Feeling accepted

We are wired, as humans, for meaningful relationships and bonds with others.

That loneliness is more prevalent now than at any other time in which it’s been studied, is alarming. (While the reasons for this are beyond our task here, it is important to acknowledge.) There are estimates that one out of two people in this country feel lonely: they are experiencing a distressing gap between the connections they have and the ones they want: perhaps the connections they do have may feel unsatisfactory, or they may seem absent all together.

It is small comfort, in this case, to realize that many of us are feeling the same way. But, you can bet that about half of the people you will encounter are also experiencing loneliness, which means we are definitely, absolutely not alone in this experience. It may help us to remember this about our fellow humans, because shared vulnerability, between ourselves and others, is strong connective tissue for meaningful friendships.

Because the holidays emphasize togetherness and spending time with friends and family, attending events or dinners might feel like an opportunity to feel less lonely, or depending on our current relationships, it could be a very bittersweet experience; we get a bit of relief from our loneliness, but it only goes part way to making us feel better.

Have you ever been in a room full of nice people and still felt lonely? Me too. There’s nothing wrong with those people, but maybe they aren’t the best fit for us – nice to chat with for an evening but they don’t seem to be “our” people. At least at first glance. I wonder what would happen if we asked the person we are seated next to for dinner, about this epidemic of loneliness, and inquired about their thoughts on it? We might end up in an interesting conversation!

I believe the greatest antidote to loneliness is belonging. Belonging is that feeling of “I’m with people who get me.” Feeling accepted, included, and valued – just for being who we are.

There are numerous ways to find belonging. Some people join other like-minded people in a cause, some start and join book clubs, or take cooking classes and find potential friendships that way. I think the starting point is reflecting on what we like to do, what we find interesting, inspiring, restful, stimulating, and fun. You might find it productive to start making a list of things you’ve always wanted to learn, or hobbies you used to love but fell by the wayside. These will all offer clues about where you might find your people. And, by the way, some of us enjoy the intimacy of just a few friends, others are more extroverted and prefer a larger social network.

Small things can also make a big difference. I work in a home office, so I no longer have the built-in social contact from being in an outside office setting. It does get lonely sometimes (thank goodness for my dog). But I have built in some minor shifts that have made a positive impact: I workout at a fitness studio where I’ve become a welcome community member. That feels good, and decreases lonely feelings – I tend to run into the same people, and we check in with each other about how we’re doing. I see friends for lunch periodically, too.

Here are some additional loneliness antidotes you might consider trying:

♥ Is there a good friend you haven’t seen for a long time but have often thought of calling? It’s a great time to reach out.

♥ Want to attend a book reading and signing? Go! You can also browse the store.

♥ Use Google to find an online community of people who share an interest of yours. If someone in that community lives near you, meet up with them in person.

♥ Consider adopting a pet.

♥ Look up some mindfulness techniques for staying in the present and reducing anxiety.

♥ Try the visualizations in the e-book 52 Weeks of Thriving Bravely (they are on Weeks 1, 14, 27, and 40); these can be helpful ways to give yourself a soothing pause, and space to reduce feelings of being overwhelmed, so you can return to the present with more clarity and peace.

♥ Experiment with some group fitness classes – yoga, pilates, martial arts, and barre studios are everywhere

♥ Perhaps group therapy would be helpful; your therapist or perhaps your doctor could recommend one.

♥ I know several people who volunteer during this season at women’s’ shelters, soup kitchens and other community services; they tell me it brings them pleasure to give their time, that they feel very appreciated, and that it’s a powerful reminder of both their generosity and their gratitude.

One final suggestion: give yourself permission to tell someone how you feel – it could be something like “It’s been rather a lonely year for me at times. I believe that’s true for many people. Do you ever feel that way?” This could lead to a warm, helpful conversation that develops connection over a shared vulnerability.

Oh, one more thing: do at least one nice, comforting thing for yourself – take a whole day if you like – to give yourself the gift of pleasure and calm. Doesn’t matter whether it’s take-out and a movie after a long hot shower, a reading marathon tucked in with Christmas cookies nearby, a walk on a snowy afternoon…whatever makes you feel good is the ticket.

You take care of you.

Click here to read the other articles in The Holiday Stress Series

I am now going to close with a Holiday/Christmas/New Year’s message from my heart to yours.

We are all a bit of a mess. We are all strong. We can be both at the same time and still be our loving, loveable, cranky, sad, hopeful, generous selves. Just be you.

People who really see us and understand us, get there partly by our leading the way in making it okay to be messy, strong – and human.

With love for all the seasons to come.