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Let’s take a closer look at the immense impact that loss (and grief) has on us during the holiday season. Losses are profound at any time, but during the holidays their impact feels especially painful.

In addition, many of us find this season evocative and bittersweet: memories bubble to the surface, unspoken sadness makes an appearance, and as we get older, the holidays can become a marker, reminding us of the passage of time.

Because loss can be so very hard to think and talk about, I invite you to do so anyway – unspoken feelings about endings can make us feel even more isolated, more anxious, more alone. Acknowledging our feelings, and perhaps being able to let others know what we need in this season, can really help. A burden shared can become (a little) less heavy.

If you read the article Quitting is for Winners, you might remember my writing about the cultural pressure to continue doing something, no matter what, even when that thing no longer serves us, meets our needs, and even if it causes pain.

This idea of quitting relates to what we are talking about today: I propose we quit hiding our grief and sorrow, quit answering the “how are you” question with “I’m fine” (when we’re not fine at all), quit letting the holidays determine whether it’s ok to feel what we feel, and quit seeing others’ enjoyment of the season as an example of what we should be doing or feeling – as though joy at this time of year were mandatory. It’s not. Let yourself off the hook, please, if you aren’t feeling it.

Of course we must acknowledge the pain of losing people we love through death, and take care of ourselves as best as we can while we grieve. We must also remain aware that we may not know if someone is grieving, and to be mindful of not making assumptions. For instance, if you encounter a neighbor at a party and he has just laughed at a joke, this does not mean he is not in distress or deeply sad.

Let’s take a closer look at many of the kinds of losses we can encounter, which we might not typically think of as significant losses – let alone ones that can induce grief (which they most certainly can).

SOME LOSSES & ENDINGS THAT WE MAY GRIEVE

• Relationship breakup
• Divorce
• Loss of intimacy when relationship ends
• Friendship ends
• Best friend moves away
• You move away
• Layoff or unemployment
• Confidence or self-esteem took a hit
• Financial losses
• Friendships end/change after divorce or separation
• Your business closes
• Starting a new job where you don’t know anyone
• Betrayal by a close friend
• Unfulfilled hopes and dreams
• Selling family home
• Broken promises
• Feeling time has passed too quickly
• Sadness over decisions made
• Missing a previous time in your life
• Estrangement or disconnection from family
• Emptiness of home when kids leave
• Beloved pet dies
• Identity confusion when marriage ends
• Divorce’s impact on relationship and time with children
• Fear of future without spouse
• Deciding not to finish college
• Feeling lack of career fulfillment
• Chronic illness
• Dependence on others due to medical or mobility problems
• Achievement of life-long dream not what you expected
• Diagnosis of serious medical problem
• Trauma or violence led to no longer feeling safe and secure
• Being humiliated by someone

These are all very, very weighty losses if you are the one experiencing them. How upsetting/frightening/painful/devastating they feel only you can determine.

I’d like to urge you to not minimize any that may have happened to you, by comparing your grief to what you imagine someone else’s would be.

And please, please don’t put yourself in the terrible position of deciding that your loss is so much less than someone else’s. Even if you know someone whose loss has been catastrophic, it serves no one, especially you, to then decide your loss is not “terrible enough” to warrant significant distress – and yes, grief.

Loss, sadness and grief are measurable only by you.
And yours matters as much as anyone’s.

If you’d like to explore some specific phrases and responses that you can put into action at a holiday gathering, to relieve the pressure and anxiety that can be activated by others’ questions or comments, check out the article about what you can do. You can find it right here: Did someone just ask me that? Having some strategies for social situations can help us feel less vulnerable at this time of year, which can evoke vulnerability like few other seasons.

Losses and endings arrive in all of our lives, at some point. My wish for you is that this season not add pressure to what may already be a time of sorrow. Let people in if that helps, take time for yourself if that helps.

None of us are alone. When we are ready to lift our heads and look around, there will be people ready to take our hands.

Click here to read the other articles in The Holiday Stress Series

I am now going to close with a Holiday/Christmas/New Year’s message from my heart to yours.

We are all a bit of a mess. We are all strong. We can be both at the same time and still be our loving, loveable, cranky, sad, hopeful, generous selves. Just be you.

People who really see us and understand us, get there partly by our leading the way in making it okay to be messy, strong – and human.

With love for all the seasons to come.