distressing circumstances

I suppose technically, this is not a holiday-specific problem. But during this time of year, especially if you’ve gone through a loss – in addition to some possibly heavy doses of depression or anxiety – the most hardy among us would find it awkward, if not painful, to figure out how to respond to well-meaning people inquiring about our loss or other distressing circumstances. I’m here to help.

We certainly don’t want to shut people down for expressing concern and care; their question or comment could just be ill-timed – or you’re just not ready to talk more about it – with them or anyone. Particularly in a social, more public setting like a holiday party.

Quick side note: if you read Quitting is for Winners, you know how much I believe in quitting what doesn’t serve us. If you’d like to read it now, we’ll wait for you : )

In Loss doesn’t take a holiday, I suggested we quit some things this holiday season: hiding our grief and sorrow, answering the “how are you” question with “I’m fine” (when we’re not fine at all), letting the holidays determine whether it’s ok to feel what we feel, and seeing others’ enjoyment of the season as an example of what we should be doing or feeling – as though joy at this time of year were mandatory. It’s not.

So let’s figure out some specific, concrete phrases, answers, and questions of your own that you can put into action at any family or holiday gathering – so that you feel less vulnerable in this time of year – which can evoke vulnerability like few other seasons.

You might like to write down your top ten (or any number) of questions and comments you are dreading, that could be asked or said to you at a holiday event.

Your losses, perhaps some loneliness, are part of who you are today, and you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. We are going to find things you can say and do that will help you stay true to yourself AND maintain a boundary that feels emotionally safe.

I don’t encourage any of us to say “I’m fine” when we’re not. We look fine, we’re functioning very well – but we may be sad and vulnerable, and the effort to hide that from others is huge. Now, I’m not suggesting that I’m going to start sobbing over the crab dip, but I am going to remain true to my feelings and not hide or pretend.

Keep your top ten dreaded questions and remarks in mind as you explore this list of responses you could have. See if any (or a combination) of them might fit the bill. The dual goal is to be true to you and maintain whatever boundary keeps you feeling safe.

♥ Thank you for asking. It’s been a rough year, but I am doing better. How are you?

♥ It would be great to talk about it some other time because the support would be so helpful. Are you free for a coffee next week?

♥ I appreciate your concern, that means a lot. Let’s talk another time. Thank you for understanding.

♥ If person persists in asking: As I said, I’m not able to talk about this now. Will you excuse me? I’d just like to get a glass of water.

♥ Yes, it was a big loss for me, and I am doing a little better. How are things with your son in college?

♥ Oh, when will I date again? At some point I might, but I’m ok with taking all the time I need.

♥ I’m sure you understand how difficult that subject is for me. I appreciate your caring, but it’s been a nice break to talk about other things this evening.

♥ This has been a painful few months, and it’s still too hard to discuss. I appreciate you keeping a good thought for me.

♥ You’re so kind to ask how I am. I need lots of time to heal. Thanks for asking.

♥ I am very sad, and working through it. As you can imagine, this time of year can be hard. But I’m glad I came and thank you for inviting me.

♥ It’s so nice that you ask because many people avoid talking about losing my job. It’s tough but I will be fine. How are you doing at work?

♥ Lighthearted tease, with a smile: Well, that’s quite a question! Not everyone would go there, Susan! Excuse me for a second, ok?

♥ It’s been rather a lonely year for me at times. I believe that’s true for many people. Do you ever feel that way?

The key with any of these (and plenty of others you will think of), is to acknowledge the person without inviting further comment or discussion.

Acknowledge without inviting.

And by all means, leave the event when you need to. If that means you’re there twenty minutes or an hour, so be it. It was brave to go and it’s brave to leave when that’s best for you.

When we give ourselves permission to own our feelings, and respond to others with kindness and clarity about what we need, we are thriving bravely indeed.

Click here to read the other articles in The Holiday Stress Series

I am now going to close with a Holiday/Christmas/New Year’s message from my heart to yours.

We are all a bit of a mess. We are all strong. We can be both at the same time and still be our loving, loveable, cranky, sad, hopeful, generous selves. Just be you.

People who really see us and understand us, get there partly by our leading the way in making it okay to be messy, strong – and human.

With love for all the seasons to come.