The Holiday Stress Series

  • Managing family, expectations, and boundaries.

    Managing family, expectations, and boundaries.

    (Part of The Holiday Stress Series)

    Here we are again. The year has rolled around to that six-week period of time that can be tough even if we’re not depressed and anxious – but if we are, it can induce dread/avoidance/how-on-earth-will-I-get through-this feelings, with no apparent answers (beyond the irritating platitudes telling us to put on a brave face and after all, you only get to see your great Uncle Max once a year.) Not sure about you, but the stiff upper lip approach doesn’t work for many of us because it puts us in the position of denying our feelings and having to fake enjoyment. Ugh. Not so f-ing merry in my book!

    There are better ways to deal with this season (not including pulling our covers over our heads), that help us come out not only intact, but without a worsening of depression or anxiety.

    Here we go. Most of the stress and anxiety seems to center on three prominent aspects of the season: being with family, managing expectations, and putting boundaries into action. Let’s take a look at each and see if we can neutralize some of the anticipatory anxiety, to put ourselves back into a position of empowerment.

    FAMILY

    Parents want their kids (adult ones too) to be “happy”. Even if they know about and empathize with your mental health struggles, they likely expect you to get in the holiday spirit anyway. And they certainly expect you to show up to the party or family dinner or whatever.

    Could this feel any more daunting if we’re depressed and anxious? The small talk, the what-are-you-doing-these-days questions, the remarks about your appearance or clothes, opinions on your new book that just came out? A comment like “you look so much better than the last time I saw you” is meant well from the speaker’s point of view because they think it’s a compliment, but the very unsubtle message is “you didn’t look good before.” Double ugh. Now shame has shown up too. (Check out the article “Taming Shame” on the home page of thrivingbravely.com; it has some nuggets in there that could help.)

    WHAT ARE OUR OPTIONS?

    ♥ CHOOSE NOT TO ATTEND. Yes, this really is an option. If you feel the experience is too much for you right now, you can indeed politely decline (well in advance). You don’t need to make excuses. You could say something like: “I’m sure you will be disappointed, but I’m not able to make the trip this year. But I’d love to connect on that day – could we maybe have a brief Zoom call so I can say hello to everyone?” If they pepper you with their objections, worry, questions, etc., most of which can be answered with an empathic response “I can understand you feeling that way, however this is my decision and let’s find a time to meet for lunch after the holiday.”

    ♥ CHOOSE TO ATTEND, BRIEFLY. Tell your family in advance that you don’t feel up to being there (all day, or all evening), so you plan to arrive in time to help out but will need to leave at X time. And ask what you can bring, of course. Again, there may be protests and questions (because they will miss you), and again, you can validate their feelings and stay true to your needs at the same time.

    ♥ CHOOSE TO ATTEND, BUT STAY SOMEWHERE ELSE. If you can stay in a hotel nearby (whether you have to travel for the holiday or not) – this can be a wonderful happy medium because you can leave for a while and come back. And you could have a couple of relaxing evenings on your own. Just knowing you have your escape hatch nearby may make staying longer a bit easier.

    About a decade ago, I decided to sit out Christmas with my family. I had never done this before. There was a lot of drama going on, and it coincided with a very low point in my own mood and I knew nothing good would come of attending. Yes, my parents were upset and worried, but after reassuring them I was okay, and that I just needed a respite from all the stress from my job, and a few quiet days on my own, they (somewhat grudgingly) let it go. After the phone call, I felt some dormant shame bubble up (very familiar; whenever I made a decision that didn’t fit with their opinion, I was “wrong”). Recognizing this outworn dynamic for what it was, I let it go. And baked a cake.

    Let me tell you, it was one of the best Christmases ever. I cooked, I went to my favorite church, I had an afternoon bubble bath and spent the rest of the day on the sofa watching movies. Alone, but not: I had myself.

    MANAGING YOUR EXPECTATIONS

    ♥ By this I mean working on not automatically deciding that X holiday event (family or otherwise) will be awful. When we’re depressed and anxious, we tend to expect the worst, then act from that projection into the future, instead of staying in the present and letting things unfold. We can be surprised when we find out “that wasn’t so bad after all – but I am glad I had my own hotel room.”

    ♥ Examine your reasons for going. Are you looking forward to seeing that really nice cousin you like? (Make sure you sit next to him at the table!) Is there a new baby in the family you haven’t met? Does the meal promise to be delicious? Would it feel like a big win in the bravery department to go, even if you really don’t want to? As you depart, would it feel good to you to have pushed through some anxiety to do this your way?

    ♥ When we’re depressed and anxious, we tend to assume everyone else is having a ball, they don’t have any problems, they’re all in great, happy relationships, etc., etc. Those things may be true for some people, some of the time, but in a gathering of thirty adults you can bet that at least three of them feel depressed. So no, the generalization that everyone is happy is false. And we’re not even including strained marriages, financial worry, or any other life challenges. NO ONE IS IMMUNE FROM STRUGGLE OF ONE KIND OR ANOTHER. It is safe to say that although many of them may be putting on that brave face, your fellow guests are all too human, and vulnerable, as well.

    BOUNDARIES: Some things to try.

    Boundaries are our best friends – always. And they are powerful allies you can call on when things get a little crazy at a family or other holiday function. I’ve listed very common statements of boundary-less people, and offered some boundary re-set statements you can use. And I’m sure you will come up with great ones of your own

    (Keep in mind that boundaries are about being clear when ours are crossed, AND being clear about what we might want instead. For example, if a friend says something that feels hurtful, you might say: “I want to let you know why that hurt my feelings because I care so much about our friendship and know you do too.” In this case you set a boundary while increasing connection.)

    Yes, it is different at a holiday or family party because people assume it’s ok to say anything (we’re family!) and seem to leave any concept of needing a filter at the door. In these contexts, you may not be looking for more connection, just a polite “stay in your lane” one.  Check out these examples with possible responses:

    “That’s an interesting hairstyle…the 80s are calling, they want their hair back!” (This from your great Uncle Max who’s clearly on his 3rd eggnog).
    You: “It’s great, isn’t it? I love it. Now tell me about how your car dealership is doing…”

    “You seemed to have gained some weight, but I think you look fine.”
    You: “Hmm. Not sure what to say to that except I only talk about my health with my doctor. I feel good. How have you been?” Or, more directly: You: “I’m sure you don’t mean to be offensive, so let’s just move on. How have you been?”

    “When are you going to find some nice girlfriend?”
    You: “You’ll be the first to know! I’m lucky to have such good friends.”

    “I heard you’ve been depressed. Are you taking any medication?”
    You: “I don’t discuss my health with anyone except my doctor.”

    “You should cheer up – it’s Christmas!”
    You: “Yes, it is Christmas, isn’t it. What’s been happening in your life?” (the side-step)

    “Your mom told me you’re having a rough time. Can I help?”
    You: “Thank you for asking, but I’m not comfortable talking here. Could we meet for a coffee sometime?”

    Here are a few other boundary re-sets you can try:

    • “That’s not a topic I can discuss right now.”
    • “Talking about that won’t be helpful to me, thank you for understanding.”
    • “No, thank you.”
    • “Thanks for asking, but I just need some time on my own.”
    • I’ll have to think about what you said.”
    • I feel sad that you would say that.”
    • “I avoid political discussions at a party as it seems to dampen the fun. Could we talk about something else?”

    BOUNDARIES: Getting ahead of them being crossed.

    The key here is to initiate the conversation with, say, your great Uncle Max. March right up to him and engage him in a discussion about anything you know that interests him.

    If/when the conversation veers toward a poor boundary zone, shift it right back to him, or say “please excuse me, I have to refill my glass”, or “I’m just going to check on what’s happening in the kitchen.” This is not avoidance – it’s really just a polite, different way of moving on and choosing to feel comfortable.

    We don’t need to hold our breath until January 2nd, wishing the time away. We can take ourselves by the hand and choose how, and for how long, we want to participate in this season. And we can definitely welcome the gift of loving ourselves – depression and anxiety be damned – so we can be there when we need to be, for those we love.

    Click here to read the other articles in The Holiday Stress Series

    I am now going to close with a Holiday/Christmas/New Year’s message, from my heart to yours.

    We are all a bit of a mess. We are all strong. We can be both at the same time and still be our loving, loveable, cranky, sad, hopeful, generous selves. Just be you.

    People who really see us and understand us, get there partly by our leading the way in making it okay to be messy, strong – and human.

    With love for all the seasons to come.

  • Loss doesn’t take a holiday.

    Loss doesn’t take a holiday.

    (Part of The Holiday Stress Series)

    Let’s take a closer look at the immense impact that loss (and grief) has on us during the holiday season. Losses are profound at any time, but during the holidays their impact feels especially painful.

    In addition, many of us find this season evocative and bittersweet: memories bubble to the surface, unspoken sadness makes an appearance, and as we get older, the holidays can become a marker, reminding us of the passage of time.

    Because loss can be so very hard to think and talk about, I invite you to do so anyway – unspoken feelings about endings can make us feel even more isolated, more anxious, more alone. Acknowledging our feelings, and perhaps being able to let others know what we need in this season, can really help. A burden shared can become (a little) less heavy.

    If you read the article Quitting is for Winners, you might remember my writing about the cultural pressure to continue doing something, no matter what, even when that thing no longer serves us, meets our needs, and even if it causes pain.

    This idea of quitting relates to what we are talking about today: I propose we quit hiding our grief and sorrow, quit answering the “how are you” question with “I’m fine” (when we’re not fine at all), quit letting the holidays determine whether it’s ok to feel what we feel, and quit seeing others’ enjoyment of the season as an example of what we should be doing or feeling – as though joy at this time of year were mandatory. It’s not. Let yourself off the hook, please, if you aren’t feeling it.

    Of course we must acknowledge the pain of losing people we love through death, and take care of ourselves as best as we can while we grieve. We must also remain aware that we may not know if someone is grieving, and to be mindful of not making assumptions. For instance, if you encounter a neighbor at a party and he has just laughed at a joke, this does not mean he is not in distress or deeply sad.

    Let’s take a closer look at many of the kinds of losses we can encounter, which we might not typically think of as significant losses – let alone ones that can induce grief (which they most certainly can).

    SOME LOSSES & ENDINGS THAT WE MAY GRIEVE

    • Relationship breakup
    • Divorce
    • Loss of intimacy when relationship ends
    • Friendship ends
    • Best friend moves away
    • You move away
    • Layoff or unemployment
    • Confidence or self-esteem took a hit
    • Financial losses
    • Friendships end/change after divorce or separation
    • Your business closes
    • Starting a new job where you don’t know anyone
    • Betrayal by a close friend
    • Unfulfilled hopes and dreams
    • Selling family home
    • Broken promises
    • Feeling time has passed too quickly
    • Sadness over decisions made
    • Missing a previous time in your life
    • Estrangement or disconnection from family
    • Emptiness of home when kids leave
    • Beloved pet dies
    • Identity confusion when marriage ends
    • Divorce’s impact on relationship and time with children
    • Fear of future without spouse
    • Deciding not to finish college
    • Feeling lack of career fulfillment
    • Chronic illness
    • Dependence on others due to medical or mobility problems
    • Achievement of life-long dream not what you expected
    • Diagnosis of serious medical problem
    • Trauma or violence led to no longer feeling safe and secure
    • Being humiliated by someone

    These are all very, very weighty losses if you are the one experiencing them. How upsetting/frightening/painful/devastating they feel only you can determine.

    I’d like to urge you to not minimize any that may have happened to you, by comparing your grief to what you imagine someone else’s would be.

    And please, please don’t put yourself in the terrible position of deciding that your loss is so much less than someone else’s. Even if you know someone whose loss has been catastrophic, it serves no one, especially you, to then decide your loss is not “terrible enough” to warrant significant distress – and yes, grief.

    Loss, sadness and grief are measurable only by you.
    And yours matters as much as anyone’s.

    If you’d like to explore some specific phrases and responses that you can put into action at a holiday gathering, to relieve the pressure and anxiety that can be activated by others’ questions or comments, check out the article about what you can do. You can find it right here: Did someone just ask me that? Having some strategies for social situations can help us feel less vulnerable at this time of year, which can evoke vulnerability like few other seasons.

    Losses and endings arrive in all of our lives, at some point. My wish for you is that this season not add pressure to what may already be a time of sorrow. Let people in if that helps, take time for yourself if that helps.

    None of us are alone. When we are ready to lift our heads and look around, there will be people ready to take our hands.

    Click here to read the other articles in The Holiday Stress Series

    I am now going to close with a Holiday/Christmas/New Year’s message from my heart to yours.

    We are all a bit of a mess. We are all strong. We can be both at the same time and still be our loving, loveable, cranky, sad, hopeful, generous selves. Just be you.

    People who really see us and understand us, get there partly by our leading the way in making it okay to be messy, strong – and human.

    With love for all the seasons to come.

  • Loneliness and belonging.

    Loneliness and belonging.

    (Part of The Holiday Stress Series)

    We are wired, as humans, for meaningful relationships and bonds with others.

    That loneliness is more prevalent now than at any other time in which it’s been studied, is alarming. (While the reasons for this are beyond our task here, it is important to acknowledge.) There are estimates that one out of two people in this country feel lonely: they are experiencing a distressing gap between the connections they have and the ones they want: perhaps the connections they do have may feel unsatisfactory, or they may seem absent all together.

    It is small comfort, in this case, to realize that many of us are feeling the same way. But, you can bet that about half of the people you will encounter are also experiencing loneliness, which means we are definitely, absolutely not alone in this experience. It may help us to remember this about our fellow humans, because shared vulnerability, between ourselves and others, is strong connective tissue for meaningful friendships.

    Because the holidays emphasize togetherness and spending time with friends and family, attending events or dinners might feel like an opportunity to feel less lonely, or depending on our current relationships, it could be a very bittersweet experience; we get a bit of relief from our loneliness, but it only goes part way to making us feel better.

    Have you ever been in a room full of nice people and still felt lonely? Me too. There’s nothing wrong with those people, but maybe they aren’t the best fit for us – nice to chat with for an evening but they don’t seem to be “our” people. At least at first glance. I wonder what would happen if we asked the person we are seated next to for dinner, about this epidemic of loneliness, and inquired about their thoughts on it? We might end up in an interesting conversation!

    I believe the greatest antidote to loneliness is belonging. Belonging is that feeling of “I’m with people who get me.” Feeling accepted, included, and valued – just for being who we are.

    There are numerous ways to find belonging. Some people join other like-minded people in a cause, some start and join book clubs, or take cooking classes and find potential friendships that way. I think the starting point is reflecting on what we like to do, what we find interesting, inspiring, restful, stimulating, and fun. You might find it productive to start making a list of things you’ve always wanted to learn, or hobbies you used to love but fell by the wayside. These will all offer clues about where you might find your people. And, by the way, some of us enjoy the intimacy of just a few friends, others are more extroverted and prefer a larger social network.

    Small things can also make a big difference. I work in a home office, so I no longer have the built-in social contact from being in an outside office setting. It does get lonely sometimes (thank goodness for my dog). But I have built in some minor shifts that have made a positive impact: I workout at a fitness studio where I’ve become a welcome community member. That feels good, and decreases lonely feelings – I tend to run into the same people, and we check in with each other about how we’re doing. I see friends for lunch periodically, too.

    Here are some additional loneliness antidotes you might consider trying:

    ♥ Is there a good friend you haven’t seen for a long time but have often thought of calling? It’s a great time to reach out.

    ♥ Want to attend a book reading and signing? Go! You can also browse the store.

    ♥ Use Google to find an online community of people who share an interest of yours. If someone in that community lives near you, meet up with them in person.

    ♥ Consider adopting a pet.

    ♥ Look up some mindfulness techniques for staying in the present and reducing anxiety.

    ♥ Try the visualizations in the e-book 52 Weeks of Thriving Bravely (they are on Weeks 1, 14, 27, and 40); these can be helpful ways to give yourself a soothing pause, and space to reduce feelings of being overwhelmed, so you can return to the present with more clarity and peace.

    ♥ Experiment with some group fitness classes – yoga, pilates, martial arts, and barre studios are everywhere

    ♥ Perhaps group therapy would be helpful; your therapist or perhaps your doctor could recommend one.

    ♥ I know several people who volunteer during this season at women’s’ shelters, soup kitchens and other community services; they tell me it brings them pleasure to give their time, that they feel very appreciated, and that it’s a powerful reminder of both their generosity and their gratitude.

    One final suggestion: give yourself permission to tell someone how you feel – it could be something like “It’s been rather a lonely year for me at times. I believe that’s true for many people. Do you ever feel that way?” This could lead to a warm, helpful conversation that develops connection over a shared vulnerability.

    Oh, one more thing: do at least one nice, comforting thing for yourself – take a whole day if you like – to give yourself the gift of pleasure and calm. Doesn’t matter whether it’s take-out and a movie after a long hot shower, a reading marathon tucked in with Christmas cookies nearby, a walk on a snowy afternoon…whatever makes you feel good is the ticket.

    You take care of you.

    Click here to read the other articles in The Holiday Stress Series

     

    I am now going to close with a Holiday/Christmas/New Year’s message from my heart to yours.

    We are all a bit of a mess. We are all strong. We can be both at the same time and still be our loving, loveable, cranky, sad, hopeful, generous selves. Just be you.

    People who really see us and understand us, get there partly by our leading the way in making it okay to be messy, strong – and human.

    With love for all the seasons to come.

  • Did someone just ask me that?

    Did someone just ask me that?

    Handling awkward questions during the holidays.

    (Part of The Holiday Stress Series)

    I suppose technically, this is not a holiday-specific problem. But during this time of year, especially if you’ve gone through a loss – in addition to some possibly heavy doses of depression or anxiety – the most hardy among us would find it awkward, if not painful, to figure out how to respond to well-meaning people inquiring about our loss or other distressing circumstances. I’m here to help.

    We certainly don’t want to shut people down for expressing concern and care; their question or comment could just be ill-timed – or you’re just not ready to talk more about it – with them or anyone. Particularly in a social, more public setting like a holiday party.

    Quick side note: if you read Quitting is for Winners, you know how much I believe in quitting what doesn’t serve us. If you’d like to read it now, we’ll wait for you : )

    In Loss doesn’t take a holiday, I suggested we quit some things this holiday season: hiding our grief and sorrow, answering the “how are you” question with “I’m fine” (when we’re not fine at all), letting the holidays determine whether it’s ok to feel what we feel, and seeing others’ enjoyment of the season as an example of what we should be doing or feeling – as though joy at this time of year were mandatory. It’s not.

    So let’s figure out some specific, concrete phrases, answers, and questions of your own that you can put into action at any family or holiday gathering – so that you feel less vulnerable in this time of year – which can evoke vulnerability like few other seasons.

    You might like to write down your top ten (or any number) of questions and comments you are dreading, that could be asked or said to you at a holiday event.

    Your losses, perhaps some loneliness, are part of who you are today, and you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. We are going to find things you can say and do that will help you stay true to yourself AND maintain a boundary that feels emotionally safe.

    I don’t encourage any of us to say “I’m fine” when we’re not. We look fine, we’re functioning very well – but we may be sad and vulnerable, and the effort to hide that from others is huge. Now, I’m not suggesting that I’m going to start sobbing over the crab dip, but I am going to remain true to my feelings and not hide or pretend.

    Keep your top ten dreaded questions and remarks in mind as you explore this list of responses you could have. See if any (or a combination) of them might fit the bill. The dual goal is to be true to you and maintain whatever boundary keeps you feeling safe.

    ♥ Thank you for asking. It’s been a rough year, but I am doing better. How are you?

    ♥ It would be great to talk about it some other time because the support would be so helpful. Are you free for a coffee next week?

    ♥ I appreciate your concern, that means a lot. Let’s talk another time. Thank you for understanding.

    ♥ If person persists in asking: As I said, I’m not able to talk about this now. Will you excuse me? I’d just like to get a glass of water.

    ♥ Yes, it was a big loss for me, and I am doing a little better. How are things with your son in college?

    ♥ Oh, when will I date again? At some point I might, but I’m ok with taking all the time I need.

    ♥ I’m sure you understand how difficult that subject is for me. I appreciate your caring, but it’s been a nice break to talk about other things this evening.

    ♥ This has been a painful few months, and it’s still too hard to discuss. I appreciate you keeping a good thought for me.

    ♥ You’re so kind to ask how I am. I need lots of time to heal. Thanks for asking.

    ♥ I am very sad, and working through it. As you can imagine, this time of year can be hard. But I’m glad I came and thank you for inviting me.

    ♥ It’s so nice that you ask because many people avoid talking about losing my job. It’s tough but I will be fine. How are you doing at work?

    ♥ Lighthearted tease, with a smile: Well, that’s quite a question! Not everyone would go there, Susan! Excuse me for a second, ok?

    ♥ It’s been rather a lonely year for me at times. I believe that’s true for many people. Do you ever feel that way?

    The key with any of these (and plenty of others you will think of), is to acknowledge the person without inviting further comment or discussion.

    Acknowledge without inviting.

    And by all means, leave the event when you need to. If that means you’re there twenty minutes or an hour, so be it. It was brave to go and it’s brave to leave when that’s best for you.

    When we give ourselves permission to own our feelings, and respond to others with kindness and clarity about what we need, we are thriving bravely indeed.

    Click here to read the other articles in The Holiday Stress Series

    I am now going to close with a Holiday/Christmas/New Year’s message from my heart to yours.

    We are all a bit of a mess. We are all strong. We can be both at the same time and still be our loving, loveable, cranky, sad, hopeful, generous selves. Just be you.

    People who really see us and understand us, get there partly by our leading the way in making it okay to be messy, strong – and human.

    With love for all the seasons to come.