• Taming Shame

    Taming Shame

    Shame is an extraordinarily loaded feeling and reaction. I’ll bet it’s at the top of most peoples’ lists of feelings they loathe. It’s a close cousin to guilt, which I will explain.

    We are not born feeling shame; it is an internal response to humiliation, judgment, and rejection by people we care about and love. Shame is a searing moment when terrible things are said or done to us, and standing there, red-faced, we wish more than anything that we could be swallowed up by the ground under our feet.  Shame is when we feel wholly inadequate as a person, exposed, broken, even – and worthy of the rejection itself.

    Shame is someone else dumping their pain on us.

    Guilt, on the other hand, is a feeling we get when we have crossed a moral boundary of our own (or society’s). For example, if you took money off your parent’s dresser when you were young, you probably felt guilty. Anticipating guilt, from doing something we are thinking about, but know is wrong, can help us put the brakes on and thus steer clear of engaging in that behavior. For sure, guilt can occur when someone tells us we’ve hurt their feelings. So we apologize, own our transgression and move on.

    However, if we have not addressed the core feelings that live inside us, from being shamed growing up, the shame can easily attach itself to instances where we feel guilt, making that normally transient emotion larger-than-life, all-consuming and leaving us feeling worthless and about one inch tall. If that. So, shame and guilt can be toxic companions.

    Can the beast of shame be tamed? Yes! I can’t promise total eradication, because we can’t erase our early experiences of shame – but we can explore them, try our best to understand them, and work to recognize that feeling shame is not our fault and was not caused by us. Try to imagine an infant experiencing shame. Exactly.

    So, to summarize: incidents of humiliation (or coercion and abuse) by a parent or other person whom we love, care for and depend on, create shameful feelings that lead to (a usually unconscious) belief that indeed, we are insufficient and deserving of devaluation. We often perpetuate the shame by judging ourselves harshly. This pattern can manifest in choosing relationships that mimic the behavior of the original shamer, not trusting our own feelings (further invalidation), and living with excruciating self-doubt and self-sabotage.

    We’ve seen how shame and guilt can be cozy partners. Add depression and anxiety to that duo and we can end up in a full-blown crisis. I know, it sounds like taming shame is harder than you thought and it would be understandable if you are now wondering if the toxic mess shame generates can be stopped (or at least wrangled into submission). Yes, it can. And I am going to show you how.

    I’ve purposely detailed my thoughts on shame to underscore how imperative it is that we get a handle on it. Tackling the problems of depression and anxiety are going to, at some point, unearth hidden (or maybe not so hidden) pockets of shame. That’s ok. More than ok. It’s a good thing. Because sunshine is the best disinfectant.

    Ready to move on to some ways to bring shame out of the darkness, and give it the heave-ho? Let’s go.

    EMPATHY

    Empathy is the mother of all shame antidotes. Shame doesn’t stand a chance against it.  Empathy towards ourselves and others is the pathway to belonging and connection, which in turn become the way we heal. (Read anything by Brené Brown, PhD, MSW to go deeper into your understanding of shame).

    • Show yourself some love. Spend some time, every day, feeling into a few things you love about yourself. There is just one you in the world, here to share your gifts and be the truest you possible. Here, I’ll go first. I love myself for my generosity with time, love and money. I love that I am resourceful and good at solving problems. I love my auburn, curly hair (finally! I was teased endlessly for it in middle school and back then wished I had pin-straight blonde). I love myself for my kind heart. Now you try. It’s not bragging. It’s owning who you are. It’s ok to not like some things about ourselves – as long as shame isn’t the driver and you work to frame it as perfectly acceptable to be imperfect. (I am working on this too.) The artist Salvador Dali wrote: “Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.” We’d do well to absorb this message of acceptance.

    • Consider asking your partner or a close friend to tell you three things they love and admire about you. (Notice if your inner voice says “Really? They’re just being nice”; that’s a big molecule of shame trying to bust the party.)

    • Find some mantras that work for you, write them down and say them, feel them, believe them. I know, this sounds a little woo woo, but stay with me here. It helps in challenging that old shame voice, coaxing it to into submission. A few of my go-to mantras are “When I stay connected to the core me, I am unstoppable” and “I love myself and therefore have more love to give”. Google self-love mantras and see what resonates.

    • Who in your life has offered you empathy? What was it about their presence, words and behavior that felt empathic to you? (One of the most enduring memories I have of being shown empathy was my amazing 4th Grade teacher Mrs. Stokes. I was riddled with anxiety and she saw it, gently embraced it, and soothed it with kind words, praise and patience.)

    • How do you manifest empathy towards others? Who are these lucky people? What things trigger your empathic response? (By the way, the activation of our empathy towards others can offer interesting information about our own shame; we sometimes recognize in others what we needed but did not get).

    TELL YOUR STORY. EXPLORE YOUR NARRATIVE OF SHAME. Shame feeds on secrecy and all variations of self-doubt such as “what will she think of me if I reveal how I feel?” Stuck in our heads and hearts, shame calls the shots – but, when we call it out by speaking about it, shame loses its grip. You can start by asking yourself some questions, such as:

    • Who shamed me when I was young? What did they say or do (to me)?

    • How do I remember reacting at that time?

    • Who else in my family carries shame? How do I know this? Perhaps they are people-pleasing, overly solicitous, angry, unkind, narcissistic, lonely, depressed, entitled, very uncomfortable with feelings (tend to leave the room if a feeling is even mentioned), quick to judge others about appearance, their tastes – or anything at all?

    • What do I know about family members’ histories? (Shame is often transferred through generations.)

    These can be painful questions, leading to painful answers. No need to go it alone. I highly recommend engaging in therapy while exploring them, which will provide you with a safe relationship and additional perspective, especially if your shame is connected to trauma. (Perhaps the course A Thriving Life might be right for you; in it we do a deep dive into shame.) Click here to learn more

    We need to accept ourselves as we are,
    before we can become who we want to be.

    You’ve got this.

  • Quitting is for Winners

    Quitting is for Winners.

    The idea for this article came to me as I caught my inner critic surfacing; I was trying to meet a deadline and the writing was not coming as easily as it often (thankfully) does. My ever-so-helpful critic said “Hmmm….seems to me you’re not going to make that deadline – perhaps you shouldn’t have watched that show you love last night. Maybe you’d be done by now.” Seriously? That stung, but I took a deep breath and told it (silently): “You’re not the boss of me. I am quitting listening to your nonsense.” I got a cup of tea, and on my way back from the kitchen realized how powerful quitting is – and how necessary. (We’d never let a friend speak to us the way we sometimes speak to ourselves, right?)

    But quitting flies in the face of our culture, where perseverance and finishing (usually in first place) are paramount, no matter what: “no pain, no gain” and “you must get to the peak of that mountain even if your feet are bleeding and you’re running out of oxygen”. (Really? Do I?) If you ask someone why winning, achieving, blasting through pain is so important, they say “Well, it just is. It’s what winners do. Good things don’t come easily, you know.” Oh boy. 

    Let me make myself super clear on one thing: I believe in hard work and enjoy the process. I love being stretched and challenged, physically, intellectually, and emotionally. I accept that growth can be (very) hard. But I do not believe pain and suffering must be present. In an apparent contradiction, pain could be like that guy on the roadside with a flag, there to slow cars down. Pain might be a great partner in letting us know enough is enough. And good enough is good enough.

    Quitting can be our partner in shifting from languishing to flourishing.

    I have called it quits on many things and at times struggled to do so:

    • I quit my first marriage (with kindness) because what was broken couldn’t be fixed

    • I quit beating myself up for not being one of the “cool” girls in high school. I loved school and learning. That was me.

    • I quit a job I hated after six weeks; the people were mean and I couldn’t stand one more minute

    • I quit laughing at my father’s trying-to-be-funny-but-meant-as-a-criticism remarks. Not funny. Told him it hurt my feelings.

    • I quit comparing myself to others (sometimes still working on that one)

    • I quit allowing shame to take over when I realized the other person’s poor behavior was not mine to own.

    So…what does being a winner by quitting have to do with mental health? Glad you asked! 

    When we quit believing, saying, doing things (and being with people) that make us feel bad about ourselves, we are depriving depression and anxiety of some of the fuel they run on. One of the sneakiest ways win-at-all-costs shows up is when we have made what someone else thinks of us more important than what we think about ourselves.

    Of course, if a friend or colleague has helpful feedback and kindly points out something we do that bothers them, we need to listen. And then stop doing whatever it is. But this can be integrated into your budding self-worth by accepting that needing to change something is not an indication of some flaw – it just means you’re human.

    Winning-at-all-costs does not allow for mistakes – or for changing your mind. Maybe your goal was to climb to that highest peak but three quarters of the way there the dangers and the pain got through to your wise brain and you chose to turn back. You quit pushing yourself to take a risk that, to you, was no longer the prize you imagined it to be. It’s not “I failed to reach the peak” – it’s really “Getting as far as I did is amazing but I changed my mind about risking my life.” Sounds like a win to me! (If the idea of now having to explain to others why you made that choice feels… awkward…embarrassing…shameful…that’s a note to self that there’s some quitting you might want to consider. As well as some work on shame.)

    When we are depressed and anxious, we can feel either so depleted, or our minds feel so cloudy, that tapping into our deepest selves, listening to what our heart really needs, can be mighty challenging. This is where working on quieting your mind and just breathing can be so helpful. Staying still for a few minutes can allow us to see the break in the clouds. Then you can really feel into what you need and ask yourself does saying or doing this thing serve me? Am I being true to myself or perhaps just a teeny bit too concerned about what others might think of me?

    Letting our hearts speak to us, and understanding
    our inner critic, can set us up to quit
    what no longer serves us.

    See what happens when you decide to quit things or relationships that dampen your joy or hurt your feelings. Please send me an email and let me know how it goes!

    (By the way, this article feels a little unfinished to me. Some people may love it, others not so much. That’s ok. I am quitting worrying (for now!) about that. And there is that deadline, after all. So I published it, and can move on to writing an article about shame.)

  • Happiness, reimagined

    An excerpt from A Thriving Life

    Happiness, reimagined.

    therapist blog

    It appears that many of us are interested in being happy. I just learned an amazing fact: depending on how you search, there are no fewer than 23,000 and probably more than 50,000 books on happiness. Really.

    Two things about this struck me. One, apparently there is no one definition of happiness or one way to find it. Two, a lot of us are writing and buying books about it. We want answers : )

    Our culture is obsessed with happiness – and it can feel oppressive. Sure, feeling dissatisfied, sad, worried, doubtful, scared, and irritable are not on the list of favorite feelings, but we are not denying ourselves happiness by having them.

    And it is not our problem if other people freak out when we feel those ways. I have met a number of people who get so uncomfortable if you answer their question “How are you?” honestly. You can feel their discomfort; they seem to squirm internally if you say anything other than “Great, thanks.”

    I’m calling bullshit on forced happiness and pressure to be joyful all the time. Please. It’s not real. (And how would we even recognize the state of joy if we have never felt despair?)

    My qualification to offer you some thoughts on a way to reimagine happiness is that I’ve been walking around on this planet for a few decades, and having experienced both depression and anxiety, I have a very, very high interest in figuring out this mysterious, you-know-it-when-you-feel-it, thing called being happy. I suspect you may feel the same.

    Unhappiness and depression are not equivalent.

    Before moving on, let’s get one thing out of the way: unhappiness and depression are not interchangeable terms. We can feel unhappy, but not be depressed, and we can feel happy even if we are depressed. But when we are depressed or suffering through anxiety, happiness can be challenging to recognize. Like trying to find something you dropped, in the dark, without a flashlight.

    I’d love to hand you that flashlight. Read on to explore more about happiness and some ways to tap into your own particular sense of it, by creating the conditions for recognizing and enjoying happiness when it occurs.

    I’ll begin by sharing a short story.

    A few years ago, I was on vacation at our favorite beach. It was lovely. And I was crying.

    I had become aware of some depression symptoms returning, slowly, insidiously. I remember feeling a profound sense of time rushing by, and the rhythmic, relentless sound of the waves reaching the shore reflected that feeling.  I felt untethered and somewhat hopeless. In the painful moments that followed, I focused on my breath.

    Some uncomfortable feelings and thoughts bubbled up: “I hate this. I can’t stand feeling this way; it makes no sense – I have so much in my life that I love and am grateful for; I’m worried I will ruin our vacation; I’m angry, this is so unfair.”

    Clearly, my mind ran with very unhelpful (though understandable) thoughts. Despite all my experience managing and recovering from depression, this time it crept up on me and my mood was in a nosedive before I had a chance to pull back on the throttle.

    I did two things immediately once I realized I was in trouble: I told my husband how I was feeling and forced myself to walk the length of the beach. Then, I went back to my breathing, quieted my mind, and trusted that while I couldn’t control the depression itself, I did have agency to react to it differently – not to get anxious, angry or project (what may never happen) into the future.

    I’m sure you noticed that I got caught, momentarily, in the vortex of “hating” depression – of course we don’t like it and I wish for all of us it didn’t happen, but “hating” it gives it fuel and momentum – not to mention that it connects us to anger and that definitely won’t make us feel better. Don’t worry, I’m not going to recommend we find a way to be grateful for depression (there’s probably a book about that…no thanks), but it has helped me when I fight with it less, and roll with it more, so that I remain empowered even if I’m struggling.

    Back to the story.

    Although it seems wildly contradictory – because who wants to “stay in the present” when the present is depression? – I did just that. I accepted what was happening (doesn’t mean I liked it) and did my best to just…be. I focused on the warmth of the sand on my feet and the faint smell of sunscreen. I listened to the surf.

    When I relaxed a little, my attention was drawn to a little boy of about four, who was laughing so hard he was bent over double, eyes closed, completely overtaken by amusement. My eyes pricked with tears at witnessing such a beautiful, present moment of joy. I felt a tenderness that almost ached, and I became aware of my heart opening wide at his sweetness and laughter. I reached for my husband’s hand and stayed in the tenderness. Some minutes later I saw the little boy leaning against his mother’s legs while she sat in her beach chair, and she offered him a sandwich. I was in contentment.

    This would be a fairy tale if I told you that feeling lasted and lasted. But the existence of that moment was a very real piece of happiness for me – and those moments of happiness have recurred again and again. And moments count. I’m going to repeat that because it’s really, really important: Moments count.

    Happiness often hides in plain sight.

    I’ve thought a lot about happiness since then. As I’ve become more attuned to these experiences, I realize I didn’t really register them before as aspects of my own happiness, contentment and love. But there they’ve been, hiding in plain sight.

    Sometimes when I’m in that emotional space I’ve described, I feel a curious, intense longing; a mixture of an acute, piercing recognition of my deepest self and the oneness of the world – which feels exquisite: poignant and infused with extraordinary joy. The feeling is so visceral that words can’t quite capture it (sort of like trying to explain what love is).

    Music often activates the experience; Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”, any rendition of “Silent Night” and Pearl Jam’s “Just Breathe” are guaranteed to transport me to this mysterious, beautiful, slightly sorrowful place. Art, deeply moving films and books can open me to these feelings too. (Note: I go in very different direction musically when I want a dopamine hit and high energy. Think UB40, The Rolling Stones, Brandi Carlisle).

    However, I have also been learning that there is plenty of joy to be found in the simplest of things. An absorbing book and doing laundry (yes, really) are good examples. When we get quiet, as I did on the beach, happiness can show up unexpectedly.

    It is perfectly okay – even expected – that you may not agree with some of my thoughts. I am sharing these experiences with you to underscore both how personal the state of happiness is, and to offer you encouragement to tap into the sources of your own.

    One more layer that I find fascinating: what makes me feel happy has changed with time. For example, in my early thirties I had a huge job in advertising and traveled the world constantly. I loved it. I loved the smell of jet fuel and the adventure it promised. I loved the bewildering strangeness and beauty of Southeast Asia and being so far from home: absorbing a sense of being on another planet while discovering the common humanity everywhere.

    But…there came a time when I no longer wanted to live that way or have that career. Other things now make me happy, and still others will that I have yet to discover. Do I feel twinges of nostalgia for my former life? Of course. But growth leads to change and change leads to growth.

    Growth leads to change and change leads to growth.

    If we can love and miss what came before, we can also anticipate that we will look back someday on this week, this year, and miss parts of them, too.

    Translation: there are relationships and things happening in our lives today, that feature aspects of happiness, contentment and peace. We don’t want to overlook them, especially when we are anxious or depressed. They are there, waiting to be seen and enjoyed.

    Happiness (for you, for me, for all of us) fluctuates and evolves, and I believe (on my best days, I know) that if it is not here at this very minute, it will be back soon.

    CREATING THE CONDITIONS TO ALLOW HAPPINESS.

    It can be helpful to think of this as intentionally letting happiness, whatever that may be for you, reveal itself.

    We can embrace the possibility that a moment of contentment, no matter its brevity, can be mighty powerful.

    And that moment can be sustaining. My hour of contentment on the beach that day lifted my spirits for far longer than the moment itself.

    Here are some ways to coax happiness to the surface. If you like, jot down some things you might like to try yourself.

    • What do you really, really care about? List a few things that matter deeply to you. Could be a relationship, a cause, your work, a creative project, writing, a pet, a friendship…anything at all that feels indispensable in your life. It could be a big thing such as your relationship with your partner, or a smaller thing such as feeling your home is a cozy, restful place that you enjoy decorating. If it matters to you, it matters. Now, think about how often you pay deep attention to that thing or person. Given how much it/they matter to you, can you take time every day to be in it, notice it, and enjoy how wonderful it feels to care so much about it/them? That is an invitation for happiness to show up.

    • Do something that nourishes you. (One time I started baking something when I was depressed. It took about an hour to get going and just do it already (because I was depressed)…and then, because working with my hands relaxes me, I was caught by surprise. I began to feel…peaceful. I enjoyed myself. That was happiness, all right.

    • Take a day off. This will sound like I’m contradicting myself, but sometimes we just need to let go, stop thinking of our “to do” list, and give ourselves a break. (On one of my days off I bundled up on the sofa after breakfast and read a mystery novel cover to cover. For eight hours. It was bliss. And it felt great to give myself what I needed.) This can work best if you plan the day off ahead of time, so you don’t have to make a bunch of calls to clear your calendar: sidestep the trap of feeling badly about rescheduling things.

    • Be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Rest is just as “productive” as making dinner for your family (or anything else). Depression and anxiety can be so, so draining. We need to balance pushing through while honoring our need to step away for a bit. To breathe. To pause. Life is not an endurance test!

    • What do you find beautiful? The perfect lilac in your garden? A song? A thunderstorm? A beautifully arranged tower of books? A film you watch often? Think of everyday things that you may walk past, or take for granted, without really seeing them. Look for them now. Make noticing beauty, as you define it, a part of your day. There are pieces of happiness all around us. (Although it has become ordinary because of its frequency, every single time I return home my dog is over-the-moon delighted to see me. All I have to do is notice how wonderful it makes me feel and I’m back in happiness again.)

    • Try to let go of the fantasy/expectation that feeling happy should be a permanent state. You’ll end up fighting so hard to “be happy” that you won’t feel it when it’s there. It may help all of us to think of happiness as a very welcome visitor who may not take up residence, but whose arrival is eagerly expected and anticipated.

    One last thought. The vulnerability that depression and anxiety have opened in me, sometimes makes me feel tender and overly sensitive. I’ve come to appreciate that my vulnerabilities, although partly born from heartache, have also, over time, made me more available to joy and love. I wish the same for you.

    Now that will make me happy : )

    Sarah Jones, LCSW - psychotherapist
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