Shame is an extraordinarily loaded feeling and reaction. I’ll bet it’s at the top of most peoples’ lists of feelings they loathe. It’s a close cousin to guilt, which I will explain.

We are not born feeling shame; it is an internal response to humiliation, judgment, and rejection by people we care about and love. Shame is a searing moment when terrible things are said or done to us, and standing there, red-faced, we wish more than anything that we could be swallowed up by the ground under our feet.  Shame is when we feel wholly inadequate as a person, exposed, broken, even – and worthy of the rejection itself.

Guilt, on the other hand, is a feeling we get when we have crossed a moral boundary of our own (or society’s). For example, if you took money off your parent’s dresser when you were young, you probably felt guilty. Anticipating guilt, from doing something we are thinking about, but know is wrong, can help us put the brakes on and thus steer clear of engaging in that behavior. For sure, guilt can occur when someone tells us we’ve hurt their feelings. So we apologize, own our transgression and move on.

However, if we have not addressed the core feelings that live inside us, from being shamed growing up, the shame can easily attach itself to instances where we feel guilt, making that normally transient emotion larger-than-life, all-consuming and leaving us feeling worthless and about one inch tall. If that. So, shame and guilt can be toxic companions.

Can the beast of shame be tamed? Yes! I can’t promise total eradication, because we can’t erase our early experiences of shame – but we can explore them, try our best to understand them, and work to recognize that feeling shame is not our fault and was not caused by us. Try to imagine an infant experiencing shame. Exactly.

So, to summarize: incidents of humiliation (or coercion and abuse) by a parent or other person whom we love, care for and depend on, create shameful feelings that lead to (a usually unconscious) belief that indeed, we are insufficient and deserving of devaluation. We often perpetuate the shame by judging ourselves harshly. This pattern can manifest in choosing relationships that mimic the behavior of the original shamer, not trusting our own feelings (further invalidation), and living with excruciating self-doubt and self-sabotage.

We’ve seen how shame and guilt can be cozy partners. Add depression and anxiety to that duo and we can end up in a full-blown crisis. I know, it sounds like taming shame is harder than you thought and it would be understandable if you are now wondering if the toxic mess shame generates can be stopped (or at least wrangled into submission). Yes, it can. And I am going to show you how.

I’ve purposely detailed my thoughts on shame to underscore how imperative it is that we get a handle on it. Tackling the problems of depression and anxiety are going to, at some point, unearth hidden (or maybe not so hidden) pockets of shame. That’s ok. More than ok. It’s a good thing. Because sunshine is the best disinfectant.

Ready to move on to some ways to bring shame out of the darkness, and give it the heave-ho? Let’s go.

EMPATHY

Empathy is the mother of all shame antidotes. Shame doesn’t stand a chance against it.  Empathy towards ourselves and others is the pathway to belonging and connection, which in turn become the way we heal. (Read anything by Brené Brown, PhD, MSW to go deeper into your understanding of shame).

• Show yourself some love. Spend some time, every day, feeling into a few things you love about yourself. There is just one you in the world, here to share your gifts and be the truest you possible. Here, I’ll go first. I love myself for my generosity with time, love and money. I love that I am resourceful and good at solving problems. I love my auburn, curly hair (finally! I was teased endlessly for it in middle school and back then wished I had pin-straight blonde). I love myself for my kind heart. Now you try. It’s not bragging. It’s owning who you are. It’s ok to not like some things about ourselves – as long as shame isn’t the driver and you work to frame it as perfectly acceptable to be imperfect. (I am working on this too.) The artist Salvador Dali wrote: “Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.” We’d do well to absorb this message of acceptance.

• Consider asking your partner or a close friend to tell you three things they love and admire about you. (Notice if your inner voice says “Really? They’re just being nice”; that’s a big molecule of shame trying to bust the party.)

• Find some mantras that work for you, write them down and say them, feel them, believe them. I know, this sounds a little woo woo, but stay with me here. It helps in challenging that old shame voice, coaxing it to into submission. A few of my go-to mantras are “When I stay connected to the core me, I am unstoppable” and “I love myself and therefore have more love to give”. Google self-love mantras and see what resonates.

• Who in your life has offered you empathy? What was it about their presence, words and behavior that felt empathic to you? (One of the most enduring memories I have of being shown empathy was my amazing 4^th Grade teacher Mrs. Stokes. I was riddled with anxiety and she saw it, gently embraced it, and soothed it with kind words, praise and patience.)

• How do you manifest empathy towards others? Who are these lucky people? What things trigger your empathic response? (By the way, the activation of our empathy towards others can offer interesting information about our own shame; we sometimes recognize in others what we needed but did not get).

TELL YOUR STORY. EXPLORE YOUR NARRATIVE OF SHAME. Shame feeds on secrecy and all variations of self-doubt such as “what will she think of me if I reveal how I feel?” Stuck in our heads and hearts, shame calls the shots – but, when we call it out by speaking about it, shame loses its grip. You can start by asking yourself some questions, such as:

• Who shamed me when I was young? What did they say or do (to me)?

• How do I remember reacting at that time?

• Who else in my family carries shame? How do I know this? Perhaps they are people-pleasing, overly solicitous, angry, unkind, narcissistic, lonely, depressed, entitled, very uncomfortable with feelings (tend to leave the room if a feeling is even mentioned), quick to judge others about appearance, their tastes – or anything at all?

• What do I know about family members’ histories? (Shame is often transferred through generations.)

These can be painful questions, leading to painful answers. No need to go it alone. I highly recommend engaging in therapy while exploring them, which will provide you with a safe relationship and additional perspective, especially if your shame is connected to trauma. (Perhaps the course A Thriving Life might be right for you; in it we do a deep dive into shame.) Click here to learn more

We need to accept ourselves as we are,
before we can become who we want to be.

You’ve got this.