It appears that many of us are interested in being happy. I just learned an amazing fact: depending on how you search, there are no fewer than 23,000 and probably more than 50,000 books on happiness. Really.

Two things about this struck me. One, apparently there is no one definition of happiness or one way to find it. Two, a lot of us are writing and buying books about it. We want answers : )

Our culture is obsessed with happiness – and it can feel oppressive. Sure, feeling dissatisfied, sad, worried, doubtful, scared, and irritable are not on the list of favorite feelings, but we are not denying ourselves happiness by having them.

And it is not our problem if other people freak out when we feel those ways. I have met a number of people who get so uncomfortable if you answer their question “How are you?” honestly. You can feel their discomfort; they seem to squirm internally if you say anything other than “Great, thanks.”

I’m calling bullshit on forced happiness and pressure to be joyful all the time. Please. It’s not real. (And how would we even recognize the state of joy if we have never felt despair?)

My qualification to offer you some thoughts on a way to reimagine happiness is that I’ve been walking around on this planet for a few decades, and having experienced both depression and anxiety, I have a very, very high interest in figuring out this mysterious, you-know-it-when-you-feel-it, thing called being happy. I suspect you may feel the same.

Unhappiness and depression are not equivalent.

Before moving on, let’s get one thing out of the way: unhappiness and depression are not interchangeable terms. We can feel unhappy, but not be depressed, and we can feel happy even if we are depressed. But when we are depressed or suffering through anxiety, happiness can be challenging to recognize. Like trying to find something you dropped, in the dark, without a flashlight.

I’d love to hand you that flashlight. Read on to explore more about happiness and some ways to tap into your own particular sense of it, by creating the conditions for recognizing and enjoying happiness when it occurs.

I’ll begin by sharing a short story.

A few years ago, I was on vacation at our favorite beach. It was lovely. And I was crying.

I had become aware of some depression symptoms returning, slowly, insidiously. I remember feeling a profound sense of time rushing by, and the rhythmic, relentless sound of the waves reaching the shore reflected that feeling.  I felt untethered and somewhat hopeless. In the painful moments that followed, I focused on my breath.

Some uncomfortable feelings and thoughts bubbled up: “I hate this. I can’t stand feeling this way; it makes no sense – I have so much in my life that I love and am grateful for; I’m worried I will ruin our vacation; I’m angry, this is so unfair.”

Clearly, my mind ran with very unhelpful (though understandable) thoughts. Despite all my experience managing and recovering from depression, this time it crept up on me and my mood was in a nosedive before I had a chance to pull back on the throttle.

I did two things immediately once I realized I was in trouble: I told my husband how I was feeling and forced myself to walk the length of the beach. Then, I went back to my breathing, quieted my mind, and trusted that while I couldn’t control the depression itself, I did have agency to react to it differently – not to get anxious, angry or project (what may never happen) into the future.

I’m sure you noticed that I got caught, momentarily, in the vortex of “hating” depression – of course we don’t like it and I wish for all of us it didn’t happen, but “hating” it gives it fuel and momentum – not to mention that it connects us to anger and that definitely won’t make us feel better. Don’t worry, I’m not going to recommend we find a way to be grateful for depression (there’s probably a book about that…no thanks), but it has helped me when I fight with it less, and roll with it more, so that I remain empowered even if I’m struggling.

Back to the story.

Although it seems wildly contradictory – because who wants to “stay in the present” when the present is depression? – I did just that. I accepted what was happening (doesn’t mean I liked it) and did my best to just…be. I focused on the warmth of the sand on my feet and the faint smell of sunscreen. I listened to the surf.

When I relaxed a little, my attention was drawn to a little boy of about four, who was laughing so hard he was bent over double, eyes closed, completely overtaken by amusement. My eyes pricked with tears at witnessing such a beautiful, present moment of joy. I felt a tenderness that almost ached, and I became aware of my heart opening wide at his sweetness and laughter. I reached for my husband’s hand and stayed in the tenderness. Some minutes later I saw the little boy leaning against his mother’s legs while she sat in her beach chair, and she offered him a sandwich. I was in contentment.

This would be a fairy tale if I told you that feeling lasted and lasted. But the existence of that moment was a very real piece of happiness for me – and those moments of happiness have recurred again and again. And moments count. I’m going to repeat that because it’s really, really important: Moments count.

Happiness often hides in plain sight.

I’ve thought a lot about happiness since then. As I’ve become more attuned to these experiences, I realize I didn’t really register them before as aspects of my own happiness, contentment and love. But there they’ve been, hiding in plain sight.

Sometimes when I’m in that emotional space I’ve described, I feel a curious, intense longing; a mixture of an acute, piercing recognition of my deepest self and the oneness of the world – which feels exquisite: poignant and infused with extraordinary joy. The feeling is so visceral that words can’t quite capture it (sort of like trying to explain what love is).

Music often activates the experience; Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”, any rendition of “Silent Night” and Pearl Jam’s “Just Breathe” are guaranteed to transport me to this mysterious, beautiful, slightly sorrowful place. Art, deeply moving films and books can open me to these feelings too. (Note: I go in very different direction musically when I want a dopamine hit and high energy. Think UB40, The Rolling Stones, Brandi Carlisle).

However, I have also been learning that there is plenty of joy to be found in the simplest of things. An absorbing book and doing laundry (yes, really) are good examples. When we get quiet, as I did on the beach, happiness can show up unexpectedly.

It is perfectly okay – even expected – that you may not agree with some of my thoughts. I am sharing these experiences with you to underscore both how personal the state of happiness is, and to offer you encouragement to tap into the sources of your own.

One more layer that I find fascinating: what makes me feel happy has changed with time. For example, in my early thirties I had a huge job in advertising and traveled the world constantly. I loved it. I loved the smell of jet fuel and the adventure it promised. I loved the bewildering strangeness and beauty of Southeast Asia and being so far from home: absorbing a sense of being on another planet while discovering the common humanity everywhere.

But…there came a time when I no longer wanted to live that way or have that career. Other things now make me happy, and still others will that I have yet to discover. Do I feel twinges of nostalgia for my former life? Of course. But growth leads to change and change leads to growth.

Growth leads to change and change leads to growth.

If we can love and miss what came before, we can also anticipate that we will look back someday on this week, this year, and miss parts of them, too.

Translation: there are relationships and things happening in our lives today, that feature aspects of happiness, contentment and peace. We don’t want to overlook them, especially when we are anxious or depressed. They are there, waiting to be seen and enjoyed.

Happiness (for you, for me, for all of us) fluctuates and evolves, and I believe (on my best days, I know) that if it is not here at this very minute, it will be back soon.

CREATING THE CONDITIONS TO ALLOW HAPPINESS.

It can be helpful to think of this as intentionally letting happiness, whatever that may be for you, reveal itself.

We can embrace the possibility that a moment of contentment, no matter its brevity, can be mighty powerful.

And that moment can be sustaining. My hour of contentment on the beach that day lifted my spirits for far longer than the moment itself.

Here are some ways to coax happiness to the surface. If you like, jot down some things you might like to try yourself.

• What do you really, really care about? List a few things that matter deeply to you. Could be a relationship, a cause, your work, a creative project, writing, a pet, a friendship…anything at all that feels indispensable in your life. It could be a big thing such as your relationship with your partner, or a smaller thing such as feeling your home is a cozy, restful place that you enjoy decorating. If it matters to you, it matters. Now, think about how often you pay deep attention to that thing or person. Given how much it/they matter to you, can you take time every day to be in it, notice it, and enjoy how wonderful it feels to care so much about it/them? That is an invitation for happiness to show up.

• Do something that nourishes you. (One time I started baking something when I was depressed. It took about an hour to get going and just do it already (because I was depressed)…and then, because working with my hands relaxes me, I was caught by surprise. I began to feel…peaceful. I enjoyed myself. That was happiness, all right.

• Take a day off. This will sound like I’m contradicting myself, but sometimes we just need to let go, stop thinking of our “to do” list, and give ourselves a break. (On one of my days off I bundled up on the sofa after breakfast and read a mystery novel cover to cover. For eight hours. It was bliss. And it felt great to give myself what I needed.) This can work best if you plan the day off ahead of time, so you don’t have to make a bunch of calls to clear your calendar: sidestep the trap of feeling badly about rescheduling things.

• Be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Rest is just as “productive” as making dinner for your family (or anything else). Depression and anxiety can be so, so draining. We need to balance pushing through while honoring our need to step away for a bit. To breathe. To pause. Life is not an endurance test!

• What do you find beautiful? The perfect lilac in your garden? A song? A thunderstorm? A beautifully arranged tower of books? A film you watch often? Think of everyday things that you may walk past, or take for granted, without really seeing them. Look for them now. Make noticing beauty, as you define it, a part of your day. There are pieces of happiness all around us. (Although it has become ordinary because of its frequency, every single time I return home my dog is over-the-moon delighted to see me. All I have to do is notice how wonderful it makes me feel and I’m back in happiness again.)

• Try to let go of the fantasy/expectation that feeling happy should be a permanent state. You’ll end up fighting so hard to “be happy” that you won’t feel it when it’s there. It may help all of us to think of happiness as a very welcome visitor who may not take up residence, but whose arrival is eagerly expected and anticipated.

One last thought. The vulnerability that depression and anxiety have opened in me, sometimes makes me feel tender and overly sensitive. I’ve come to appreciate that my vulnerabilities, although partly born from heartache, have also, over time, made me more available to joy and love. I wish the same for you.

Now that will make me happy : )