Hello, and welcome back as we start the first month of this new year.

Two things often happen with me at this juncture, and I wonder if they happen to you, too. One, the build-up to the holidays can be any combination of rushed/stressed/anxious/get-me-out-of-here/fun/when can I sit down/great to see everyone/cool gifts given and received…and everything in between. In short, it’s a lot.

And two, the abrupt, sudden stop to the preparations – well, because the day finally arrived – sometimes left me feeling somewhat adrift and untethered in the days that followed – not sad, exactly, but with the New Year looming I always felt I had to get my act together, for real this year, because you know – hopes and dreams.

I’d like to share a brief anecdote with you because I have been thinking about my own new year, and that made me think of you. (If you noticed I used the word “looming” –that is what it felt like, sort of like the Sunday Scaries and you’ve got a project due tomorrow you haven’t even started. Yuck.) I think I now understand why I, and maybe you, have mixed feelings about the calendar turning over: it’s a fresh start (good) that can induce pressure (not so good) to be better, do better – and don’t forget to add in the things we should stop doing.

In my case, a particular context set the stage for these mixed feelings. In my family of origin, there was a certain tradition I never quite understood (and came to dislike). My father would put on a record (yup, an album) of Christmas carols, gorgeously sung by a highly professional German choir. Because the record was old, it had small scratches from the needle making its way around for at least a hundred Christmases, which became a familiar part of the experience. Ok, so far so good.

But here’s the thing: within ten to fifteen seconds of the music starting, everyone was crying. Usually someone would make a forlorn remark about time going by so fast, but mainly you had to be silent, weeping. It seemed to me one of the very few times I saw my parents express what had to be deep, though wordless, emotions. But this annual event was stubbornly central to the evening – it was just what we did. Every year, the build up to Christmas included the anticipation of sobbing. Good times!

I think for years, the Christmases of my youth, with their pathos and sorrow and the regrets and sadness swirling around the adults, had a dual effect of wearing me out and spurring me on not to be like them, not to dwell in regret and the past. The present couldn’t even get a seat at the table.

So, we come to what I call The New Year Effect: the pressure (self-imposed or otherwise), the habit and the wish to kick of a new year with bold, marvelous, lofty, important goals – so that – here’s the kicker – we can become “better” than what we are today, and fix the regrets of yesterday. The New Year Effect can induce feelings of shame. (Click here to read all about how to tame shame.)

Lest you start swearing at me or feel an urge to leave the site, I hasten to add that bold, marvelous, lofty goals are terrific. But, if we create them from a place of “I’m not good enough”, hoping and expecting that whatever transformation that occurs will make men or women flock to us, get us raises, help us lose twenty pounds and make us the thinnest person at that 25-year reunion in May (because then things will be great and I’ll finally feel really good about myself), we’ll be headed for trouble. Maybe you will get those things. But I have some doubts.

Achieving goals that have even a teeny bit of people-pleasing attached to them, or are driven by any “should”, or are accompanied by the expectation that they will make us feel different, better, happier, more liked – are very unlikely to be deeply satisfying in the long haul. Deeply satisfying, along the lines of “I can’t wait to go back to my project, it’s so hard and fun” or “It feels so good to be making new friends. I needed this.”

The typical way many of us think about New Year’s resolutions is inherently problematic: we tend to focus on what we need to stop doing (things we like) and start doing (things we don’t really like). It’s no wonder that by February those resolutions have weakened or disappeared altogether – and we feel worse about ourselves for it.

Let’s think about this new year differently. Let’s think about our hopes and dreams for the year and create them from a place of love and acceptance about who we are today. We are perfectly imperfect the way we are. And let’s give ourselves permission to stop working towards that goal if it no longer seems to fit or excite us.

Wanting to achieve anything – more fitness or health, more close friendships, starting a business, writing a book, repairing a relationship, learning a new skill – all need our most positive, excited self as the launching pad. Shame and its favorite partner guilt will sabotage our beautiful goals come February 1, when we may feel we’ve bitten off more than we can chew, or the steps to that goal start to feel overwhelming. Shame (which is not the core of you, it’s the carried part from the past) will find an opening to inflame self-doubt. And that’s a terribly deflating way to embark on your new year.

How about instead, come February 1, you lasso any discouragement or self-doubt, let it sit there, then spend some time reflecting about whether your goal just needs modifying, or a different timeline? Or perhaps you could get some help with it? Or, have you changed your mind and something else feels more important now, that you hadn’t thought of before? See Quitting is for Winners for some thoughts on the beauty of letting go of things.

My goal last year was to launch Thriving Bravely in July. Now I find that comically hysterical! It was lofty all right, but so unrealistic because I didn’t know at the time how much longer each step would take than I had planned. So, I fine-tuned how I was working, kept going, blew through a few deadlines, met others, and here we are. I loved every minute of it, and had I launched in July it wouldn’t be what it is today. It needed time and so did I.

Would you like some ideas about how to make your new year dreams come true? I thought so : )

Creating a solid foundation for success

• Find your “why”. Keep asking yourself “why is this important to me?” until you feel you’ve reached the core desire. Here’s a common example: “I want to lose 20 pounds.” Why? “I’d like to feel healthier and have my clothes fit better.” Why? “I’ll feel more confident.” Why? “Because it will help me feel stronger.” Why? “It will decrease my depression and build my self-esteem.” You get the idea. In this case, sounds like feeling less depressed and better about yourself is actually the goal; losing 20 pounds is one of the strategies.

• Get very clear on how achieving your resolution will improve your life, and be aware of any thoughts that surface about how you hope others will feel about your achievement. This is your year, not theirs.

• I love huge goals, but smaller ones are fantastic too, because they feel immediately rewarding and keep our energy up. For example: “This year I am determined to say something kind to myself, everyday. I’ll write it down.”

• At Thriving Bravely we look for small moments of joy. Could one goal be to slow down and notice the little things that inspire happiness, wonder, love? (I got a darling white lilac bulb in a tiny vase, and watching it blossom makes me smile every time I walk past it.)

• Revisit what you set out to do, often. Examine its ongoing importance to you, tweak your schedule to fit it in, or abandon it and choose something else if your interest has changed (that too is growth).

• Watch out for resolutions like “I’m not going to eat Cadbury’s mini-eggs this year.” If you feel less candy would be a good resolution, how about “I’m going to enjoy my Cadbury’s as a treat on the weekend.”

• Resolutions are destined for the garbage heap if they feel like deprivation or an endurance test. They are made to be enriching, not to spoil fun!

Here are some of my intentions this year: continue being my wholehearted self, laugh more at my quirks and flaws, and love my peeps and my animals as much as I possibly can.

Best wishes to you for the New Year.