The idea for this article came to me as I caught my inner critic surfacing; I was trying to meet a deadline and the writing was not coming as easily as it often (thankfully) does. My ever-so-helpful critic said “Hmmm….seems to me you’re not going to make that deadline – perhaps you shouldn’t have watched that show you love last night. Maybe you’d be done by now.” Seriously? That stung, but I took a deep breath and told it (silently): “You’re not the boss of me. I am quitting listening to your nonsense.” I got a cup of tea, and on my way back from the kitchen realized how powerful quitting is – and how necessary. (We’d never let a friend speak to us the way we sometimes speak to ourselves, right?)

But quitting flies in the face of our culture, where perseverance and finishing (usually in first place) are paramount, no matter what: “no pain, no gain” and “you must get to the peak of that mountain even if your feet are bleeding and you’re running out of oxygen”. (Really? Do I?) If you ask someone why winning, achieving, blasting through pain is so important, they say “Well, it just is. It’s what winners do. Good things don’t come easily, you know.” Oh boy. 

Let me make myself super clear on one thing: I believe in hard work and enjoy the process. I love being stretched and challenged, physically, intellectually, and emotionally. I accept that growth can be (very) hard. But I do not believe pain and suffering must be present. In an apparent contradiction, pain could be like that guy on the roadside with a flag, there to slow cars down. Pain might be a great partner in letting us know enough is enough. And good enough is good enough.

I have called it quits on many things and at times struggled to do so:

• I quit my first marriage (with kindness) because what was broken couldn’t be fixed

• I quit beating myself up for not being one of the “cool” girls in high school. I loved school and learning. That was me.

• I quit a job I hated after six weeks; the people were mean and I couldn’t stand one more minute

• I quit laughing at my father’s trying-to-be-funny-but-meant-as-a-criticism remarks. Not funny. Told him it hurt my feelings.

• I quit comparing myself to others (sometimes still working on that one)

• I quit allowing shame to take over when I realized the other person’s poor behavior was not mine to own.

So…what does being a winner by quitting have to do with mental health? Glad you asked! 

When we quit believing, saying, doing things (and being with people) that make us feel bad about ourselves, we are depriving depression and anxiety of some of the fuel they run on. One of the sneakiest ways win-at-all-costs shows up is when we have made what someone else thinks of us more important than what we think about ourselves.

Of course, if a friend or colleague has helpful feedback and kindly points out something we do that bothers them, we need to listen. And then stop doing whatever it is. But this can be integrated into your budding self-worth by accepting that needing to change something is not an indication of some flaw – it just means you’re human.

Winning-at-all-costs does not allow for mistakes – or for changing your mind. Maybe your goal was to climb to that highest peak but three quarters of the way there the dangers and the pain got through to your wise brain and you chose to turn back. You quit pushing yourself to take a risk that, to you, was no longer the prize you imagined it to be. It’s not “I failed to reach the peak” – it’s really “Getting as far as I did is amazing but I changed my mind about risking my life.” Sounds like a win to me! (If the idea of now having to explain to others why you made that choice feels… awkward…embarrassing…shameful…that’s a note to self that there’s some quitting you might want to consider. As well as some work on shame.)

When we are depressed and anxious, we can feel either so depleted, or our minds feel so cloudy, that tapping into our deepest selves, listening to what our heart really needs, can be mighty challenging. This is where working on quieting your mind and just breathing can be so helpful. Staying still for a few minutes can allow us to see the break in the clouds. Then you can really feel into what you need and ask yourself does saying or doing this thing serve me? Am I being true to myself or perhaps just a teeny bit too concerned about what others might think of me?

Letting our hearts speak to us, and understanding
our inner critic, can set us up to quit
what no longer serves us.

See what happens when you decide to quit things or relationships that dampen your joy or hurt your feelings. Please send me an email and let me know how it goes!

(By the way, this article feels a little unfinished to me. Some people may love it, others not so much. That’s ok. I am quitting worrying (for now!) about that. And there is that deadline, after all. So I published it, and can move on to writing an article about shame.)