearing at me or feel an urge to leave the site, I hasten to add that bold, marvelous, lofty goals are terrific. But, if we create them from a place of “I’m not good enough”, hoping and expecting that whatever transformation that occurs will make men or women flock to us, get us raises, help us lose twenty pounds and make us the thinnest person at that 25-year reunion in May (because then things will be great and I’ll finally feel really good about myself), we’ll be headed for trouble. Maybe you will get those things. But I have some doubts.
Achieving goals that have even a teeny bit of people-pleasing attached to them, or are driven by any “should”, or are accompanied by the expectation that they will make us feel different, better, happier, more liked – are very unlikely to be deeply satisfying in the long haul. Deeply satisfying, along the lines of “I can’t wait to go back to my project, it’s so hard and fun” or “It feels so good to be making new friends. I needed this.”
The typical way many of us think about New Year’s resolutions is inherently problematic: we tend to focus on what we need to stop doing (things we like) and start doing (things we don’t really like). It’s no wonder that by February those resolutions have weakened or disappeared altogether – and we feel worse about ourselves for it.
Let’s think about this new year differently. Let’s think about our hopes and dreams for the year and create them from a place of love and acceptance about who we are today. We are perfectly imperfect the way we are. And let’s give ourselves permission to stop working towards that goal if it no longer seems to fit or excite us.
Wanting to achieve anything – more fitness or health, more close friendships, starting a business, writing a book, repairing a relationship, learning a new skill – all need our most positive, excited self as the launching pad. Shame and its favorite partner guilt will sabotage our beautiful goals come February 1, when we may feel we’ve bitten off more than we can chew, or the steps to that goal start to feel overwhelming. Shame (which is not the core of you, it’s the carried part from the past) will find an opening to inflame self-doubt. And that’s a terribly deflating way to embark on your new year.
How about instead, come February 1, you lasso any discouragement or self-doubt, let it sit there, then spend some time reflecting about whether your goal just needs modifying, or a different timeline? Or perhaps you could get some help with it? Or, have you changed your mind and something else feels more important now, that you hadn’t thought of before? See Quitting is for Winners for some thoughts on the beauty of letting go of things.
My goal last year was to launch Thriving Bravely in July. Now I find that comically hysterical! It was lofty all right, but so unrealistic because I didn’t know at the time how much longer each step would take than I had planned. So, I fine-tuned how I was working, kept going, blew through a few deadlines, met others, and here we are. I loved every minute of it, and had I launched in July it wouldn’t be what it is today. It needed time and so did I.
Would you like some ideas about how to make your new year dreams come true? I thought so : )
Creating a solid foundation for success
• Find your “why”. Keep asking yourself “why is this important to me?” until you feel you’ve reached the core desire. Here’s a common example: “I want to lose 20 pounds.” Why? “I’d like to feel healthier and have my clothes fit better.” Why? “I’ll feel more confident.” Why? “Because it will help me feel stronger.” Why? “It will decrease my depression and build my self-esteem.” You get the idea. In this case, sounds like feeling less depressed and better about yourself is actually the goal; losing 20 pounds is one of the strategies.
• Get very clear on how achieving your resolution will improve your life, and be aware of any thoughts that surface about how you hope others will feel about your achievement. This is your year, not theirs.
• I love huge goals, but smaller ones are fantastic too, because they feel immediately rewarding and keep our energy up. For example: “This year I am determined to say something kind to myself, everyday. I’ll write it down.”
• At Thriving Bravely we look for small moments of joy. Could one goal be to slow down and notice the little things that inspire happiness, wonder, love? (I got a darling white lilac bulb in a tiny vase, and watching it blossom makes me smile every time I walk past it.)
• Revisit what you set out to do, often. Examine its ongoing importance to you, tweak your schedule to fit it in, or abandon it and choose something else if your interest has changed (that too is growth).
• Watch out for resolutions like “I’m not going to eat Cadbury’s mini-eggs this year.” If you feel less candy would be a good resolution, how about “I’m going to enjoy my Cadbury’s as a treat on the weekend.”
• Resolutions are destined for the garbage heap if they feel like deprivation or an endurance test. They are made to be enriching, not to spoil fun!
Here are some of my intentions this year: continue being my wholehearted self, laugh more at my quirks and flaws, and love my peeps and my animals as much as I possibly can.
Best wishes to you for the New Year.
The Holiday Stress Series

The Holiday Stress Series

Managing family, expectations, and boundaries.
The original article that kicked off the series, previously titled “Dealing with Holiday Stress.” Discusses the challenges of close contact with the people we no longer live with (even though we still love them), and how to navigate holiday events your way.
READ >

Loss doesn’t take a holiday.
Dealing with our feelings of loss, as well as others’ reactions to our feelings, can be especially difficult at this time of year.
READ >

Loneliness and belonging.
Loneliness is everywhere and although we are not alone in this, it can feel as though we are. Explore ways to increase your connections and sense of belonging.
READ >

Did someone just ask me that?
Good-hearted people can stumble when it comes to showing empathy, never mind allowing sadness, without withdrawing into their own discomfort. Here you’ll find lots of ways to address questions and comments you’re not ready to deal with, in a loving, firm, thriving bravely way.
READ >
The Holiday Stress Series

The Holiday Stress Series

Managing family, expectations, and boundaries.

The original article that kicked off the series, previously titled “Dealing with Holiday Stress.” Discusses the challenges of close contact with the people we no longer live with (even though we still love them), and how to navigate holiday events your way.

READ

Loss doesn’t take a holiday.

Dealing with our feelings of loss, as well as others’ reactions to our feelings, can be especially difficult at this time of year.

READ

Loneliness and belonging.

Loneliness is everywhere and although we are not alone in this, it can feel as though we are. Explore ways to increase your connections and sense of belonging.

READ

Did someone just ask me that? Handling awkward questions during the holidays.

Good-hearted people can stumble when it comes to showing empathy, never mind allowing sadness, without withdrawing into their own discomfort. Here you’ll find lots of ways to address questions and comments you’re not ready to deal with, in a loving, firm, thriving bravely way.

READ
Managing family, expectations, and boundaries.

Managing family, expectations, and boundaries.

(Part of The Holiday Stress Series)

Here we are again. The year has rolled around to that six-week period of time that can be tough even if we’re not depressed and anxious – but if we are, it can induce dread/avoidance/how-on-earth-will-I-get through-this feelings, with no apparent answers (beyond the irritating platitudes telling us to put on a brave face and after all, you only get to see your great Uncle Max once a year.) Not sure about you, but the stiff upper lip approach doesn’t work for many of us because it puts us in the position of denying our feelings and having to fake enjoyment. Ugh. Not so f-ing merry in my book!
There are better ways to deal with this season (not including pulling our covers over our heads), that help us come out not only intact, but without a worsening of depression or anxiety.
Here we go. Most of the stress and anxiety seems to center on three prominent aspects of the season: being with family, managing expectations, and putting boundaries into action. Let’s take a look at each and see if we can neutralize some of the anticipatory anxiety, to put ourselves back into a position of empowerment.
FAMILY
Parents want their kids (adult ones too) to be “happy”. Even if they know about and empathize with your mental health struggles, they likely expect you to get in the holiday spirit anyway. And they certainly expect you to show up to the party or family dinner or whatever.
Could this feel any more daunting if we’re depressed and anxious? The small talk, the what-are-you-doing-these-days questions, the remarks about your appearance or clothes, opinions on your new book that just came out? A comment like “you look so much better than the last time I saw you” is meant well from the speaker’s point of view because they think it’s a compliment, but the very unsubtle message is “you didn’t look good before.” Double ugh. Now shame has shown up too. (Check out the article “Taming Shame” on the home page of thrivingbravely.com; it has some nuggets in there that could help.)
WHAT ARE OUR OPTIONS?
♥ CHOOSE NOT TO ATTEND. Yes, this really is an option. If you feel the experience is too much for you right now, you can indeed politely decline (well in advance). You don’t need to make excuses. You could say something like: “I’m sure you will be disappointed, but I’m not able to make the trip this year. But I’d love to connect on that day – could we maybe have a brief Zoom call so I can say hello to everyone?” If they pepper you with their objections, worry, questions, etc., most of which can be answered with an empathic response “I can understand you feeling that way, however this is my decision and let’s find a time to meet for lunch after the holiday.”
♥ CHOOSE TO ATTEND, BRIEFLY. Tell your family in advance that you don’t feel up to being there (all day, or all evening), so you plan to arrive in time to help out but will need to leave at X time. And ask what you can bring, of course. Again, there may be protests and questions (because they will miss you), and again, you can validate their feelings and stay true to your needs at the same time.
♥ CHOOSE TO ATTEND, BUT STAY SOMEWHERE ELSE. If you can stay in a hotel nearby (whether you have to travel for the holiday or not) – this can be a wonderful happy medium because you can leave for a while and come back. And you could have a couple of relaxing evenings on your own. Just knowing you have your escape hatch nearby may make staying longer a bit easier.
About a decade ago, I decided to sit out Christmas with my family. I had never done this before. There was a lot of drama going on, and it coincided with a very low point in my own mood and I knew nothing good would come of attending. Yes, my parents were upset and worried, but after reassuring them I was okay, and that I just needed a respite from all the stress from my job, and a few quiet days on my own, they (somewhat grudgingly) let it go. After the phone call, I felt some dormant shame bubble up (very familiar; whenever I made a decision that didn’t fit with their opinion, I was “wrong”). Recognizing this outworn dynamic for what it was, I let it go. And baked a cake.
Let me tell you, it was one of the best Christmases ever. I cooked, I went to my favorite church, I had an afternoon bubble bath and spent the rest of the day on the sofa watching movies. Alone, but not: I had myself.
MANAGING YOUR EXPECTATIONS
♥ By this I mean working on not automatically deciding that X holiday event (family or otherwise) will be awful. When we’re depressed and anxious, we tend to expect the worst, then act from that projection into the future, instead of staying in the present and letting things unfold. We can be surprised when we find out “that wasn’t so bad after all – but I am glad I had my own hotel room.”
♥ Examine your reasons for going. Are you looking forward to seeing that really nice cousin you like? (Make sure you sit next to him at the table!) Is there a new baby in the family you haven’t met? Does the meal promise to be delicious? Would it feel like a big win in the bravery department to go, even if you really don’t want to? As you depart, would it feel good to you to have pushed through some anxiety to do this your way?
♥ When we’re depressed and anxious, we tend to assume everyone else is having a ball, they don’t have any problems, they’re all in great, happy relationships, etc., etc. Those things may be true for some people, some of the time, but in a gathering of thirty adults you can bet that at least three of them feel depressed. So no, the generalization that everyone is happy is false. And we’re not even including strained marriages, financial worry, or any other life challenges. NO ONE IS IMMUNE FROM STRUGGLE OF ONE KIND OR ANOTHER. It is safe to say that although many of them may be putting on that brave face, your fellow guests are all too human, and vulnerable, as well.
BOUNDARIES: Some things to try.
Boundaries are our best friends – always. And they are powerful allies you can call on when things get a little crazy at a family or other holiday function. I’ve listed very common statements of boundary-less people, and offered some boundary re-set statements you can use. And I’m sure you will come up with great ones of your own
(Keep in mind that boundaries are about being clear when ours are crossed, AND being clear about what we might want instead. For example, if a friend says something that feels hurtful, you might say: “I want to let you know why that hurt my feelings because I care so much about our friendship and know you do too.” In this case you set a boundary while increasing connection.)
Yes, it is different at a holiday or family party because people assume it’s ok to say anything (we’re family!) and seem to leave any concept of needing a filter at the door. In these contexts, you may not be looking for more connection, just a polite “stay in your lane” one. Check out these examples with possible responses:

“That’s an interesting hairstyle…the 80s are calling, they want their hair back!” (This from your great Uncle Max who’s clearly on his 3^rd eggnog).
You: “It’s great, isn’t it? I love it. Now tell me about how your car dealership is doing…”
“You seemed to have gained some weight, but I think you look fine.”
You: “Hmm. Not sure what to say to that except I only talk about my health with my doctor. I feel good. How have you been?” Or, more directly: You: “I’m sure you don’t mean to be offensive, so let’s just move on. How have you been?”
“When are you going to find some nice girlfriend?”
You: “You’ll be the first to know! I’m lucky to have such good friends.”
“I heard you’ve been depressed. Are you taking any medication?”
You: “I don’t discuss my health with anyone except my doctor.”
“You should cheer up – it’s Christmas!”
You: “Yes, it is Christmas, isn’t it. What’s been happening in your life?” (the side-step)
“Your mom told me you’re having a rough time. Can I help?”
You: “Thank you for asking, but I’m not comfortable talking here. Could we meet for a coffee sometime?”
Here are a few other boundary re-sets you can try:
• “That’s not a topic I can discuss right now.”
• “Talking about that won’t be helpful to me, thank you for understanding.”
• “No, thank you.”
• “Thanks for asking, but I just need some time on my own.”
• I’ll have to think about what you said.”
• I feel sad that you would say that.”
• “I avoid political discussions at a party as it seems to dampen the fun. Could we talk about something else?”
BOUNDARIES: Getting ahead of them being crossed.
The key here is to initiate the conversation with, say, your great Uncle Max. March right up to him and engage him in a discussion about anything you know that interests him.
If/when the conversation veers toward a poor boundary zone, shift it right back to him, or say “please excuse me, I have to refill my glass”, or “I’m just going to check on what’s happening in the kitchen.” This is not avoidance – it’s really just a polite, different way of moving on and choosing to feel comfortable.
We don’t need to hold our breath until January 2^nd, wishing the time away. We can take ourselves by the hand and choose how, and for how long, we want to participate in this season. And we can definitely welcome the gift of loving ourselves – depression and anxiety be damned – so we can be there when we need to be, for those we love.
Click here to read the other articles in The Holiday Stress Series
I am now going to close with a Holiday/Christmas/New Year’s message, from my heart to yours.
We are all a bit of a mess. We are all strong. We can be both at the same time and still be our loving, loveable, cranky, sad, hopeful, generous selves. Just be you.
People who really see us and understand us, get there partly by our leading the way in making it okay to be messy, strong – and human.
With love for all the seasons to come.
Loss doesn’t take a holiday.

Loss doesn’t take a holiday.

(Part of The Holiday Stress Series)

Let’s take a closer look at the immense impact that loss (and grief) has on us during the holiday season. Losses are profound at any time, but during the holidays their impact feels especially painful.
In addition, many of us find this season evocative and bittersweet: memories bubble to the surface, unspoken sadness makes an appearance, and as we get older, the holidays can become a marker, reminding us of the passage of time.
Because loss can be so very hard to think and talk about, I invite you to do so anyway – unspoken feelings about endings can make us feel even more isolated, more anxious, more alone. Acknowledging our feelings, and perhaps being able to let others know what we need in this season, can really help. A burden shared can become (a little) less heavy.
If you read the article Quitting is for Winners, you might remember my writing about the cultural pressure to continue doing something, no matter what, even when that thing no longer serves us, meets our needs, and even if it causes pain.
This idea of quitting relates to what we are talking about today: I propose we quit hiding our grief and sorrow, quit answering the “how are you” question with “I’m fine” (when we’re not fine at all), quit letting the holidays determine whether it’s ok to feel what we feel, and quit seeing others’ enjoyment of the season as an example of what we should be doing or feeling – as though joy at this time of year were mandatory. It’s not. Let yourself off the hook, please, if you aren’t feeling it.
Of course we must acknowledge the pain of losing people we love through death, and take care of ourselves as best as we can while we grieve. We must also remain aware that we may not know if someone is grieving, and to be mindful of not making assumptions. For instance, if you encounter a neighbor at a party and he has just laughed at a joke, this does not mean he is not in distress or deeply sad.
Let’s take a closer look at many of the kinds of losses we can encounter, which we might not typically think of as significant losses – let alone ones that can induce grief (which they most certainly can).
SOME LOSSES & ENDINGS THAT WE MAY GRIEVE
• Relationship breakup
• Divorce
• Loss of intimacy when relationship ends
• Friendship ends
• Best friend moves away
• You move away
• Layoff or unemployment
• Confidence or self-esteem took a hit
• Financial losses
• Friendships end/change after divorce or separation
• Your business closes
• Starting a new job where you don’t know anyone
• Betrayal by a close friend
• Unfulfilled hopes and dreams
• Selling family home
• Broken promises
• Feeling time has passed too quickly
• Sadness over decisions made
• Missing a previous time in your life
• Estrangement or disconnection from family
• Emptiness of home when kids leave
• Beloved pet dies
• Identity confusion when marriage ends
• Divorce’s impact on relationship and time with children
• Fear of future without spouse
• Deciding not to finish college
• Feeling lack of career fulfillment
• Chronic illness
• Dependence on others due to medical or mobility problems
• Achievement of life-long dream not what you expected
• Diagnosis of serious medical problem
• Trauma or violence led to no longer feeling safe and secure
• Being humiliated by someone
These are all very, very weighty losses if you are the one experiencing them. How upsetting/frightening/painful/devastating they feel only you can determine.
I’d like to urge you to not minimize any that may have happened to you, by comparing your grief to what you imagine someone else’s would be.
And please, please don’t put yourself in the terrible position of deciding that your loss is so much less than someone else’s. Even if you know someone whose loss has been catastrophic, it serves no one, especially you, to then decide your loss is not “terrible enough” to warrant significant distress – and yes, grief.
Loss, sadness and grief are measurable only by you.
And yours matters as much as anyone’s.
If you’d like to explore some specific phrases and responses that you can put into action at a holiday gathering, to relieve the pressure and anxiety that can be activated by others’ questions or comments, check out the article about what you can do. You can find it right here: Did someone just ask me that? Having some strategies for social situations can help us feel less vulnerable at this time of year, which can evoke vulnerability like few other seasons.
Losses and endings arrive in all of our lives, at some point. My wish for you is that this season not add pressure to what may already be a time of sorrow. Let people in if that helps, take time for yourself if that helps.
None of us are alone. When we are ready to lift our heads and look around, there will be people ready to take our hands.
Click here to read the other articles in The Holiday Stress Series
I am now going to close with a Holiday/Christmas/New Year’s message from my heart to yours.
We are all a bit of a mess. We are all strong. We can be both at the same time and still be our loving, loveable, cranky, sad, hopeful, generous selves. Just be you.
People who really see us and understand us, get there partly by our leading the way in making it okay to be messy, strong – and human.
With love for all the seasons to come.
Loneliness and belonging.

Loneliness and belonging.

(Part of The Holiday Stress Series)

We are wired, as humans, for meaningful relationships and bonds with others.
That loneliness is more prevalent now than at any other time in which it’s been studied, is alarming. (While the reasons for this are beyond our task here, it is important to acknowledge.) There are estimates that one out of two people in this country feel lonely: they are experiencing a distressing gap between the connections they have and the ones they want: perhaps the connections they do have may feel unsatisfactory, or they may seem absent all together.
It is small comfort, in this case, to realize that many of us are feeling the same way. But, you can bet that about half of the people you will encounter are also experiencing loneliness, which means we are definitely, absolutely not alone in this experience. It may help us to remember this about our fellow humans, because shared vulnerability, between ourselves and others, is strong connective tissue for meaningful friendships.
Because the holidays emphasize togetherness and spending time with friends and family, attending events or dinners might feel like an opportunity to feel less lonely, or depending on our current relationships, it could be a very bittersweet experience; we get a bit of relief from our loneliness, but it only goes part way to making us feel better.
Have you ever been in a room full of nice people and still felt lonely? Me too. There’s nothing wrong with those people, but maybe they aren’t the best fit for us – nice to chat with for an evening but they don’t seem to be “our” people. At least at first glance. I wonder what would happen if we asked the person we are seated next to for dinner, about this epidemic of loneliness, and inquired about their thoughts on it? We might end up in an interesting conversation!
I believe the greatest antidote to loneliness is belonging. Belonging is that feeling of “I’m with people who get me.” Feeling accepted, included, and valued – just for being who we are.
There are numerous ways to find belonging. Some people join other like-minded people in a cause, some start and join book clubs, or take cooking classes and find potential friendships that way. I think the starting point is reflecting on what we like to do, what we find interesting, inspiring, restful, stimulating, and fun. You might find it productive to start making a list of things you’ve always wanted to learn, or hobbies you used to love but fell by the wayside. These will all offer clues about where you might find your people. And, by the way, some of us enjoy the intimacy of just a few friends, others are more extroverted and prefer a larger social network.
Small things can also make a big difference. I work in a home office, so I no longer have the built-in social contact from being in an outside office setting. It does get lonely sometimes (thank goodness for my dog). But I have built in some minor shifts that have made a positive impact: I workout at a fitness studio where I’ve become a welcome community member. That feels good, and decreases lonely feelings – I tend to run into the same people, and we check in with each other about how we’re doing. I see friends for lunch periodically, too.
Here are some additional loneliness antidotes you might consider trying:
♥ Is there a good friend you haven’t seen for a long time but have often thought of calling? It’s a great time to reach out.
♥ Want to attend a book reading and signing? Go! You can also browse the store.
♥ Use Google to find an online community of people who share an interest of yours. If someone in that community lives near you, meet up with them in person.
♥ Consider adopting a pet.
♥ Look up some mindfulness techniques for staying in the present and reducing anxiety.
♥ Try the visualizations in the e-book 52 Weeks of Thriving Bravely (they are on Weeks 1, 14, 27, and 40); these can be helpful ways to give yourself a soothing pause, and space to reduce feelings of being overwhelmed, so you can return to the present with more clarity and peace.
♥ Experiment with some group fitness classes – yoga, pilates, martial arts, and barre studios are everywhere
♥ Perhaps group therapy would be helpful; your therapist or perhaps your doctor could recommend one.
♥ I know several people who volunteer during this season at women’s’ shelters, soup kitchens and other community services; they tell me it brings them pleasure to give their time, that they feel very appreciated, and that it’s a powerful reminder of both their generosity and their gratitude.
One final suggestion: give yourself permission to tell someone how you feel – it could be something like “It’s been rather a lonely year for me at times. I believe that’s true for many people. Do you ever feel that way?” This could lead to a warm, helpful conversation that develops connection over a shared vulnerability.
Oh, one more thing: do at least one nice, comforting thing for yourself – take a whole day if you like – to give yourself the gift of pleasure and calm. Doesn’t matter whether it’s take-out and a movie after a long hot shower, a reading marathon tucked in with Christmas cookies nearby, a walk on a snowy afternoon…whatever makes you feel good is the ticket.
You take care of you.
Click here to read the other articles in The Holiday Stress Series

I am now going to close with a Holiday/Christmas/New Year’s message from my heart to yours.
We are all a bit of a mess. We are all strong. We can be both at the same time and still be our loving, loveable, cranky, sad, hopeful, generous selves. Just be you.
People who really see us and understand us, get there partly by our leading the way in making it okay to be messy, strong – and human.
With love for all the seasons to come.
Did someone just ask me that?

Did someone just ask me that?

Handling awkward questions during the holidays.

(Part of The Holiday Stress Series)

I suppose technically, this is not a holiday-specific problem. But during this time of year, especially if you’ve gone through a loss – in addition to some possibly heavy doses of depression or anxiety – the most hardy among us would find it awkward, if not painful, to figure out how to respond to well-meaning people inquiring about our loss or other distressing circumstances. I’m here to help.
We certainly don’t want to shut people down for expressing concern and care; their question or comment could just be ill-timed – or you’re just not ready to talk more about it – with them or anyone. Particularly in a social, more public setting like a holiday party.
Quick side note: if you read Quitting is for Winners, you know how much I believe in quitting what doesn’t serve us. If you’d like to read it now, we’ll wait for you : )
In Loss doesn’t take a holiday, I suggested we quit some things this holiday season: hiding our grief and sorrow, answering the “how are you” question with “I’m fine” (when we’re not fine at all), letting the holidays determine whether it’s ok to feel what we feel, and seeing others’ enjoyment of the season as an example of what we should be doing or feeling – as though joy at this time of year were mandatory. It’s not.
So let’s figure out some specific, concrete phrases, answers, and questions of your own that you can put into action at any family or holiday gathering – so that you feel less vulnerable in this time of year – which can evoke vulnerability like few other seasons.
You might like to write down your top ten (or any number) of questions and comments you are dreading, that could be asked or said to you at a holiday event.
Your losses, perhaps some loneliness, are part of who you are today, and you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. We are going to find things you can say and do that will help you stay true to yourself AND maintain a boundary that feels emotionally safe.
I don’t encourage any of us to say “I’m fine” when we’re not. We look fine, we’re functioning very well – but we may be sad and vulnerable, and the effort to hide that from others is huge. Now, I’m not suggesting that I’m going to start sobbing over the crab dip, but I am going to remain true to my feelings and not hide or pretend.
Keep your top ten dreaded questions and remarks in mind as you explore this list of responses you could have. See if any (or a combination) of them might fit the bill. The dual goal is to be true to you and maintain whatever boundary keeps you feeling safe.
♥ Thank you for asking. It’s been a rough year, but I am doing better. How are you?
♥ It would be great to talk about it some other time because the support would be so helpful. Are you free for a coffee next week?
♥ I appreciate your concern, that means a lot. Let’s talk another time. Thank you for understanding.
♥ If person persists in asking: As I said, I’m not able to talk about this now. Will you excuse me? I’d just like to get a glass of water.
♥ Yes, it was a big loss for me, and I am doing a little better. How are things with your son in college?
♥ Oh, when will I date again? At some point I might, but I’m ok with taking all the time I need.
♥ I’m sure you understand how difficult that subject is for me. I appreciate your caring, but it’s been a nice break to talk about other things this evening.
♥ This has been a painful few months, and it’s still too hard to discuss. I appreciate you keeping a good thought for me.
♥ You’re so kind to ask how I am. I need lots of time to heal. Thanks for asking.
♥ I am very sad, and working through it. As you can imagine, this time of year can be hard. But I’m glad I came and thank you for inviting me.
♥ It’s so nice that you ask because many people avoid talking about losing my job. It’s tough but I will be fine. How are you doing at work?
♥ Lighthearted tease, with a smile: Well, that’s quite a question! Not everyone would go there, Susan! Excuse me for a second, ok?
♥ It’s been rather a lonely year for me at times. I believe that’s true for many people. Do you ever feel that way?
The key with any of these (and plenty of others you will think of), is to acknowledge the person without inviting further comment or discussion.
Acknowledge without inviting.
And by all means, leave the event when you need to. If that means you’re there twenty minutes or an hour, so be it. It was brave to go and it’s brave to leave when that’s best for you.
When we give ourselves permission to own our feelings, and respond to others with kindness and clarity about what we need, we are thriving bravely indeed.
Click here to read the other articles in The Holiday Stress Series
I am now going to close with a Holiday/Christmas/New Year’s message from my heart to yours.
We are all a bit of a mess. We are all strong. We can be both at the same time and still be our loving, loveable, cranky, sad, hopeful, generous selves. Just be you.
People who really see us and understand us, get there partly by our leading the way in making it okay to be messy, strong – and human.
With love for all the seasons to come.